Leeeetttt.....the river ruuuuunnnn!!! Somebody call the police cuz that song MURDERS!! Did you know that this tune made Carly Simon the first artist in history to win a Grammy, a Golden Globe, AND an Oscar for a song composed and written, as well as performed, entirely by a single artist!? Well you do now!! Love me some Carly Simon, man. Or...I guess I do. I don’t know...she still pops up in the news every couple of years for her now half century-long refusal to reveal the subject of “You’re so Vain.” You know she’s gonna wait until she’s on her deathbed and it isn’t gonna be Warren Beatty or James Taylor but...like...Johnny Rechezzi—some kid she grew up with in the Bronx back in the early 50’s. This tune was written for the 1988 Mike Nichols comedy Working Girl, a film that is mistaken for the 1986 indie flick Working Girls by no one ever. Quite often I decide to profile movies that are aggressively unwatchable at best. Not so with Working Girl. I LOVE Working Girl! Every time Working Girl comes on the cable TV my girlfriend turns to me and says “you love Working Girl.” And she’s 100% correct! I do love it. Now, that’s not to say the film doesn’t feel dated as shit after 33 years. It’s also problematic in the same ways that pretty much every film released during the Reagan administration is. But do you know what else this movie is? Funny, sassy, sexy, and romantic! At least that’s what Gene Shalit said on the back of the VHS box..and you know that dude was NEVER WRONG!
What happens is this: We open with a sweeping panorama of Lower Manhattan while that Carly Simon tune threatens to blow out the speakers. We helicopter in real tight on the Statue of Liberty...the original working girl! I mean...was she though? I guess she’s been holding up that torch for a while. But yeah...I’m all for it! Female empowerment! Ladies taking charge and running the game aaaaand it looks like they gave Harrison Ford top billing even though he’s only in about 1/3rd of the movie. So much for all that. We drop into the Staten Island Ferry, where we meet up with Tess McGill (Melanie Griffith) and her pal Cynthia (Cusack sibling who is one letter away from having the same first name as her brother John, Joan Cusack). These ladies are both about five foot ten, 5 inches of which is hair. Holy friggin’ Aqua Net, Batgirl! These gals could forge a Poison cover band ON THE SPOT with those ‘do’s! We assume these girls are working girls because they’re riding the Staten Island Ferry to work and there’s ain’t nothing baller about the Staten Island. Shit, I only know 11 people from Staten Island and 10 of them are the Wu Tang Clan. Don’t they have Cropsey over there too?? I’ll probably stick to Manhattan and the other 3 boroughs, thank you very much. It’s also Tess’s birthday and they’re celebrating with a sad ass cupcake. Cynthia wants to take Tess out on the town but she tells Cynthia that she has to attend a class to learn how to speak like a posh person. “What’s wrong with the way you TAWWK!?? Cynthia asks in a New York accent so thick it’d make a Ramone wince. Let’s hit the pause button and talk about Melanie Griffith real quick. Sometimes I can’t tell if she’s playing some sort of three dimensional acting chess or if she’s simply the world’s worst actress. Her performance here starts off at a level that makes your run of the mill porn star look like Frances McDormand. But she kind of gathers nuance and gravitas as the movie progresses. I mean, she was incredible in Jonathan Demme’s Something Wild and she won a Golden Globe and nabbed an Oscar nomination for her work here. But then there’s the issue of the next, say, 75 movies she made after this one. She did Shining Through and she did Bonfire of the Vanities and she did sex with Don Johnson which resulted in Dakota Johnson. Lots of checkmarks in the nay column, y’all.
