If you’ve read any of the 150-plus VHS of the Week entries I’ve posted over the last three years, you might assume that I have a terrifying amount of useless film-related knowledge rattling around up in my cabeza. And you know--you’d be correct! But I’m here to tell y’all--my first true love was not actually film but the rock n’ roll music. Specifically, 1980’s hair metal. The more Aqua Net and eyeliner on a dude, the better! Poison, Cinderella, Faster Pussycat--I grew up on that shit! If you looked at a picture of me in the 7th grade you’d see a kid with a mullet who wore a brown leather jacket and the same Van Halen For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge Tour ‘91 to school every single day for months on end (over baggy MC Hammer pants! No wonder I got dunked on so hard!). If you looked at a picture of me from the 8th grade you’d see a kid with cropped hair, a baggy flannel shirt, and a pair of Doc Marten boots who has replaced his Gn’R tapestry with a Pearl Jam poster. I was so concerned that people would uncover my heavy metal secrets that I threw all of my non-Metallica metal CDs in the trash. The actual trash! What can I say? Musical preference was deeply intertwined with social hierarchy back when I was growing up. If someone came to my house and saw that I had Mr Big’s “To Be With You” on cassingle I might be exiled to a less desirable lunch table. Obviously, now that I’m a grown ass man, I wear my metalhead past like a badge of honor. I own Warrant’s Cherry Pie on vinyl and I listen to it once a week. What are you gonna do? Beat me up for my milk money? In December of 2019, I went to see Ratt play at the back of a brew pub next to Gillette Stadium. Or, Stephen Pearcy, his bass player, and three twenty somethings they pulled out of the Guitar Center on Sunset, anyway. It would turn out to be the last show I would see before Covid-19 struck and still the last live music I saw in person, as of this writing. And I’m totally cool with that! (ish). While I love music and film with equal fervor, I firmly believe that the two should never meet onscreen. I mean--this happens all of the damn time, obviously, but I think you can count the number of good rock n’ roll biopics on one finger...and that finger counts the 1987 film La Bamba and nothing else. There’s a small handful of flicks that accurately portray the ins and outs of the lives of musicians (the Paul Dano half of the Brian Wilson flick Love and Mercy jumps immediately to mind...maybe Straight Outta Compton too) but the rest of the biopics are pretty much all some variation of Oliver Stone’s The Doors. And you can go tell that Bohemian Rhapsody bullshit to the fucking tourists. Ohh...but what about the Academy Award, Tebo?? To quote Sick Boy: It means FUCK ALL! Does this mean I don’t rush out to watch every music-related flick the second it hits screens? Of course not! If y’all don’t know that I love hot garbage by now…
One flick that I did not rush out to see but, in fact, waited a full 20 years until a VHS copy turned up at the local thrift store to check out is the 2001 Mark Wahlberg vehicle Rock Star. I only vaguely recall seeing a poster for this movie, featuring a gauzy shot of a long-haired Wahlberg with a guitar case slung over his back (note: he does not play the guitar in this film) and the words “Rock Star” and thinking...dude...fuckin’...NO! You see, kids--given my age and the fact that I grew up outside of Boston, I will always think of Mark Wahlberg as Marky Mark of the Funky Bunch. NKOTB superstar Donnie Wahlberg’s underwear modeling baby brother who liked to get dusted and prowl the streets of Dorchester committing racially motivated hate crimes. When he started to try his hand at acting by fingerblasting Reese Witherspoon on a roller coaster and then decapitating her family dog in the 1995 film Fear, few could’ve guessed Marky would eventually eclipse older brother’s fame and go one to be one of the highest paid actors in the world. But hey--that’s what happened! Donald Trump was a bankrupt casino owner back in the 1990’s. The world is unpredictable and often terrible. Do I think he’s a bad actor? Not really. His work in films like Boogie Nights and The Departed is unimpeachable and his Academy Award nomination for the latter was well deserved. Do I think he’s a good person? Not really. The amount of time I spend thinking about Mark Wahlberg on a given day is usually around zero minutes...but he’ll occasionally show up in the news for making a boneheaded claim like how he would’ve single handedly prevented 9/11 had he been aboard Flight 11 that fateful morning. Speaking to the New Yorker in 2012, Walberg said “If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.” You hear that, thousands of bereaved family members?? If only Mr Good Vibrations had been on the plane y’all’s loved ones would still be alive!! Here in Boston, though, the Wahlberg’s remain a beloved dynasty. They’re like a low rent, burger schlepping version of the Kennedy’s minus the Brahmin accents and all that untimely death.
