When people ask me what it was like to have grown up when bands like Pearl Jam and Soundgarden and Alice in Chains were at the peak of their powers I tell them the following: while some people did listen to those bands pretty much everyone else spent the early 90’s listening exclusively to The Bodyguard Soundtrack. (note: no one has ever asked me this question but...well..there’s my answer!). Whitney Houston’s singles from that soundtrack, bangers all, propelled that disc to the top of the charts, where it would remain for twenty weeks. It spent almost THREE YEARS in the Billboard Top 200. It charted when Nirvana were still touring Nevermind and didn’t fall off until Nirvana no longer existed but the Foo Fighters did. It still holds the title of highest grossing soundtrack of all time some 28 years later and will probably hold that title until the end of time (which...let’s be honest...could be any day now). The movie also raked in about half a bill worldwide. It opened in November of ’92 and was still going strong on Valentine’s Day ’93, when Warner Bros. launched their “Relive the greatest romance of all time” campaign. And you know what? People listened! They went out and saw The Bodyguard again and again. While cuts from the soundtrack are still played 7 days a week at locations where music is still played, the film has more or less faded from view. And the reason for this....and I’m in a position to say so because I just finished watching it...is that it is shit terrible.
What happens is this: at the opening of the flick we meet Frank Farmer, a vaguely disgraced former Secret Service agent who now works as muscle-for-hire. We assume he’s an effective bodyguard because he shoots an intruder to death before the opening credits finish rolling. Frank Farmer is played by Postman star Kevin Costner, trading his form hugging dungarees for a drab monkey suit and a perma-frown. He has also traded his luscious, sandy, Robin of Locksley locks for a caesar...five years before George Clooney made it acceptable for a guy to rock a caesar. Costner was always a bit of an enigma back in the day in that he often came across as both supremely talented and also the world’s worst actor. It was not uncommon for him to be nominated for a Best Actor Oscar and a Worst Actor Raspberry in the same calendar year. His work in the Bodyguard is pure Hall of Shame material. His character rarely flies above a 3...maybe 3.5 on the enthusiasm scale. Farmer is congratulated for saving the life of the ponytailed Richard Branson knockoff that he works for. Ponytail offers Farmer a bundle of dough to remain in his employ but Farmer says that he’s all set. Says that he’d rather go back to his dumpy ass two bedroom ranch out in Covina and eat canned soup straight outta the saucepan. So that’s exactly what he does.
Farmer’s retirement lasts less than 12 hours. The following morning he is visited by an older gentleman by the name of Devaney, who says he wants to hire Farmer to protect his uber famous client, star of stage and screen Rachel Marron (played by uber famous star of stage and screen Whitney Houston...hitting it in the park in her film debut. A single...maybe even a double). Yeah, so the previous scene involved some sort of bomb going off backstage at a concert somewhere...but it was so shittily directed and edited that it was impossible to tell exactly what happened and to whom. Someone is out to get Rachel and Devaney offers Farmer $2k per week if he can prevent this someone from doing that something. Farmer says that he doesn’t mess with celebrities and hasn’t bought a new album since Tammy Wynette’s Stand by Your Man came out so he has no idea who Rachel Marron is. Devanaey ups the purse to $3k per week. Farmer says that he’ll at least come suss out the sitch but to watch him throw some throwing knives first. So he does. He watches Frank Farmer throw knives. Farmer rolls up to Rachel Marron’s hysterically massive fuck you mansion in his El Camino (it’s a car...AND a truck!) and can instantly tell that the security protocols they have in place are whack as crack. The front gate intercom is all staticy and there’s a stalker circling the premises in a Toyota 4-Runner and they let him into the house even though he tells them his name is Alexander Graham Bell. He’s led to Rachel’s indoor soundstage, where the smoke machine is turned up to 11. I know that I use that line all the time but, in this case, there is an ACTUAL smoke machine visible in several shots (whether said smoke machine goes up to 11 or not is not known). Rachel is surrounded by her entourage of flunkies, including her knobhead British manager Sy, her palpably jealous older sister Nicki, and her burly Italian head of security Tony, who is played by Mike Starr, the Irish actor who has played about 300 burly Italian tough guys...and who is not to be confused with the Mike Starr who played bass in Alice in Chains and who is now dead. Rachel also has an 8 year-old son named Fletcher (father: unknown. Never spoken of). They ask Farmer if he’d like a beverage and he requests an orange juice. He then proceeds to crush OJ in pretty much every scene that he’s in for the rest of the movie. If restaurants ever open their doors again I’m gonna start asking servers for a “Frank Farmer” and then get all pissed off when they don’t know what I’m talking about. (Ummm...The Bodyguard??....Orange Juice????....Duh!!!). Rachel starts undressing Farmer with her eyes right from “hello”...which makes absolutely no sense. She’s a gorgeous superstar musician and Academy Award nominee (don’t ask) and he’s an unsmiling security guard with the personality of a wet fart. Frank is just as uncomfortable as us folks watching the movie are and tries to get up outta there with the quickness. He agrees to head upstairs with Sy and Devanaey to look over the threatening letters Rachel has been receiving, most of which look like pages torn out of a steampunk novel. This stalker...he’s got a gift! Sy tells Farmer that Rachel doesn’t know about the letters or about the exploding doll in the dressing room (so THAT’S what happened in that scene!? Good to know). He also tells Farmer that someone broke into the house, went into Rachel’s bedroom, and jizzed all over goddamn bed! “Umm, that’s a problem,” Farmer says. And the award for Understatement of the Year goes to!! Sy doesn’t see it that way at all. He says it isn’t a big deal and then starts grilling Farmer on his resume. Farmer says that he did two years with Carter and four with Reagan. “Reagan was shot!” Sy says, not unreasonably. “Not on my watch” says Farmer. Ohhhhh...
