*originally posted august 31, 2017
Ok folks...it's time for VHS of the week:
You know how The Clash’s London Calling was the last album released in the 1970’s? Well turns out Tango and Cash was the last film released in the 1980’s! What these two things have to do with each other I do not know. T&C had a notoriously difficult production due to Sylvester Stallone’s general assholery and the producer’s decision to replace director Andrei Russianlastname with Purple Rain director Albert Magnoli mid shoot. That’s right...this flick was partially directed by the guy who made Purple Rain...and it’s just like Purple Rain but without Prince and music. Seriously though...this movie reeks of bullshit from the opening sequence where renegade police officer Tango (Stallone) manages to outrun an out of control gas tanker in a convertible Chrysler LeBaron. His chief is all “who the hell you think you are, Rambo?? (WINK!!)”. He then fires a pistol into the gas tanker and everyone freaks out but then cocaine comes pouring out of the trunk. Tango is a genius. Meanwhile across town officer Cash, played by Kurt Russell in all of his mulleted glory, is being chased down by 80’s movie asian bad guy #674. Not to worry though: he catches the dude and then tries to choke him to death in an interrogation room in a scene that is played for laughs. We quickly learn that Tango & Cash are the hottest of hot shot police officers in all of LA county whose respective exploits are on the front page of the newspaper every day (note: really?). They are also rivals for reasons that are scarcely explained. Soon, though, they’ll be getting to know each other real well because evil henchman Jack Palance has an evil plan to frame T&C for murder and get them off the streets and out of his evil bidness. We know he is evil because he has two mice that he has named Tango and Cash and he spends the entire film whispering evil things to the baby mice. Dude is THAT mean. Right so T&C get found guilty for murder or something and get sent to prison together. Casual homophobia and rape jokes abound. Jack Palance tries to have them murdered in prison but they escape in a rainy, night time prison break scene that goes on for about 45 minutes. Most of the movie is just this one sequence. Dudes must have got mad colds filming in all that fake rain. On the outside they go their separate ways and try to clear their names. Kurt Russell hooks up with a stripper played by Terri Hatcher...who totally turns out to be Stallone’s sister (OH MAN!). Eventually they get some help from a police lab whiz (a profession that I’m guessing only exists in movies) played by ace character actor Michael J Pollard, who sets them up with this super mondo assault vehicle tank SUV thing. They hit the road ready to take on and and all evil doers. And it was at this point that the 4-pack Lawson’s Sip of Sunshine I drank crept up on me and I passed out before the end of the movie. I don’t really feel like rewinding and watching the rest...but I’m guessing it is awesome. The end.