First, a little bit of history: In 1992, Judas Priest lost their inimitable frontman when Rob Halford quit the band. This I knew. In 1996, Judas Priest hired the frontman of a Judas Priest cover band (Tim “Ripper” Owens) to be their new lead singer. This I did NOT know. By the late 90’s I was too busy listening to Elliott Smith and crying in my congee to pay much attention to the latest comings and goings in the decimated world of 80’s metal. At that point, a lot of arena superstars of yesteryear were slowly starting to regroup in severely diminished form, often sans an essential original member or two...or three...or four. I really can’t think of another genre that has continually fleeced ticket buyers out of their hard earned dollars with bullshit, ad hoc lineups with less shame than 80’s metal. If, for example, you want to see LA Guns you really need to pay attention as there’s often THREE different lineups simultaneously active, one of which is led by drummer Steve Riley. Who the hell wants to see that shit!? That’d be like Larry Mullen launching Larry Mullen’s U2 with a fake Bono, fake Edge and fake Adam. Here I should confess that, before the pandemic hit, I had tickets to see a Skid Row-less Sebastian Bach play the first Skid Row album in its entirety...and tickets to see a Sebastian Bach-less Skid Row play….whatever it is that the Sebastian Bach-less Skid Row plays in the year 2020. You want to see Joey Molland’s Badfinger play a Chinese restaurant at Hampton Beach, who am I to judge!? Judas Priest, though, were part of an upper echelon of metal bands (Iron Maiden, Ozzy, Def Lep) that took a hit in the 90’s but never ended up playing the nostalgia cruise circuit (note: I didn’t actually research that last claim before making it. They may have played a cruise. I hear those gigs pay quite well!). Yes, Judas Priest was fronted by a dude from a Judas Priest cover band during the lean years, but Halford rejoined the band in 2004 and they’re still going strong today. Or...actually...I just looked at their wikipedia page and their current lineup is Halford, bassist Ian Hill, and some hired guns. So maybe forget that last part!
Despite the fact that people were busy listening to a shitload of Limp Bizkit and nothing else in the year 2001, someone over at Warner Bros thought that the Ripper Owens story should be made into a movie and that people would want to pay money to see this movie. They changed the names to protect the innocent (Priest is Steel Dragon....Owens is Chris “Izzy” Cole...the music was written specifically for the film by a head-scratching crew of also rans from the worlds of both metal and alt rock ). They cast Brad Pitt as Owens, which is awesome, but he quit the film before shooting started and they replaced him with Mark Wahlberg, which is less awesome. Seriously, did they watch those scenes in Boogie Nights where Dirk Digger tries to record an album and think “this guy can SHRED!” (“You got the TOUCH….You got the POWER!!!). They cast Jennifer Aniston of the fuck you popular television show Friends...who looks like the heaviest band she listens to is the band who wrote the Friends theme song...as ChrissIzzy’s high school sweetheart, Emily. And behind the camera we have Stephen Hereck, who also directed Critters, Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead, Mr Holland’s Opus, and the original Bill & Ted. That’s a serious run of ace flicks right there but the vibe he brings to Rock Star is all over the map. It’s like he was shooting for something that would fall between the abject depravity of Motley Crue’s The Dirt and the safe, lightheartedness of Wayne’s World. Something with enough sleeze for the Judas Priest fans out in the Heavy Metal Parking Lot but not so much sleeze as to scare off the Aniston diehards. What he ended up with was something that played like a Behind the Music episode (seriously--there’s faux interviews and everything. I kept expecting to hear a narrator say “next up...Steel Dragon...BOTTOMS OUT!) that appealed to exactly no one.
What happens is this: We open at the practice space of Blood Pollution, a Steel Dragon cover band, in the city of Pittsburgh in the year 1985. Right off the bat I’m doubly confused ‘cuz the Judas Priest-related events recounted in the movie actually occurred in the late 90’s. Also--almost ALL of the music in this film came out AFTER 1985. Like...is that fucking EVERCLEAR on the soundtrack!? Come on, dudes! Anyway, Chris (Wahlberg) is the singer of the band and he is CUT! Like, from marble. Leather jeans, a leather jacket, and a bare chest all day long. He’s serious as a heart attack about this cover band shit, too. When his lead guitarist Rob (future Deadwood star and non-guitarist Timmy Olyphant) plays a lick that deviates slightly from the Steel Dragon original and Chris balls him out. Me? Speaking of balls, Wahlberg’s character sings like he has his stones in a vice...but his vocals were actually recorded by Steelheart frontman Miljenko Matijevic...and if you actually know who Steelheart is then you are totally someone I want to know! After practice, the fellas head to the local arena to check out the REAL Steel Dragon. Chris ends up in the front row, where he wails so loud that Steel Dragon singer Bobby Beers gives him the nod of approval from the stage because of course he does. Later, Chris and a thoroughly bemused looking Jennifer Aniston (Emily) try to get backstage, but Steel Dragon’s gross goblin of a manager Mats says that backstage can only be accessed via fellatio and the fellas decline. Later, the members of Blood Pollution run into the members of a rival Steel Dragon cover band in the parking lot and they argue over who has bigger dicks before brawling. Ho hum.