Anyway, Tess works as an administrative assistant on a trading floor repurposed from Wall Street (the movie). Her boss is veteran character actor and man who I once served a plate of seared Marlin with herbed yogurt and pea tendrils, Oliver Platt. He was super chill to wait on! He’s less chill with Tess, though. When she tries to fish him out of the executive washroom so he can take a super important phone call he chastises her because his stall has run out of TP. He’s all “my ass isn’t gonna wipe itself, TESS!!!” Back out on the trading floor, Platt and his Neanderthal buddies start discussing which stock they should try to short next. Maybe stay away from GameStop, dudes! (Note: if you are reading this review in March of 2021 then this reference is timely and funny. If not? Well...I guess you had to be there). Tess chimes in with some hot stock tips of her own but the dudes just roll their eyes because they’re sexist D-bags. Platt says that all of the real traders have Harvard degrees and that her BA from Staten Island Night Academy isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on. But he does offer to hook her up with Bob from arbitrage, which is the name of a totally decent Richard Gere movie that most people have not seen. When Tess drags her tired bones back to SI, she discovers a surprise birthday party waiting for her courtesy of her longtime hometown boyfriend Mick, who is totally Alec Baldwin!! Still the strapping young mulleted stud we love to remember. He invited the whole damn neighborhood—even sex addict who also plays one on television David Duchovny! He’s “Tess’s Birthday Party Friend” and he has zero lines. Gotta start somewhere, eh Fox Mulder? Mick buys Tess some impossible to apply lingerie for her birthday and just lays in bed reading a Monster Truck magazine while she struggles mightily trying to fasten her garters. He’s like “whaa, you don’t like it?” and she’s all “you could try buyin’ me a sweater sometime!”
Although Tess suspects that Bob from arbitrage might be a scumbag, she decides to meet him anyway and HOLY SHIT...Bob from arbitrage is fucking Kevin Spacey!! Oh NO, dudes! He picks Tess up in a limo and proceeds to slug champagne and blast endless rails of coke and get super handsy. In other words—he pulls a Kevin Spacey. She’s like “I thought we were gonna talk business” and he’s like “of course we are! But first let’s watch this porno!” This limo has a VCR?? Tight. Tess is not impressed. She shakes up the champagne and firehoses the dude's face with it. She then marches back to the office, where she puts a message on the stock quote board informing the entire company that Oliver Platt has a tiny little dick. I’m pretty sure that’s a double negative....as well as a fireable offense. He calls her a bitch. She packs up her shit and leaves and that’s that.
Tess goes to see her temp agency rep and SHE WAS ONLY A TEMP?? Man that sucks! I can totally commiserate as I had approximately 17 different temp gigs during the 9 months that I lived in NYC. Quick story: One day I was sent to work at Talk Magazine. I was already leery of the assignment because Talk was partially owned by Harvey Weinstein and I already knew to steer clear of anything to do with him (this is in 2001, folks). So I show up at Talk figuring I’m gonna be a copy editor by lunchtime. Actual assignment: they wanted me to spend the day calling people from a list they gave me and confirm that these people had received their invites to the upcoming premiere of the movie Chocolat. My Talk contact made me practice the proper way to pronounce the film (It’s Show-coo-lahhhh) and made me promise him that I wasn’t a “fuckin’ moron.” I mean...am I? But you see--the people on this list were all uber famous...and I had their actual home phone numbers! Like...I called Gloria Steinam and she was less than pleased to hear from me! Her: How did you get this number!??? Me: Ummm...you wanna see Chocolate or not, Gloria Steinam!?” ANYWAY, Tess’s temp connection is Dukakis family member who had a far better 1988 than her cousin Mikey, Olympia Dukakis. OD agrees to give Tess one last chance but makes her promise she won’t pull any crazy bullshit like impersonating her boss and moving into her townhouse while she’s skiing in the Alps. She doesn’t actually say this...but she should have! Tess is sent to the Mergers & Acquisitions department at a no name company where she’ll be working as secretary for a ferocious executive by the name of Katherine Parker. Ferocious ‘cuz Katherine Parker is played by Sigourney Weaver!! Ripley in the house, y’all. Better freshen your step there, Staten Island! Katherine is mad particular about her coffee (lotsa milk, lotsa sugar) and her brand of smokes (Larks. By the carton) but she’s otherwise fairly decent as bossy bosses go. She asks Tess to order up some passed apps for an upcoming cocktail party but Tess is like “I hear Dim Sum is the wave of the future--maybe we should get a dumpling cart instead!” Gumption! Katherine is wowed...although she makes Tess wheel that steamy ass cart around the party...which looks like it sucks. Chicken feet, anyone? Tess figures since she has been on the job about a day...maybe a day and a half...she should start haranguing Katherine about her latest big idea...which is this: There’s a company called Trask Industries that does exactly what I have no idea. Trask is looking to expand into Television but Tess thinks they should get into the radio business instead. Sitting on my perch here in 2021 I can safely say that that’s a terrible fucking idea. Beyond terrible! Maybe they can acquire a Laserdisc manufacturing plant while they’re at it! Katherine says she’ll suss it out and Tess is just over the moon. She rushes home to tell Mick how much headway she’s making at her new gig but he’s all “that’s great...but my pizza is getting cold...and you promised me a hummo before bed.” He’s an asshole.