Farmer takes the job and settles in for a quick “beefing up security” montage. He brings over a shitload of guns and installs security cameras and teaches the staff chauffeur how to drive the limousine like an Indy 500 car. He has a quick heart to heart with Nicki, who tells him that she used to be the more talented of the sisters. She and Rachel even had a Led Zeppelin cover band in the fourth grade (there is a picture of this. It is amazing) but then Rachel eclipsed the living shit out of her and “sigh, I guess that’s fine, deeper sigh.” And look, if you don’t think that this eternally jilted, unfamous older sister doesn’t have something to do with Rachel being stalked then you have never seen a movie. I would’ve prefaced that with a spoiler alert if I thought there was anything to spoil.
Rachel takes her crew out to brunch but things go asswards when a young fan approaches for a selfie and Frank chokes her out (the kid....not Rachel). Rachel is pissed but then they are followed home by that same 4-Runner from earlier. Farmer dives out of the limo and tries to catch 4-Runner but he’s on foot and 4-Runner’s screw. Sy gives Farmer a ration of shit when he gets back to the house. “Look mate--if she wants to brunch she needs to be able to brunch!” Farmer suggests she try brunching on Tuesday instead. Sy is beside himself. “Brunch!?? On Tuesday?? There’s no bottomless mimosas on Tuesday!!” Symalso complains that the house is now so secure that Robin Leach of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous was turned away at the gate. Bummer dude! I guess he’ll have to head down to Rodeo Drive and cameo in Troop Beverly Hills instead. Farmer says “this shit is NMP, Spandau Ballet!” I wrote that last line because this is the point in the movie when I realized that Sy was being played by Spandau Ballet frontman Gary Kemp! Ahh...so Whitney Houston isn’t the only 80’s pop superstar in this flick! True story: I once walked into a film festival in NYC next to Gary Kemp. I was on my way to watch a documentary about Elliott Smith. He was on his way to watch a documentary about...umm...Spandau Ballet.
Rachel makes Frank take her clothes shopping at a boutique on Melrose. She models outfits for him flirtily but Frank huffs and says “I’m not here to watch you shop.” Man, for $3k a week!? I’d watch her SHIT! Later, Frank is chugging a glass of Grovestand when the crew inform him that Rachel has some sort of club gig THAT NIGHT. Like, how does the head of security have NO IDEA that there’s a live performance on his client’s schedule until 10 minutes beforehand. I’m starting to feel like everything in this movie exists solely to piss me off. They all pile into the limo and Frank slips Rachel this secret crucifix buzzer and tells her that if she presses it, he’ll magically materialize. Man, I want a little buzzer that makes Kevin Costner appear! “Hey Kevin! Kevin! Do Ray Kinsella! No wait--do Jim Garrison!!” They pull up to the club to find like five THOUSAND screaming fans waiting outside and of course they have to bring her through the front fucking door. Everyone recognizes Rachel even though she’s wearing a Darth Vader shroud (with Madonna’s Blonde Ambition Tour costume underneath). Inside, they find yet another threatening letter. This one says something like Marron Bitch--you are going to die!” #1--he ain’t wrong...and #2--I’m going to use Marron Bitch as the opening salutation for every letter I write from here on out. Devaney is like “man, another letter” and Rachel is like “what do you mean ANOTHER letter??” Devaney finally spills the beans. “There was a man in the house and he beat off all over da bed!” Wait a minute--I realize I’m thinking in real time here...but if Rachel didn’t know she was being stalked then why would she consent to let them beef up her security with this Farmer?? What’s wrong with Mikey Starr?? Rachel says she’s scared and that she wants to go home...only to turn around and say “no fucking freak is gonna run me off of my stage” like eight seconds later. Spandau Ballet finds Frank and gives him another tongue lashing. Says that Rachel needs to perform otherwise she’ll end up in the poor house and that she might as well be dead if she can’t be in the public eye and COME ONNNNN!!!! This lady lives in a $20 million dollar mega mansion and is up for an Oscar for a film that doesn’t appear to exist (seriously, they couldn’t have filmed some fake clips or something??) and she has to schlep out to play club gigs under the threat of assassination?? You would fly this lady to Guam and hide her under a pile of snakes until the stalker is neutralized ASAP. Wouldn’t make for much of a movie if they just went ahead and did that though. Although...I don’t know that what we’re watching is much of a movie either....so there’s that. Rachel goes out on stage and it’s fucking bedlam. The venue has the shittiest security this side of Altamont. Hell’s Angels and golden retrievers just wandering all over the stage. The crowd bum rushes Rachel and knocks her onto the top of the mosh pit, where they start tearing her Blonde Ambition outfit off piece by piece (it’s cool...there’s a lot of pieces). Frank tucks her under his arm like a football and rushes her through the crowd, punching out a baker’s dozen worth of dudes along the way. For his efforts, he gets to read her a bedtime story.
