September 6, 2019
So here’s the deal: I’m pretty tight with The Muppets. Everyone who knows me knows that about me. I say anyone who doesn’t like The Muppets is all fucked up. So there’s this new Dark Crystal TV show that just dropped on Netflix...and I have had lots of folks checking in to ask me what I think about it...big Muppethead that I am. What I tell them is the truth: I have never seen The Dark Crystal. I know...I know! In the Jim Henson universe I was too old for Fraggle Rock...down with Labyrinth...but too young for The Dark Crystal. “But dude...weren’t you watching Porky’s when you were 4” you ask? You know...point well taken. I also have this life-long affliction where I have a really hard time understanding the plots to sci-fi/fantasy films. Shit is like algebra to me. You do not want to watch a Lord of the Rings movie with me unless you want to be peppered with, like, 30 ridiculous questions per minute (“Wait...who are these guys again?? Where are they going?? WHY??”). I figured right now seemed like the right time to finally go back and check out the original Dark Crystal...so I did. I will now attempt to explain it to you: A bazillion years ago on the planet Thra a harsh wind blows (I think that’s what I wrote in my notes anyway. It also looks like I wrote “Wizard Willis”. I need to drink less wine when I watch these flicks). A narrator tells us that the planet is dying or something but that these evil creatures called the Skeksis (rhymes with ‘sexies’) are able to cheat death ‘cuz they control the crystal. Here I’d like to point out that the this dark crystal isn’t dark at all but, in fact, a sort of iridescent purple. It looks like something Prince might’ve used for a centerpiece on his dining room table. I guess it isn’t literally dark...just dark in what it represents, you dig? OK then. The film opens with a super long scene of these Skeksis sitting around their castle grunting and growling at each other and shooting laser beams out of their eye holes. It’s like the beginning of 2001: A Space Odyssey but with 100% more Muppets. These Skeksis are a bunch of nasty bastards. If you took Sam the Eagle, dipped him in tar, glued Gonzo’s nose to his face, and let rats chew on him for a while you might end up with a Skeksi. Meanwhile across town we meet this kid Jen who is just sitting by his lonesome playing some Jethro Tull deep cuts on his flute. I say “his” because he sounds like a man and looks like Journey’s Steve Perry in the “Separate Ways” video...but I grew up with like 50 Jens and none were dudes. I think gender is fluid in the world of this film...and I’m totally supportive of that. So Jen is a Gelfing who was taken in and raised by these kindly slow-moving land whales called The Mystics after his parents were murdered by The Skeksis. Jen is summoned to meet the master of The Mystics...who is laid up with a terrible case of jaundice or something. The master lays out the plot of the movie for him/us: The Dark Crystal is missing a shard. Jen needs to find said missing shard and “heal” the crystal before the three suns align or the Skeksis will rule forever. And maybe the world will end? Or both? I already can’t remember! The master says to stop by Aughra’s crib and grab the shard and save the Mystics. Jen is super overwhelmed. The master says “yeah, I probably shoulda told you this sooner.” Then he says “we will meet again in another life...but not again in this one” and then his sallow old ass just up and croaks! Things have also gone pear-shaped back at castle Skeksis. Their master also dies but it ain’t no pleasant, whispery bedside chat-type death. Dude’s FACE falls off...and it’s scary as shit! When people die in this flick their bodies just evaporate...which must’ve been really frustrating for the casket salespeople of the day. The Skeksis need to anoint a new emperor. To do so the competing parties will play a good old game of whack the stone. First person to break the stone is emperor. I’m thinking maybe we should do this in 2020 instead of holding an election, eh? It’s a duel between this gross crab-looking Skek and the local Chamberlain, who coos like Julia Child after tasting a delicious plate of beef bourguignon. The Chamberlain loses and is stripped naked and banished. The Skeksis take a peep at the crystal and the crystal tells them that they are about to be destroyed by a Gelfing (snap!). They immediately dispatch these bug creatures called the Garthim to capture Jen. What do the Garthim look like? Imagine if the alien from Alien mated with a cockroach; that’s a Garthim. Absolutely terrifying, y’all. It’s at this point in the movie that I really started to wish that David Bowie would show up and sing some tunes. I mean...I generally think that about most movies. The deeper I get into a movie without pining for a David Bowie appearance the better the movie. Like Goodfellas. Zero Bowie desires in that flick. 