May 17, 2019

So here’s the deal: 1987 saw the release of a comedy called Three Men and a Baby. It was directed by Boston native Lenny Nimoy and starred then red-hot lothario actors Tom Selleck and Ted Danson and then also Steve Guttenberg as three wealthy white men who are way too old and wealthy to still be living with roommates. Someone drops a baby on their doorstep and they’re all “whatarewegonnaDOOOO??” I think maybe they can’t turn the kid into CPS ‘cuz Danson is the rightful father (he’s off filming Cheers during most of this movie) so they have to try to raise the frickin’ little thing and hijinks ensue. There’s also a subplot about a million dollars worth of drugs that’s accidentally delivered to the apartment..which of course leads to a bunch of police chases and whatever whatever. Eventually the baby’s rightful mother returns from London in the form of So I Married an Axe Murderer star Nancy Travis. She wants to take the kid back to the UK but the dudes are mad bummed and persuade her to move in with them and live with this patriarchal triumvirate of sorts. So that’s all well and good. But in the following years something untoward happens to Three Men and a Baby. A rumor starts to circulate that there is a GHOST in the goddamn movie. An actual GHOST! Urban Legend has it that a small black boy was murdered in the apartment where most of Three Men was filmed. It is his ghost that is visible peering into the window during the scene where Ted Danson’s mother arrives to meet the baby for the first time. Like...there were actual magazine articles dedicated to this very subject. The Three Men and a Baby ghost became to chupacabra of mid-tier Disney family comedies. Of course, if we’d had the internet back then a few simple clicks would’ve revealed that the “ghost” in the window was actually just a cardboard cutout of Danson that someone accidentally left in the shot. But there was no way to find that shit out...and as a result I became more frightened of Three Men and a Baby than I was of, say, Halloween 4. Strange things kept happening to the people involved with the film too; Steve Guttenberg quit the Police Academy films, sending his career into a downward spiral. Leonard Nimoy passed away. Granted it was 30 years later and he was 83 and had COPD ...but whatever. Still, even with all of this bad juju hanging over the film they bravely forged ahead with a sequel three years later. It is called Three Men and a Little Lady...and it is shit terrible. What happens is this: the movie opens with a ‘bringing us up to speed” montage. Now you know I have mixed feelings about montages. This particular montage in uniquely terrible in that it is presented in FAST FORWARD! Everything you see happening is occurring at double speed. I actually started messing with the tracking and popped the tape out ‘cuz I thought something was wrong with my VCR (don’t worry...I have a stack of back up VCR’s in my basement). Nope, this rubbish was intentional! Duddn’t bode well, does it? So basically in the years since the first film everyone has gotten richer and whiter (in fact...there is only one person of color between the two films...and that’s the ghost of the murdered black boy). The family has moved from their baller Park Ave penthouse into an even more ginormous penthouse. The kid, Mary, looks like she’s having a rough go of things...what with all of those trips to the theater, Mets games taken in from field side seats, and 4 hour tasting menu lunches at Union Square Cafe. Danson and Selleck are now in their mid 40’s and are still bachelors but have taken a vow of celibacy because HUH??? I’m still not sure why Steve Guttenberg is in either of these movies but, well, there he is. Nancy Travis is also a famous Broadway actress now...so that’s cool...but her foppy British Foppy McFopperton boyfriend wants to squire her away to jolly old England so they can marry...which is less cool. Here I should mention that Rachael Mura, one of my dearest college friends, is Nancy Travis’ first cousin...which makes us...absolutely nothing! But she did send my buddy Brett a signed headshot once...which was rad. Nancy Travis’ crusty old English mum comes to town to lobby for the pro moving Mary to London movement. She also offers to sing Mary a bedtime lullaby...but Mary says she would prefer a rap song. So the three male leads don Kangol hats and giant Flava Flav clocks and perform some abjectly horrible Z-grade Beastie Boys rap lullaby. I immediately bury my face in the nearest pillow and scream as loud as I can. The old lady watches this