The next morning, after an epically unsafe jog, Rachel encounters Farmer and expresses concern that she might not be able to go out on dates with such an intense security detail. “So why don’t YOU take me to a movie then, Frank Farmer?” she asks. Riiiiight...this beautiful black celebrity wants to go see Fried Green Tomatoes with this white tub of plain yogurt in Dockers and a polo? Who wrote this shit anyway!? What’s that? Legendary Empire Strikes Back writer and Big Chill director Larry Kasdan? Well....shit. Frank takes her to see Yojimbo because of course he does. Later, they go to some dive bar to sip Bud Lights and listen to The Allman Brothers. Upgrade from the OJ, I guess. Frank tells Rachel that he was only in love once but that the lady was murdered while under his protection. Then he tells her that he is just busting her balls! What a DICK! Dolly Parton’s “I Will Always Love You” comes on the juke (not her version though...some awful man version) and Rachel is like “what is this sad cowboy shit? You like this shit, Farmer?” He does. In fact, it was Kevin Costner who recommended that Houston cover Parton’s torch song for this movie. You can totally see the Cos cruising up to Spago in his Porsche with Dolly Parton dimed out on the Blaupunkt, can’t you? I can. Rachel gives the tune a listen and her eyes fill up with dollar signs. Instead of enjoying the spoils of Rachel’s luxury fortress, Frank takes her to his utilitarian basement (foosball table...framed Ansel Adams photos...exposed hot water heater). He tells her that he can’t get involved with his clients...even though they have been on this date since the beginning of time!! This date sequence is interminable!! The start smooching and sparks are not seen flying anywhere in greater Los Angeles County. Seriously, there was more chemistry between Tom Hanks and his volleyball than there is between these two. So they ball...but the next morning Frank is up and out. No morning after victory lap and certainly no cuddle. Rachel is like “what the fuck? For real, dude?” And Frank is like “yup--I already told you I don’t mix business with pleasure...except for last night when I mixed the shit out of it. I have to go to work now.” Wait a minute--doesn’t he work for HER? He isn’t even gonna give her a lift to her own house?? Nope! He tells her if she doesn’t like it she can fire him. That’s some subzero assholery right there.
Inexplicably, Rachel decides to keep Frank in her employ. She makes him accompany her to Miami, where she’s scheduled to perform at a $1000 a plate gala at the Fontainebleau Hotel. There, Frank runs into his old Secret Service buddy Portman, who asks Frank why he went underground after “the whole Reagan thing?” Wait, I thought he just had the day off, no? Rachel meets Portman and decides she would like to have revenge sex with him immediately....but then just as immediately changes her mind, causing Portman to get super rapey. I got a bad feeling about this Portman guy. The next morning Rachel is hungover as all get out and she comes to see Frank, who erupts at her. “I didn’t tell you to fuck every guy in the hotel!” he screams like a crazy animal. Number of guys actually fucked in the hotel: zero. By Rachel, anyway. Frank goes down to the parking garage to cool off but then sees a guy looking at him askance and beats the living shit out of the guy. He elevators back upstairs to quit...but word has come down that the stalker has called Rachel on the telephone. She’s scared. People beg him to stay on. “I can’t work with her--she’s not reasonable!” Maybe she’s not reasonable cuz you fucking dicked her over, Silverado! Rachel says she’ll do whatever Frank says to prevent him from quitting. He says “I know this much is true--Spandau Ballet has got to go!” He then suggests that they hide somewhere off the grid until this stalker thing blows over. Now why didn’t someone think of this earlier?? They could’ve lobbed a good 90 minutes off of this flick!