27 Dresses: I prayed for Bowie before the opening credits ended. I just think he would’ve lightened things up a bit here. So dark this Dark Crystal. Anyway...Jen shows up at Augrha’s pad...which is basically a retrofitted set from a Terry Gilliam movie. Jen is a little put off by Aughra at first...mostly because she looks like what would happen if Samuel L Jackson and Bette Midler’s character from Hocus Pocus gave birth to an elderly purple goblin with a retractable detachable eye. Aughra brings Jen to her planet, umm, planetarium room and lays some trip on him about the upcoming Great Conjunction Junction...which might be the end of the world. Or also the beginning? See...these children’s fantasy films are confusing as shit! Jen is like “that’s all cool and the gang...but I’m here about the shards.” Aughra has mad shards lying around...but which one belongs to the dark crystal?? Jen plays a few bars from Thick as a Brick on his flute and the proper shard comes alive like Frampton. So that’s all good...but then the Garthim show up with their scary asses and tear the joint apart and take Aughra prisoner...which is less good. Jen manages to escape and heads to the swamp to see if there might be a banjo-playing frog he can jam with. Instead he comes across another Gelfing (Kira) who looks EXACTLY like he does but is maybe a lady? I just assumed they were twins. They hit it off with the quickness and immediately figure out they can see each other’s dreams if they hold hands. Man, as if it isn’t bad enough listening to someone talk about their dreams. Imagine having to actually watch them?? Kira has this rad little body-less pet something-or-other called Fizzigig who seems super chill (picture Animal but with no body). Kira doesn’t have fuck all going on in the swamp so she decides to join Jen on his journey. They stop to spend the night with the Podlings, who all look like they were made to look like singer/songwriter David Crosby at various stages of his life. There’s the young, clear-eyed Crosby Podling, the crazy gun-toting, freebasing 1980’s Crosby Podling, the present day benevolent walrus grandad with a quintuple bypass Crosby Podling (this one would have required some amazing foresight on the part of the filmmakers...but isn’t what that all of those damn crystals are for??). These Podlings seem like seriously righteous dudes. They pound a ton of booze and cut a rug to some Irish folk music. It’s kind of like the steerage party scene in Titanic but with Muppets. Unfortunately the Garthim show up again like a bad case of herpes and tear the joint apart and kidnap all of the Podling. Bunch of buzz killington’s, these Garthim! Jen and Kira head back to the swamp, where Jen laments the fact that he has no idea what he’s supposed to do with his crystal shard and tries to throw that shit away. Kira rubs moss on him to help him feel better (note: huh??). Are they gonna, like, hook up?? Jen and Kira stumble upon an abandoned Gelfing city with a bunch of weird Gelfing hieroglyphics on the wall. Kira says she doesn’t understand what writing is. Jen says that writing is “words that stay”. I found that to be really profound and made a special note of it. Now I think it might’vejust been my CBD lozenge kicking in. The Chamberlain drops in on them and offers to help broker a peaceful deal with the Skeksis. Man, no one needs a crystal shard to see that this Chamberlain is a double-dealing motherfucker! Jen and Kira flee from him on these baller-ass land speed creatures called Landstriders that were totally stolen from the Skywalker Ranch (it’s cool...this flick shares a producer with the first Star Wars...so lawyer down!). Back at the Skeksis castle the new Emperor is mad thirsty for essence of Gelfing. Since there’s no Gelfings on hand, one of the other Skeksis ties an imprisoned Podling to a chair, forces him to stare into the crystal, and then watches while his body starts to melt. He captures the Podling’s melted runoff in a test tube. This process leaves the Podling looking like Eli Wallach’s balls. The Skeksis brings the Essence of Podling to the Emperor, who gulps it down heartily. This Emperor has an advanced palate and can tell he isn’t drinking the real shit. He call the Skeksis a “slave squeezer” and WHAT KIND OF KIDS’ MOVIE IS THIS??? Did you read what I just wrote?? Gah! Also--if you drained me of my essence and drank it I bet it would taste like flat Miller High Life that smacks of crab rangoon. ANYWAY... did I mention we learn that Kira can fly at some point? Well...we do. The Gelfing finally arrive at the Skeksis castle and all hell breaks loose. The Chamberlain kidnaps Kira and tries to drain her essence. She DID stab him in the wrist earlier on...so fair play I say. Augrha (remember her??) tells Kira to call the Podlings loose so that’s what she does. They kick some serious Skeskis ass and even take down a few names. But shit! It’s time for Grand Conjunction Railroad! The three suns are gonna align and the Skeksis will then be immortal...unless they get that shard back into the crystal (I mean...I THINK that’s what’s going on??). Kira throws the shard to Jen and is subsequently stabbed to death by a Skeksis. Bummer city: population 1 dead Gelfing. Jen is all “noooo....what do I do now!?” The suns are aligning...the Skeksis are there...The Mystics have dragged their old wrinkled asses into the room...shit could not be going down any harder. Just put the fucking thing in the thing already!!! He finally heals the crystal and the entire set falls away and the Mystics and the Skeksis fuse into super-beings called urSkeks, who look like the stairs ghost from Poltergeist but non-threatening. So everyone is granted eternal life and there’s no more beef between anyone but Jen is all “I’m glad y’all are happy but my ladyfriend is totally still dead. Maybe do a brother a solid since I saved all of creation?” So they do. They do Jen a solid and bring Kira back to life and everyone is happy and high. Phew. The end.