Katherine decides that she’s gonna jet off to Europe to do some rich white people skiing ‘cuz mamma needs a vacay and this movie needs more plot. Immediately upon landing in Switzerland or wherever, Katherine tries to ski down a blue square trail and breaks her leg. She calls the office and tells Tess that she’ll be laid up in traction in her Paris apartment for six weeks. SIX WEEKS for a broken leg?? Is this 1988 or 1888? Why don’t they just get her tanked up on Moonshine and amputate the fuckin’ thing. Before the receiver even hits the cradle, Tess is all up in Katherine’s Park Ave townhouse, which looks like it cost low seven figures. She has an espresso machine and likenesses of herself painted by the actual Andy Warhol all over the walls and super duper early prototype Peloton Bike. Tess stumbles across Katherine’s super secret voice activated microcassette recorder and swoons while listening to Katerine attempting to fleece her Wellesley College sorority sisters out of donation money. But then she hears something she shouldn't be hearing! Katherine says that she wants to pursue the Trask deal (I forgot to mention that she had previously told Tess that the deal was a bad idea. That’s kind of important. SORRY!) and that Tess should be kept out of the loop. I mean--no disrespect to Tess...by why WOULD she be kept in the loop?? I know it was her idea and all but she’s just a temporary secretary! And you know what Paul McCartney song is batshit insane? Temporary Secretary! Sad Tess ferries herself home, hoping to find solace in the unwieldy curls of Alec Baldwin’s chest pelt. Unfortunately, she discovers that space to be occupied by Doreen DiMucci...the local putan! Madonna mi can this day get any worse!? Mick is all “umm...it’s not what it looks like?”...even though the P is clearly in the V. Well not CLEARLY but it is heavily implied. Tess flees the scene but Mick runs after her in a towel and offers to let her punch him in the face. She declines. You prolly should’ve taken him up on that, girl--Alec Baldwin is typically the one doing the face punching!
The next morning Tess wakes up thirsty for corporate blood. She dismantles the top two tiers of her hairdo and trades her Reebok Hightops for a pair of Manolo Blahnik pumps and decides she is going to go ahead and broker that Trask Industries deal on her own. She hatches a plan to rendezvous with Katherine’s business associate (Jack Trainor) at a cocktail party she isn’t invited to...even though she has NO IDEA what this Trainor cat looks like. It’s 1988...you can’t just lurk on a motherfucker’s Facebook profile. Cynthia is horrified when Tess tells her about her scheme...but agrees to accompany Tess to Katherine’s apartment to rifle through her closet(s). When Cynthia points out that the dress Tess has chosen to borrow has a $6k price tag, Tess has a massive panic attack. Cynthia gives her a handful of valium that definitely won’t lead to her awkwardly passing out in the next scene. That’s a D-minus setup right there, Mr Screenwriter! Tess hits the cocktail party and nurses a glass of Evian until she notices Harrison Ford undressing her with his eyes. He sidles up to the bar and he’s just a total friggin’ letch. She asks him what his name is and he’s all “no names! Let’s just meet like humans!” Hate to break it to you, homie, but unless you’re Prince between the years of 1996 and 2004, all humans have names! She asks about Jack Trainor and he’s like “never heard of him--let’s do six shots of tequila.” Of course, Tess already has about four Valium’s in her from that nonsensical panic attack, so once the tequila hits she’s completely fugged. She tells Mr Misterioso she has a head for business and a bod for sin. Then her lights go out and she pulls an Irish goodbye. Creepy McCreeperton runs outside, where he finds Tess passed out in the back of a taxi. He takes her to his flat and carries her unresponsive body up the stairs like a sack of shit. He deposits her in a Lay-z-Boy and is all “I’m thinking it’s time for a nightcap...want some brandy?” but Tess is probably about to slip into a coma from the alcohol and benzo interaction. So look--this all sounds absolutely horrifying….because it is! But I’m thinking they get/got away with it because it’s fucking Harrison Ford. He’s Han Solo! He’s Indiana Jones! He’s President GetARRFMyPlane!! He’s a non-threatening all-american superhero..then, now, and forever. Can you imagine how this scene would have played if it was, I don’t know, Nick Nolte dragging this unconscious woman home?? Or Willem Dafoe? Or Gary Busey!?? So...kudos to the casting department then, I guess?
