When I sat down to write this review I followed my typical routine; open the computer, stare at the blank screen for 30 minutes, then close the computer and spend hours dicking around on the Internet. While I was scrolling through the bad news I noticed that the 1982 film Fast Times at Ridgemont High was trending. I was pleasantly surprised because Fast Times is a 38 year-old movie and it’s increasingly rare these days to see something trending that isn’t YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!!! I was excited to learn that Sean Penn would be hosting an “anything goes” table reading of Cameron Crowe’s Fast Times screenplay to raise money to help stop the spread of Covid-19 among our incarnated populations. That Sean Penn—he’ll come over and help you change your fuckin’ oil if you need him to! My excitement lasted a good six seconds...or as long as it took me to glance at the cast list and see the names Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston and realize the only reason people are talking about this reading is that those two ding dongs used to be married until Pitt took off with Angie Jolie and fathered 10 children in 5 years. But wait! It gets worse! Not only will Sean Penn NOT be reprising the role of Jeff Spicoli, the rest of the perfectly acceptable and mostly still alive original cast members have been replaced by A-list actors like Julia Roberts and Morgan Freeman and Shia LaBeouf’s crazy ass. Unless there’s an emergency Gremlins Zoom reunion occurring simultaneously I just don’t see how you can hold a Fast Times at Ridgemont High ANYTHING without Phoebe Cates and Judge Reinhold. What, is Morgan Freeman gonna jump out of a pool while Shia LaBeouf J’s off?? You know he’d do it, too—even at a table read. The ‘Beouf is friggin’ starkers!
Anyway, we’re actually here today to talk about the 1984 film The Wild Life, a sort of spiritual sequel to Fast Times. Remember back in 2016 when Richard Linklater made a spiritual sequel to Dazed and Confused called Everybody Wants Some that was adored by critics yet reviled by everyone who actually watched it? The Wild Life met with a similar fate as Everybody Wants Some except that critics didn’t like it and it cannot be watched, streamed, or purchased under any circumstances (I mean...you can buy a used VHS copy on eBay for $50...but who would actually do something like that?? Besides me, I mean). The film isn’t unwatchable because it’s unwatchable (and it is) but because of music clearance issues. See kids—The Wild Life was scored by one Edward Van Halen, and Eddie ain’t letting his tunes go out for cheap. So what if the dude has a net worth of $100 million? The Van Halen’s have a reputation for never doing anything decent for anyone to uphold. Man’s gotta eat!
Like Fast Times, The Wild Life was written by Cameron Crowe, a guy who is increasingly starting to look like the Weezer of film directors: two classics and loads of chaff! And look...I don’t want to drag the guy too hard. He’s got Say Anything and Almost Famous on his CV. Those are forever movies. He was hanging out with Jimmy Page and Gregg Allman when he was 12 years-old and he was married to the non-singing Heart sister for way longer than most famous people stay married. But when was the last time you found yourself reaching for Elizabethtown. Or friggin’ Aloha?? Sure, Singles has one of the most essential soundtracks of all time...but the movie is completely inessential. Crowe’s latest project, a hagiography on the C in CSNY David Crosby, was so embarrassingly fawning that I kept expecting to see Crowe leap into Croz’s lap and start braiding his mustache.
All that said, I was still super stoked to watch The Wild Life...right up until the moment I actually started watching it. This is the point in the review where I usually say “what happens is this” and then proceed to lay out the plot points and crack wise. That is simply not possible in this case as this film is entirely plotless. Don’t believe me? Even the movie’s Wikipedia plot summary is like 30 words long. And look...a plot isn’t necessarily necessary if you’ve got other things going on. This film does NOT have other things going on. They simply threw together a group of profoundly unappetizing characters and filmed them acting like assholes for 90 minutes while Eddie Van Halen did pick slides in the background and called it a movie. It purports to observe a group of young adults as they navigate life after high school. How do they navigate said life? Shittily. Humorlessly.
I mean...generally what happens is: the film opens with an agonizingly long sequence (think There Will Be Blood but set to Born to Be Wild) of the kid who played Wyatt in Weird Science and then quit acting to become a college professor and professional D&D gamer breaking into a high school after dark. This is Jim. He’s a foul-tempered 15 years-old chain smoking alcoholic who is obsessed with the Vietnam War. He’s got a giant fucking attitude problem for reasons that are not, and will never be, explained. Jim blows the head off of the school mascot with homemade explosives. Ho hum. Cue meaty Van Halen riffage. Now...I love me some VH (all eras!) but take away the slick vocals and Michael Anthony’s honeyed harmonies and their music kind of sounds like 8 frat boys in a 4-seat mustang. And with all of the subtly one would expect from a band who would go on to make an album called F.U.C.K. Perfectly suited for a movie of this stripe, in other words!