Frank brings Rachel, Nicki, and Fletcher to his old man’s lakeside cabin up in the mountains, where it is wintertime. They sit down to dinner and pop Farmer tells everyone that Frank never recovered from Reagan’s shooting. Unlike, you know, REAGAN!! It turns out that he had to miss work on the day of the assassination attempt because it was also the day of his mother’s funeral. Dude, that is a LEGIT excuse! So that’s why he’s such a grouchy lone wolf?? If you brought that story to a therapist they would laugh you right out of the goddamn office! After everyone bunks down for the night, Nicki gets cocked and tries to hook it up with Frank. “Come onnn...aren’t you into sisters??” He is not. “Why does SHE always get the good ones??” Fletcher tries to take their little motorboat out on the lake for a solo cruise but Frank sees this and freaks out and yokes the kid into the frigid water. Rachel is ripshit. “Are you crazy!? You could’ve killed him!! He..” OH SHIT!! The boat explodes!! There was a bomb onboard! And someone has cut the phone lines and the gas lines to the cars! Frank suggests they stay there one more night and then walk out in the morning. You know...night--when the killers come out. Do they not have Ubers in this town? Frank is confused cuz no one could have known their location unless Nicki was somehow the mastermind behind the plot to stalk and murder her own sister...which is exactly what’s happening. Try not to faint. She confesses to Frank. “How can I compete with Rachel--she’s every woman!!” Later that night someone breaks into the house but shoots only Nicki to death. Frank gives chase in the snow and fires his gun 20 times but the bad guy gets away. When Frank finally reaches a payphone he calls the FBI, who inform him that Rachel’s stalker has been in custody for the last 24 hours!! And he’s...some random dude with a grey mullet who I have never seen in another movie before or since. So who shot Nicki then?? I bet it was that damn Sasquatch.
Nickie is quickly laid to rest at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery. You are probably wondering how Rachel feels about her own sister launching a murder-for-hire plot against her. Well keep wondering, motherfuckers, because it is NEVER MENTIONED AGAIN! Not a peep! Gotta keep on keepin’ on and get ready for Oscar night. Remember, Rachel is nominated for Best Actress for a movie that does not exist. At least it has a title now: Queen of the Night. I’m sure it’s awesome. Spandau Ballet is back in the fold and the pressure is on for Rachel to keep up her appearances...even though no one knows who murdered her sister (except her sister, obvi). Frank is freaking the frig out, even though I’m sure the Oscars must have their own security. All those famous assholes under one roof?? Forget about it! They arrive and some pushy house manager who is totally Toby Ziegler from the West Wing makes Frank shut off his headset comms, making it impossible for him to guard body. First Rachel wants to go out and present an award. Then she doesn’t. Everyone bickers endlessly and annoyingly. Even Debbie Reynolds is overheard to say “these people are fricken nuts.” Frank runs into that rapey Portman guy from Miami, who says he’s there to protect Batman star Robert Wuhl. Dude, ain’t nobody trying to get at Bobby Wuhl! So now we probably know--Portman is the killer. Why he did not kill Rachel when they were alone in a bedroom in Miami we do not know. Portman is able to blend into the crowd because he’s carrying a camera....that shoots bullets! So blah blah blah....Rachel wins her award and comes to the stage to give her acceptance speech. Portman fires one off but Frank dives in front of Rachel in super slow motion and takes the bullet to the chest. He remains conscious for long enough to spin around and return fire. He hits Portman in the video camera, which is next to his face. They both explode. It’s mad gnarly. Rachel throws herself onto Frank’s bloodied body and wails “please don’t die!!!” but my man is cashed out. He starts to fade to black and PLAY THE HIT ALREADY!!!!
Cut to: an airplane tarmac however many days later. Rachel and her posse are about to board a private jet. And who’s that waiting in the shadows like a dope with his arm in a sling? Frank Fucking Farmer!! Is that what they give you for a chest wound?? An arm sling? He didn’t get shot in the friggin’ arm! Rachel is super chilly to him, which makes little sense especially when you consider the fact that she was just crying over his almost dead body like two minutes ago. Frank says he is leaving the job. Rachel says that that is cool with her, boy BYE. See you on the never. She hops on the plane and they start to taxi down the runway but Rachel screams “stop the presses!” and the pilot is like “what presses?” Rachel ejects herself from the plane and lunges into Frank’s good arm and they make out like bastards. She changed her mind! So that’s really the theme of this entire movie: Rachel Marron is a goddamn flip flopper. They finally play the hit...so there you have it: she will always love him or whatever. Rachel keeps on Racheling. Frank gets a new gig guarding a corrupt senator. The movie ends on a freeze frame of Frank’s bored ass looking face...and a reflection of my bored ass looking face looking back at this boring ass movie. Everyone lives happily ever after...ish. The end.