Tess wakes up in her skivvies in this strange man’s bed and is understandably mortified. She gathers her shit and gets right up out of there while whatsisname is still sleeping off his Cuervo-induced hangover. She rushes to her meeting with Jack Trainor and HOLY SHIT...it’s Harrison Ford!! And if you didn’t see that one coming then you have never seen a movie before. Tess pitches Trainer and his goons her Trask Industries radio plan and they’re all like “radio?? Sounds like a terrible idea.” Because it IS a terrible idea. Later that afternoon,Trainor unexpectedly shows up at Tess’s office, sending her into a panic. She has to pretend Katherine’s office is HER office and Cynthia is her secretary (she works there too? I totally missed that one). Umm...there’s like 200 people working at this company. Does NO ONE notice that the new temp is suddenly taking meetings in the boss’s office!? Come ahhnnn!! Tess is steaming mad at this dude. She’s like why didn’t you tell me who you were and why did I wake up naked in your bed?? Jack says that the earth moved and that the angels wept. Ha ha ha rape is hilarious! He eventually tells her that nothing actually happened and tells her he isn’t interested in hearing about HER sex life. But...you...dude...he’s the one who….GAH!!! Despite all the ickiness, they agree to work together to make this Trask deal happen. And what if it DOES happen?? Who will benefit?? She doesn’t even really work at this joint!
Dead tired Tess heads back to the island to attend Cynthia’s engagement party at some local VFW function hall. When she arrives, Cynthia warns her that Mick is at the party slugging scotch and that he’s wicked distraught. Serves him right, the no good two-timing son of a bitch! Tess tries to chat with him and WOW...she wasn’t kidding about the scotch! He just asked the bartender for the entire bottle of Cutty and is taking it down like a champ. I think I’d like to try that sometime. Just gimme the bottle! Is that what they mean when they say “bottle service?” I don’t usually frequent places where things like bottle service are a thing. He’s all “what’s with you and the new duds and the new ‘do?” She says she got a promotion, which is a damn dirty lie. The DJ starts to play Chris DeBurgh’s “Lady in Red” and it is scientifically impossible to avoid slow dancing to that tune after you’ve had alcohol. There’ve been studies. They appear to be drifting toward reconciliation like the Titanic toward that iceberg. Mick shushes the crowd and proposes a toast to the future Mr and Mrs Joan Cusack. Her guido fiance is like “oh! When is you twos gonna tie the knot, hah!??” So what does numb nuts Mick do? He drops to his knees and offers a ringless proposal right there in the VFW. Did I mention that he’s had like 30 shots and the other girl he’s fucking is AT THE BAR!! Tess knows these things and is thoroughly unimpressed. She tells him maybe. “That’s an answer??,” he spits. “You want a different answer? Ask a different girl.” OWNED!!!! Mel-Dog just kills it in these scenes, man! Mick proposes yet again outside of the bar...and again, she tells him maybe. “Maybe means dick...FUCK MAYBE!!!” Mick thunders. I’m not sure if there’s a youtube supercut of Alec Baldwin losing his shit...but if there is, that line belongs on there. Maybe means dick!? That’s solid gold. Tess says that she isn’t steak and, hence, cannot be ordered. Mick tells her she needs to change her attitude or they’re history. Clown.