Next up we meet the movie’s “hero” Tom, played by Chris Penn, the Penn brother who is less famous than Sean but more famous than Michael and who is now mostly famous for being deceased. Tom is 18 and fit with a glorious head of wavy blonde hair. He’s also quite possibly the least redeeming character I have ever seen in a film. When we are first introduced to him he’s drunk driving his bomb ass convertible all over LA. He shows up late to his job at a bowling alley and smokes a joint in the bathroom before going on shift. He works with his best bud Bill (Eric Stoltz) who is so shockingly zero dimensional that I’m almost at a loss for words. Bill isn’t so much underwritten as he is unwritten. And you know....I’ve never had a problem with Eric Stoltz....but now that I’m watching this movie I’m thinking that maybe I DO have a problem with Eric Stoltz! His ex-girlfriend Anita is played by the unfailingly lovely Lea Thompson...and her association with this flick led to her being cast in Back to the Future. Right...’cuz Eric Stoltz was cast as Marty McFly! Grah hah hah how did that work out for ya, Stoltzy?? Lea Thompson works at a donut shop, where she receives a visit from a creepy mustachioed police officer who is 100% the guy who played Elliott in Die Hard. Can I get a Hans....BUBBY?? He says he needs to check her back entrance...which means exactly what you think it means because this movie sucks like that. Apparently these two...they got a thing going on. Lea Thompson says she wants to go on a normal date but the copper says he just wants to make her squeal. He drags her in the back room and tears off her underwear and HOLY SHIT! The melody playing in the background is from the Van Halen song “Right Now”....which wouldn’t come out until 1991! That’s some crazy shit right there. Apparently there’s another track in here somewhere that eventually ended up on the album that VH made with David Lee Roth in 2012 but I, like most people, like to pretend that album doesn’t exist.
Right, so the idea here is that Stoltz is 20 years-old and really feeling himself and doesn’t want to date Lea Thompson because she’s still in high school. He’s confusingly thrilled to be moving into this bland ass, cookie cutter apartment complex that’s run by the dude who played the Colonel in Boogie Nights. Penn keeps referring to it as the House of Love. I didn’t find it to be as such. It isn’t even nice! Sure, there’s a pool, but it’s friggin’ LA. Penn says that they will rage in this apartment. Stoltz says that they will not...because he is not interested in anything at all, really. Before Stoltz moves out of his family’s piece we learn that jerk ass Jim is his younger brother...and that he is really handy with a set of nunchucks. I’d probably be all aggro if I had a vanilla ginger wanker like Stoltz for an older brother too.
One third of the way through the movie we finally meet Eileen, played by actress I have never heard of Jenny Wright. Eileen works at a mall store called Dynasty, that could not be more 80’s if it were a Flock of Seagulls video filmed inside of a can of New Coke. Her boss is played by severely MIA Canadian comedy legend Rick Moranis. Eileen has spiky punk hair and posters of Wire (the band) on her bedroom wall, which is cool. She is also dating Chris Penn, which is less cool. Eileen and Lea Thompson are besties and they converse in a way that a 26 year-old male screenwriter imagines that female high school seniors converse. You can really feel Crowe still trying to find his wings as a screenwriter here (woka woka). These ladies are actually the only decent characters this film but only because everyone else is so
abjectly awful. Lea Thompson says that she liked Stoltz but that they only balled four times, whereas the rapey cop just grabs her and forces her to have oodles of orgasms. Dude, you had me at HELL NO!! Later, Eileen is at home checking out her bare breasts in the mirror like any good 80’s teen comedy character, and Penn comes crawling through the window like the goddamn Golden State Killer. She is not feeling this kid ...at ALL! Tells him that if he touches her she’ll scream. He grabs her ass. She screams. EVH’s guitar goes wahhhggg weeeennnnn.
Penn immediately starts to harangue Stoltz about moving into his dumpy apartment. He tells Stoltz that they are living the wild life. Like...really guy? I mean...I guess you are in a movie and I’m just a dude sitting here making fun of it 36 years later...so what do I know? Penn also decides that he will marry Eileen but neglects to mention any of this to Eileen. He mostly wants his too insignificant to mention buddies to throw him a stag party. They take him out to a strip club, where the bouncer is totally Harry from Harry and the Henderson’s (and also—The Predator...if yer nasty). He agrees to let them into the club if they abstain from touching the girls. Inside the strip club there is way more stripping than usual or necessary. The ladies dance to Little Richard tunes...which makes me think the Van Halen estate isn’t the only estate working to keep this movie on mothballs. When a particularly buxom stripper appears onstage someone shouts “titties as big as a house!” Chris Penn decides that he simply cannot take it anymore and jumps onstage and starts to motorboat the stripper (who loves it?? Jesus Christ, y’all). Penn and his chooch buddies are attacked by a group of horny businessmen. One of the strippers is punched in the face in the ensuing melee. Violence against women=comedy gold. Don’t worry, though—the predator jumps in and tears Chris Penn’s spine out. I mean...I wish!
