*originally posted july 20, 2018
OK folks....time for VHS of the week:
Ok so this flick is one of only a handful of movies that the late film critic Roger Ebert “awarded” a rating of Zero Stars. I mean...I saw it in the theater when it came out and thought it was alright...but I decided to check it out again and...ho lee shit...zero stars is being generous. What we have here is a completely laugh-free “comedy” about a single dad who will stop at nothing to prevent his 15 year-old daughter from losing her virginity. The dad in question is played by Tony Danza. He’s a radio station program director with an office featuring panoramic views of downtown LA and gold records on the walls and lots of glass-top tables for bands to do drugs on. He also drives the same car as Cameron’s dad in Ferris Bueller (they must have fixed it). I mean...I went to WBCN a few times back in the day and it looked like the reception area of a car insurance office....but maybe there was more dough in the radio business back in the 1980’s. He’s raising two teenage daughters on his own but he’s also dating the mom from the first Child’s Play movie...and they have zero onscreen chemistry. In fact...I want to say this lady had better chemistry with Chucky than she does with Tony Danza. Right so Tony Danza has to go outta town so Child’s Play mom decides to give the oldest daughter Katie a makeover for her 15th birthday. Katie is played by Amy Dolenz, daughter of Monkees drummer Mickey Dolenz, who was actually 20 at the time they made this piece of shit. Why they had her play a 15 year-old instead of an age that’s a bit more, you know, legal, in a sex movie we do not know. She looks pretty much exactly the same after the makeover except she no longer has the braces that she has removed even though the orthodontist tells her they aren’t ready to come out for several more years. It’s like...hey I had your daughter’s braces prematurely torn out...hope you enjoy the tens of thousands of dollars worth of unnecessary dentist bills you’ll have now! So Tony Danza gets home from his trip and mad dudes are calling and showing up to his house to try to boink his braces-less 15 year-old daughter. He’s like...I’m not gonna let this happen...because I’m THE BOSS! But then he takes Katie to the beach and realizes a bunch of 12 year-old boys are ogling her so he attacks them in a scene that I guess is played for laughs but is actually terrifying. Danza’s girlfriend forces him to go to therapy and this is where things really turn shithouse. The therapist is played by the legendary Harvard-educated playwright and author of My Dinner with Andre and star of Princess Bride, Wallace Shawn. Instead of calming pops down he makes him go batshit crazy; convincing him to basically start stalking his own daughter. For her part...the daughter is like “you know...I’m not doing anything wrong...I’m just enjoying this new attention!” She is literally NOT OUT OF CONTROL AT ALL!!! I mean...did the people who made this movie sit back after a day’s shooting and think “ahhh...we are doing the lord’s work here!” I planned to put this question to director Stan Dragotti but he got wind that I was featuring this movie on my VHS series and promptly dropped dead. (Note: this isn’t exactly true. I wasn’t going to contact him...but he did die last week). So what else happens? She starts dating Bobby Brooks from Twin Peaks....which is awesome!....but then she dumps him for Matthew Perry....which is less awesome. They go to the prom together and of course her creeper father follows them there disguised as a Mexican waiter (why’s he gotta be, Mexican, bro? why so racist, guys?) Matthew Perry tries to take Katie’s virginity and she’s all “not so fast, Chandler Bing, I’m 15, homie.” He’s all “you’re a filthy tease...no one says no to me!” Dad busts in the room and kicks his ass...so maybe it's a good thing he’s been stalking his daughter? I just don’t know. The daughter is still pissed and Danza is pissed at Wallace Shawn for making him crazy and I’m pissed I decided to watch this movie. Everyone is pissed! Danza goes to confront Wallace Shawn at his radio station. They fight and Danza is thrown from a 20 story building....but only suffers sprained neck? Oh this loathsome movie. So in the end Katie heads off to Europe for the summer where she does lose her virginity to a guy named Alejandro in a druggy Barcelona nightclub at 6AM. Danza gets his own short-lived TV talk show where he makes his Z-list guests play an embarrassing game called Extrava-Danza. Ok...only the latter is true. Whatever. The end.