Now Tess is a Tess unbound....free to continue fibbing her way up the ladder of success. Cynthia, for one, is completely horrified by her BFF’s shenanigans. “Tess...ya gonna get cawwwt!!” she warns. She also advocates for Mick. Tells Tess she’s stomping his heart out, which is a medical impossibility. Tess is unmoved. “Oh! I’m not the one who was pumpkin Doreen DiMucci in OUR BED!” Note: pumpin’. Jack contacts Tess and tells her he thinks he can sweeten the Trask deal if he includes Hot 97 or something. Says he isn’t sure how to relay this information to Mr Trask but Tess comes up with the worst idea in the history of ideas. She decides the best way to get at Trask is to crash his daughter’s wedding and corner the old man when he’s 6 Pina Colada’s deep. Jack is all “how’d you finagle an invite to this wedding” and Tess says that she did not. Jack is beside himself. “Who does business like this!?” he shouts. The cutthroat temp from Staten Island....that’s who! Jack is like fine I’ll just sit in the corner and slam Mai Tai’s while you self-immolate (it’s a tiki-themed wedding....in case that wasn’t already obvious from the cocktail menu). But Tess is actually a smooth operator....a smoooooth operat-ahhh! She intercepts Trask but doesn’t lay it on too thick. Only butters one side of the bagel, you dig? He has no idea that she’s a wedding crashing temp and seems amenable to hearing more about her Trask Radio plan. Jack is floored. Homegirl is a stone cold hustler! The next day, they try to break bread with Trask‘s gatekeepers and get completely frozen out. Just as they’re about to retreat in defeat Mr Trask calls down from on high and says he wants to do business with Jack and Tess. Huzzah! These kids are so jazzed when they exit the meeting they start making the fuck out right there in the goddamn lobby! Super unprofesh, dudes. They go back to Jack’s place and tear each other’s clothes off and do the thing and....I don’t know, y’all. It’s like—here’s this blue collar woman who is going full court press....using her business savvy to play on the big stage BUT also having an affair with this powerful male exec with all the right connections too. Couldn’t they have just given Harrison Ford the movie off? Maybe beefed up Joan Cusack’s character a bit....or thrown in Jackee as a wacky sidekick (actually any person of color would be a huge improvement as there are approximately zero). After they’re done balling Jack is like soooooo I kinda sorta have a girlfriend...prolly shoulda told ya before the what have you. I was gonna break it off but my GF was injured in a European skiing accident. Tess hears this and gets a horrible look on her face...like she just watched Fifty Shades or Grey on HBO or something. So Jack’s girlfriend is Katherine!?? THE Katherine!? Tess’s boss?? How Jack did not notice that Tess was working out of the same office as his other girlfriend we do not know. Maybe he’s just the most unobservant motherfucker alive.
Our girl Tess has gotten herself into quite the pickle! How is she gonna wiggle her way outta this one!? I guess we’ll just have to watch the last 20 minutes of the movie to find out! The day Tess and Jack are set to give a presentation for the bigwigs over at Trask just happens to be the same day Katherine is due to return from overseas! Katherine is, of course, unaware that Tess has been putting together million dollar mergers in her absence and immediately assigns Tess more secretarial-type tasks, like merging cream with coffee. She sends Tess out to the pharmacy for some percs and vics but when she returns she’s horrified to discover that JACK is in the apartment!! Tess hides in the closet, where she’s forced to listen to a lingerie-d Katherine beg Jack for his seed. This lady came home from Paris ready to procreate!! Must’ve been something in the baguette. Jack’s all “conceiving a child sounds like a blast but not right now GOTTA RUN!” He exits stage left and Tess emerges from the closet with a shopping bag full of painkillers and is all “here’s your drugs...maybe crush them up and snort them with a glass of wine GOTTA RUN!!” Katherine is instantly suspicious. Luckily...or actually...unluckily...Katherine doesn’t exactly have to start playing Columbo as Tess left her friggin’ planner right there on Katerine’s bed next to the bag of pills. And this planner? It’s incriminating as shit!! She knows where Tess is going and who she’s going with. “That little SLUT!,” Katherine screams, before jumping out of bed and hopping all the way to Trask Industries on her one good leg.
