August 2, 2019

So a while back we talked about the original Weekend at Bernie’s and about how tight I was with that flick. I think at one point I declared it the #1 film of 1989 which is a completely ridiculous thing to say because Batman. The sequel came out in 1993 and I had a chance to see it as part of So I Married an Axe Murderer/WAB 2 double feature and I just...I don’t know...I had zero interest in watching it. I was so jazzed up by Axe Murderer I just spilled out into the streets of Worcester doing my worst Scottish accent (Lookit the size of that boy’s HEED!) and never thought about Weekend at Bernie’s 2 again. Maybe the whole “dudes carrying around a dead body for laughs” thing no longer appealed to me by ’93? I mean...I also thought White Lion was the best band in the world in 1989. Things change. I decided to finally sit down and watch WAB 2 and holy christ on a cracker is it terrible. Like...makes the original look like Dr Strangelove by comparison terrible. What happens is this: the flick opens with a super long cartoon credit sequence. Now..I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: a long opening credit sequence for a movie that is only 85 minutes long pretty much guarantees that movie will not be good. It also includes animated renderings of scenes that don’t actually ever occur in either film. That’s some stupid shit right there. But I did get briefly excited when I saw that the music was done by Peter Wolf....only to remember that there’s another super prolific composer/producer named Peter Wolf who is not the dude from J Geils Band. But hey...if you see the Woofa Goofa around town you should totally go up to him and compliment him on his score for Weekend at Bernie’s 2...and then watch him pretend he didn’t hear what you said and walk away. That’s totally his signature move. Oh and look! The production designer’s name is Michael Bolton! Why should I change my name...HE’S the one who sucks! (Note: this is the first and last time I will laugh during this film). Anyway...this movie opens on the same day the last one ends (I think). Bernie is still dead as balls and those two loser schmos Jonny Silverman and Andy McCarthy have returned to NYC with his body. No word on what happened to McCarthy’s new girlfriend who was played by Actress Who Looks Like Elisabeth Shue but is Not Elisabeth Shue. She is never mentioned again. These two dickheads return to work expecting a promotion for uncovering Bernie’s corruption...or some such bullshit. Instead they are fired by the new president of the company...who is totally Brad Majors from Rocky Horror Picture Show! There’s some hubbub about how Bernie secreted away 2 million dollars and everyone is freaking the freak out. I mean...I’m not saying 2 large ain’t a lot of scratch...but that seems like a relatively meager sum to set the events of a zany comedy into motion. I kept picturing Dr Evil from Austin Powers (for those of you keeping score at home...that’s the second reference to a Mike Myers film). Meanwhile on the island of St Thomas two Morris Day and the Time cosplayers accidentally wander into a voodoo ceremony and are tasked with flying to NYC to bring Bernie back from the dead. Like...what is even happening here?? Who the frig are these guys?? No backstory whatsoever. They go to NYC where Bernie is somehow STILL in the morgue and start to perform their voodoo...because voodoo is nothing more than fodder for shitty, z-grade comedies, right? At this point I fall asleep for about 10 minutes and when I wake up I see that the last thing I wrote down was “porno chicken theater”. Oh right! So they need to sacrifice a chicken to bring Bernie back to life but the chicken escapes into a porno theater so they use a pigeon instead and Bernie comes back to life but he’s all wonky and shit. Like...he can’t talk or nothin’ but if you put on Color Me Badd he’ll get up and dance. It is truly the dumbest shit ever. Apparently only Bernie can lead people to the 2 million clams so they need to fly him to St. Thomas and play a bunch of Tony Toni Tone and let him do his thing. But the voodoo brothers lose him on the subway...allowing our pals McCarthy and Silverman to scoop up his putrified corpse, stuff it in a suitcase, and head down to the islands. Pre 9/11...totally cool to fly with a dead body in your carry on. Here I’d like to point out that although this movie is supposed to take place in the same week as the original McCarthy and Silverman no longer rip tons of butts like they do in the first film. Did they choke down a shit ton of Chantix when no one was looking?? So these two numb nuts get to St Thomas and immediately go out and try to get laid. McCarthy has a date with a local who does not like him AT ALL prolly ‘cuz he’s a creepy motherfucker who dresses entirely in linen suits from Tello’s. This local lady is played by an actress by the name of Troy Beyer...who eventually became a psychologist and wrote a book called “How to be a Responsibly Powerful Bitch”...probably a direct result of having acted in Weekend at Bernie’s 2. And then...I don’t know, y’all--my mind started to wander something fierce! I started thinking about the Manson Murders. Now that’s some scary shit! And then I started to think about John Cassavettes and decided to look up how/when he died. Cirrhosis at age 59!? (dumps out glass of rose...fills it with sparkling water). Anyway...there’s a bunch of laugh-free chase scenes where the voodoo dudes, Mr Dammit Janet, and McCarthy/Silverman all try to steal Bernie so he can lead them to the two million smackers. They access Bernie’s safety deposit box where they are disappointed to find just a treasure map...and I am disappointed to find the movie still has another 20 minutes to go. There’s another joke about Bernie having sex with someone at the resort because there’s nothing funnier than casual necrophilia (barf). Bernie somehow goes parasailing...where he is fully consumed by a the shittiest computer generated shark in movie history (yay!) yet he lands back on the beach fully intact (boo!). Jonathan Silverman almost dies for reasons I cannot recall even though the movie just ended 20 minutes ago. He has to drink the blood of a virgin so he can live. Andrew McCarthy confesses to being a virgin and offers his blood...even though he CLEARLY had intercourse with Not Elisabeth Shue in the first film. Eventually Bernie leads the entire gang to a treasure chest under the sea...but is shot through the head with a harpoon in the process...which means absolutely nothing. He is still dead when there is no Keith Sweat playing. There’s another interminable chase scene and I guess the voodoo guys get turned into goats somehow and Ohhh Brad gets arrested so McCarthy/Silverman get to keep the 2 million bucks and big friggin’ deal. What are they gonna do? Use it to buy a two bedroom, 8th floor walk-up on the fuckin’ Upper East Side? They take off on a yacht while a still dead Bernie is shown leading a conga line through the streets because people in the virgin islands do nothing but dance in conga lines all day, right? NOT! (there’s three). The end.