rap number and says “Oof, I need a drink.” You and me both, sister! Eventually the dudes start to come around to the idea of Mary heading across the pond. They stay up late drinking and playing cards and discussing how they have no idea how to raise a young lady (even though we are in PART TWO!). “I mean...what are we gonna do when she hits puberty” Danson says. Maybe pump the brakes there Sammy Malone--the girl is fuckin’ FIVE years old! Before they leave, though, a spark or two flies between Travis and a non nut hugger shorts-wearing Selleck...but only because she already has a kid with Danson and the other man in the film is Steve Guttenberg. So, mustache rides all around then! No, so Travis takes to kid and fucks off the England...where they move into the orgy mansion from Eyes Wide Shut. I mean...come onnnn! Seriously?? Why’s everyone gotta be so rich and have ponies shit? Back in NYC the fellas try to celebrate the end of their sex embargo by throwing a rager at their pad...but they spend the entire night together out on the patio talking about how much they miss their kid. I mean...did it occur to them to at least try to find out if anyone at this party has any Molly?? Nope...they are one and done with bachelorhood. They immediately fly to the UK to try to stop the wedding or some bullshit (At least Selleck and the Gutte so at first. Danson disappears for a good 30 minute stretch...probably to do more Cheers). You might be thinking “this is a pretty thin premise for an entire movie” and the reason for this is that this is a pretty thin premise for an entire movie. It’s like they got the entire cast of the original back together and just sort of made it up as they went along. No one is particularly likable...not even the friggin’ kid. In order to pad out another interminable 40 minutes worth of movie once they arrive in the UK they decide to introduce some bullshit storyline about how Foppy McFopperson is secretly planning to send Mary to boarding school once he marries her mom. Selleck and Stevie G figure if they can find proof of this prick’s plans then Nancy Travis will be bullshit and will leave her sick Barry Lyndon mega mansion and move back to NYC. So there’s your suspense. It’s kind of like Hitchcock’s Rear Window except not at all. Here I’d like to point out that this movie was directed by Emile Ardolino...who was forced to helm this chaff even though he directed Dirty Dancing. Poor guy died in the early 90’s...which means that all Three Men and a...directors are deceased. Interesting. Anyway, Selleck breaks into said boarding school and finds Mary’s file. There’s also this side bit about how the boarding school headmaster wants to have intercourse with Selleck but he turns her down hard yet she agrees to help him bust up Nancy Travis’s wedding. See, stupid shit right here. They try to delay the wedding and Ted Danson wanders back from the set of Cheers and agrees to help delay the wedding. Dude disguises himself as a priest and no one recognizes him at all because of course they don’t. Selleck show up with the paperwork just in the nick of time and Foppy is all “I was gonna tell you about the boarding school eventually” and Mary is all “I want my daddies” and Foppy is all “shut up you little shit!” Selleck don’t like this so he punches the man in the face. He then tells Nancy Travis that he loves her and that he even loves eating her terrible liver mousse and that he would like to marry her immediately. By some friggin’ stroke of luck she loves him too and they are married on the spot. Nancy Travis throws her bouquet in the air and Ted Danson catches it and he has this pained, puzzled look on his face like “what the whaaaa” but then FREEZE FRAME on Danson. Roll credits. This shit is OVER! Like did someone actually plan to end the movie this way or were the editors like “you know...I think that’s quite enough. Let’s just freeze frame this shit and go grab some Del Taco.” Apparently they were supposed to make a 3rd film (trillllogy!) but it’s 29 years later and that shit is still nowhere in sight. But you know...the three leads are all still alive, right? Who wouldn’t want to see what life looks like for these dudes when they are still roomies in their 70’s!? Old as balls Ted Danson and old as balls Tom Selleck and 36 year-old Steve Guttenberg find Mary’s baby daughter abandoned on their doorstep and struggle to care for her...because they are OLD AS BALLS! And the ghost from the first flick shows up and starts fucking with the lights and shit. I would go see that on opening night, I would…