Meanwhile across town, Jack is settling into the Trask boardroom with Tess, blissfully unaware of the shitstorm that’s bearing down on him. Before the meeting gets underway he squeezes Tess’s hand and tells her that he LOVES HER!!! She smiles and says she loves him too and DUUUUDE!!! Why isn’t this girl sweating like a priest in church?? She’s gonna be exposed by the closing bell one way or another! Poor Olympia Dukakis is gonna be so fuckin’ disappointed. Sure enough--about three seconds later, Katherine blows the door down and screams IIII AM THE GATEKEEPER!!!! And everyone is like HUH!?? Seriously though--Katherine tells everyone that Tess is actually her secretary and that she came up with the idea for the Trask Radio thingy, not Tess. I don’t know, y’all--I find the fact that this lady would completely nuke a business meeting when there’s some serious dough on the table a bit far fetched. Maybe wait for Tess to exit the building and take out both of her kneecaps with her crutch. That I could totally see! Mr Trask is like “frig is going on with you loony toons??” but Tess is like “nah, she’s right--I’m just a lowly secretary. I’ll see myself out.” And that’s exactly what she does. She rides the ferry home looking 50 shades of despondent. I was seriously worried she might pull a Spaulding Gray! Things don’t exactly improve once she’s back on the island. She has to attend Cynthia’s wedding, where she runs into Mick, who says he has launched a successful boating business. Like...over the last 24 hours?? He’s also officially official with Doreen DiMucci, who caught the friggin’ bouquet because of course she did. She better work on her fake Spanish accent if she wants to marry Alec Baldwin, man.
When Monday morning rolls around, Tess returns to the office to clean her desk and THEY LET HER BACK IN THE BUILDING!?? She’s probably staring down a handful of lawsuits at this point. I’m thinking they’d just put her stapler and kitten calendar in the mail...IF THAT. The ladies in the secretary pool line up to say their goodbyes and to give Tess a hearty round of applause, even though she has not exchanged a single word with anyone else in this office at any point in the film. When Tess reaches the lobby, she exits the elevator and runs smack into Katherine, Jack, and Mr Trask! What are the chances! Katherine throws down some not undeserved shade and Tess throws it right back. Katherine offers to bury the hatchet and Tess says “you know where you can bury your hatchet? Now get your bony ass out of my sight!” Ummm….I don’t know Tess somehow missed out on Alien and Aliens, but I wouldn’t necessarily mess with this woman. Jack tries to defend Tess, prompting Mr Trask to ask him if he always lets women lead him around by his “Johnson”...which is sexist as all get out. Remember back in the 90’s when they used to sell those horrible Big Johnson T-shirts? I’m ashamed to admit that I owned one when I was 14. I was like--my teachers will never know my shirt is about a COCK!!! Stupid little asshole. Anyway, Tess manages to finagle a private audience with Mr Trask and she informs him that Katherine couldn’t have possibly come up with the radio proposal ‘cuz Tess got the idea from something she read in the back of a Hit Parader Magazine or some bullshit. When Trask asks Katherine what she has to say about this she tells him that she has nothing to say. She looks to Jack for a bailout but he says he’s staying on Team Tess. Trask fires Katherine ...even though I’m 100% certain that she does not work for him. He offers Tess a job but doesn’t immediately specify what that job will be. When Tess shows up for her first day at her new gig she sets herself up at the secretary station and asks the lady in the nearest office how she takes her coffee. The lady is all “Sorry!! I was just in there using the phone! I am YOUR secretary!! So tell me--how do YOU like YOUR coffee!??” Tess orders a coffee with skim milk and two Equals. When the coffee arrives, she takes a sip and calmly places the mug on her desk. Then she picks up the mug and throws the hot coffee in the secretary’s face, causing first and second and degree burns. “You don’t think I can’t tell the difference between Equal and Sweet & Low you stupid trash ass HO!??” Then she boxes her ears!!! Ahhh...I’m just fuckin’ with you! Tess tells her new secretary that she considers her a colleague, not a secretary, and says she's gonna be a mad chill boss ‘cuz she knows what it’s like, you know? Tess closes the door and calls Cynthia and tells her that all of her dreams have now come true. She’s a rich white executive. A WORKING GIRL!! And here comes the hit one more time to play us out! “Leeettt….the river RUUNNNNN!....da da da SOMETHING….” The end.