The next afternoon, while sitting poolside, Penn tells Stoltz that they are having the best summer of their lives. Like...by what metric?? There must be some lost footage because the amount of amazing things that have happened in this movie is exactly zero. Stoltz continues to read Jude the Obscure and ignore Penn, much like he ignores the concept of acting in this movie. Penn decides that he will finally propose to Eileen since he’s already had his bachelor party and whatnot. How does he do this? He shows up at Dynasty and presents her with an EMPTY RING BOX! Eileen does not say yes. Penn causes a scene and Ricky Moranis has him escorted off the property. Such a good guy, that Rick Moranis. Oh wait...in the next scene he tells Eileen that he wants to sexually dominate her or something gross. Forgot what I just said about Rick Moranis being a good guy.
Back in Lea Thompson’s corner of the movie, she’s desperately trying to get that a-hole cop to date her on the real. She starts to wonder if maybe he’s married...which makes sense because he definitely is. She creeps over to his house to find that not only is the guy married, he’s married to Nancy Wilson!! As in the former Mrs Cameron Crowe, people! Here I’d like to point out that Lea Thompson’s “creeping over to the cop’s house” theme sounds a lot like the song “Turn Me Loose” by Loverboy, which means that either Eddie Van Halen ripped off Loverboy or Loverboy ripped off Eddie Van Halen. To be fair to Loverboy, their song came out a good four years before this movie did. Either way, a bad look for all parties involved! Anyway, Lea Thompson is done with the cop and wicked sad about it. Eileen tries to console her by reading her one of her own poems. Lea Thompson tells Eileen that her poem sucks.
Oh! I forgot to mention that Scary Jim cuts the brakes on the cop’s cruiser, causing him to crash into the donut shop’s neon donut sign...because Jim is just a fucking dangerous menace for no good reason. Later, he unsuccessfully attempts to buy explosives from Ben Stein (actual Ben Stein!!). He also takes his friend whose name I didn’t bother to learn to meet this Vietnam Vet played by Quaid brother who went crazy and torpedoed his career, Randy. This Vietnam guy is an alcoholic shut-in who lives in a dangerous part of town...but he’s also somehow Jim’s good friend. Jim...who is 15 year-old. Randy Quaid offers the children beer and then retreats to the restroom to vomit. And that’s his entire part in this movie! Ok then! You know...while we’re talking about Randy Quaid: I’m thinking that all of that bullshit he pulled back in 2009 would barely register in 2020. Like, he could probably even get invited to speak at this year’s RNC, if that’s his thing.
Back at the House of Love, Penn has gone full court press trying to get Stoltz to throw a rager. He’s also started hanging out with Fear frontman and dude who played Mr Body in the movie Clue Lee Ving, kicking this movie’s “what the actual fuck??” factor up another notch or two. Stoltz does not want to have a party. Instead, he shows up at the donut shop to act tough and try to win Lea Thompson back, even though he hasn’t really mentioned her or expressed any interest in her at any point in this movie. Lea Thompson sees Stoltzy and her heart is aflutter and she decides it’s ok to trade the orgasmatron for four pumps and a snore. Stoltz brings her back to his pad so they can watch Jaws 3-D on Betamax but they arrive to find that Penn has gone ahead and thrown a party anyway, the dirty dickhead. Man, people are drinking and having orgies and trying to microwave a poodle (seriously...an actual poodle). There’s a guy at the party who just looks like Michael Jackson but who is not Michael Jackson...and also a guy who looks just like Ron Wood and who is ACTUALLY RON WOOD! From the fuckin’ Stones! Rockin’ Ronnie...he’s in this movie too! Penn is in the closet trying to get sex from Sherilyn Fenn but she turns him down because Audrey Horne will have none of your rapey bullshit, Chris Penn!
When the sun rises the following morning the apartment has been completely destroyed and all of Stoltz’s furniture is floating in the complex’s swimming pool because of course it is. Penn comes to see Stoltz, who is wearing a blazer with nothing but a bare chest underneath, and tells him that he is a legend now. A legend for what!? For making it through the entire movie without contributing anything at all?? UGH!! It’s also now the first day of school, which means the characters who are still of school going age need to report for class. The dudes hit the scene to see whose fun they can spoil. Penn rolls up on Eileen, who still has less than zero interest in him. She tells him to leave her the hell alone. He grabs her and forces her into the car, kidnapping her. She squeals with delight. Eddie Van Halen squeals with guitar. I hang my head and weep. Stoltz drops Lea Thompson off and says “see you at Back to the Future” and she’s all “ohhh....ummm...yeah totally. You should....yeah!” Psycho Jim shows up sober and (hopefully) without explosives and decides that he will now attend high school without protest. The point of everything we’ve just watched continues to elude me. The credits roll. The same Cameron Crowe who wrote this movie goes on to win an Oscar for writing the movie Almost Famous. All’s well that ends well, I guess.