*originally posted august 3, 2018
Alright folks...time for VHS of the week:
Now here’s a flick starring a bona fide legend....my man Griffin Dunne! Did you know that his sister was in Poltergeist and was murdered by her totally real, non-ghost boyfriend? Did you know that he lost his virginity to Carrie Fisher...and she to him? Did you know that his aunt is Joan Didion!? Oh yeah...Madonna is in it too. I guess she’s a bit more legendary...but most folks’ metric...but not necessarily mine. So this movie came out in 1987 and Madonna was still top of the tops for pretty much everyone except Mr Blue from Reservoir Dogs...who tuned out when she got into her “Papa Don’t Preach” phase. When people would slag on old Madge for her crap acting I would always defend her...pointing out that Who’s That Girl is a solid film. The reason for this, I’m realizing after watching it today, is that I probably hadn’t seen it since 1987. It’s REAL friggin’ bad, kids. Holy smokes! What even happens in this movie? I’m not even really sure. The flick opens with an impossible-to-follow animated sequence that explains how Madonna’s character ends up in the slammer. I thought it might just be the gauze from my old VHS so I adjusted to tracking and shit but...no...the animation was possibly rendered on a dirty cocktail napkin. Here’s a true fact: the working title of this movie was Slammer....which is a way better name. Like...hey dude...wanna go see SLAMMER!? Anyway...Madonna has been in prison in 4 years for killing a guy and stuffing him in the trunk of her car (I think). Meanwhile up in the rich white people part of 1980’s NYC my man Griffin Dunne is getting ready to marry the daughter of some fuck-you wealthy business tycoon. The day before the wedding Papa (Don’t Preach) in-law sends Griffin Dunne on two errands: homeboy has to take the family Rolls Royce and pick some rare-breed tiger from the loading dock...and them he’s gotta pick up Madonna from prison and make sure she gets on a bus to Philadelphia. How any of this makes any sense at all is not explained for an agonizingly long time. So here comes Madonna...acting up a storm. I’m pleased to report that she’s not doing her whole fake British accent kabbalah thing yet. She IS, however, doing a terrible impersonation of Marisa Tomei’s character from My Cousin Vinny...which is a mad cool trick since that movie wouldn’t be out until 1992. Her character is a complete menace! She’s out of jail for all of 10 minutes when she punches a police officer in the face. She steals a bunch of tapes from the Sam Goody (awww)...and then steals dude’s Rolls and tries drag race a freight train. It’s all unbelievably stupid. Madonna wants to clear her name and expose the bad guys who put her in the slammer. They go to Harlem where she buys a gun and the black folks vandalize the Rolls (80’s movie=endless bad racial stereotypes). There’s a bunch of stupid ass chases scene where Madonna and Griffin Dunne always end up on the winning end cuz they have that tiger with them...who just eats whomever is chasing after them. There’s also a running joke where different random cab drivers keep telling Griffin Dunne that they are fucking his fiancee...and that’s where I said to myself “this movie has a dark heart, man.” Then there’s a bit where all of the bridesmaids are kidnapped by some killer pimps or something...but are then rescued by hunky policemen and a muscle bound UPS driver who is dumb as balls. The ladies swoon. Feminism dies a million deaths. Anyway...Madge and G-Dun return the tiger to some upper west side eccentric who has a rooftop sanctuary full of endangered species. The tiger meets a lady tiger and they ball. Madge and G-Dun are feeling the sexy tiger vibes so they ball too. The next morning he’s all “thanks for the yuks but I’m still gonna marry the rich girl”. She boards a bus to Philly...crushed...but then she realizes...in the biggest no shit reveal of all time...that the soon to be father in law in the bad guy! She crashes the wedding...chaos ensues...Griffin Dunne and the not gonna be a father-in-law after all have a fencing match...which G-Dun wins by kicking old pops in the balls. I don’t know much about fencing but I’m pretty sure that’s an illegal move. Madonna and Griffin Dunne ride off into the sunset together...and people’s careers don’t seem to take too much of a hit from this flick. The director James Foley goes on to make Glengarry Glen Ross...which is awesome...and also the 50 Shades of Grey movies...which is less awesome. Anyway, I wonder what Joan Didion thought of this movie…