The next morning we learn a bit about Chris’ home life...which looks pretty friggin’ idyllic. Dude is pushing 30 and works at a Copy Cop by day but he gets to live rent free at his parent’s piece...and they’re mad supportive about this whole cover band business. Shit, his mom is the Sparkle Motion lady from Donnie Darko! Who rules harder than that lady!? To be fair, his older brother is a police officer who comes into his room and beats him gently with a nightstick and makes vaguely homophobic comments...but what are you gonna do? He’s a cop. At least he doesn’t, you know, shoot him. By night, when he isn’t screaming balls with his buddies, Chris sings in the church choir with Emily. Later, she comes over to his house and they swig Jack Daniels and listen to AC/DC and she rubs ice all over his nipples. I thought maybe dude just liked a hard nip but I guess this was foreplay for a little piercing sesh. Afterwards, Chris is like “i’ma do you now” and she’s like “umm...do you know how much money I make on Friends?? You think I’m gonna bare my breasts for this flick YOU GOT ANOTHER THING COMIN’!” Blood Pollution’s next gig is at a local steel mill and it’s attended by, like, five THOUSAND people!! Look, I know some cover bands do pretty well. Shit, right now there’s a Sublime cover band that outdraws the band with the actual non-deceased members of Sublime. But that band ceased to exist 25 years ago. This movie supposedly takes place when Judas Priest was still filling 20k arenas. Were there really cover bands that could pull in the thousands that were active at the same time?? I really don’t feel like looking it up so I’m just gonna say that there was not. Blood Pollution also has an elaborate, multi-level stage set (with STAIRS!) and a dressing room with those lighted showbiz mirrors. Tim Olyphant looks in the mirror and says that he just keeps putting on makeup until he wants to fuck himself. I laugh a little laugh. Look, I’ve worked as a tour manager for approximately one tour and have been backstage at clubs all over the lower 48. If you aren’t in, I don’t know, Green Day, then your backstage situation is probably either a dank, windowless closet with a complimentary bag of Tostitos and a sixer of Miller High Life or NO backstage area at all. Have fun taking shits next to your van before the show! ANYWAY, Blood Pollution takes the stage and the crowd roars like a lion. I’m not sure who wrote these faux Judas Priest tunes but they sure as shit doesn’t sound like Judas Priest. In fact, they make Firehouse sound like Cannibal Corpse. Halfway through the show, Timmy O starts to go off script again. He starts to go “needley needley NEEE” when he’s supposed to go “dun dun dun DAHHH!” Chris is livid. He pulls Tim aside for a long conversation about the importance of honoring the music of Steel Dragon in THE MIDDLE OF THE SONG! You ever been onstage while a band is playing? You can’t hear fuck all up there! Tim is like “whatever dude” and keeps finger tapping away. Chris is so pissed he unplugs Tim’s amp….which is NOT GOOD FOR YOUR AMP! Tim simply turns it back on and continues to play but now Chris, hothead that he is, grabs his mic stand and destroys the friggin amp! Dude, amplifiers are expensive! They immediately start beating the shit out of each other right in front of all of those thousands of fans. Show: over.
Chris and Emily show up to practice the next day all nonchalant like dude didn’t just annihilate a $5000 Mesa Boogie MK II for no good reason. Unfortunately, the band already has another dude singing. I’m directing that “unfortunately” toward the band because the dude they have singing is Third Eye Blind frontman Stephen Jenkins...and that dude is a Diiiiiiick! Legendarily unpleasant, that guy! Chris is all “time for this chump to leave...I’m the singer” but Tim says “bro, the only one leaving is YOU!” He tells Chris that the fellas are tired of playing in a cover band. Chris tells him to hush up his mouth...that they aren’t merely a cover band--they’re a TRIBUTE band! “I don’t just cover Bobby Beers...I AM Bobby Bears!” Tim says that the band wants to start writing original material but Chris scoffs and says “pssh, originals suck!” I mean, not always. See--The Beatles. And also--lots of other bands. Chris is like “fine fuck you then...but I’m taking MY mic stand and MY mic cables” and the other dudes are like “shiver.” Chris storms out but Tim is like “Yo Rachel--you wanna manage us?” and she said “sorry but all of the talent just left the room.” SNAP! So Chris is out and the other guys start writing songs and eventually morph into a little band called Nirvana! Not really, though.
Chris is a man without a country for like three minutes ‘cuz the very next morning he receives a call from Steel Dragon’s guitarist Kirk, inviting him to come to LA to audition for, you know, Steel Dragon. (I see that I unintentionally wrote “Steel Panther” in my notes a bunch. Isn’t that another famous cover band? Ahh, who gives a toss). This cat Kirk is sitting by a swimming pool, stroking his mane….bikini-clad groupie on each side of him. I have to say--I’ve watched countless hours of music interviews and documentaries in my lifetime and the only English rock stars I have seen who speak like the ones in this film are the ones in Spinal Tap. The word “caricature” doesn’t even do it justice. These geezers are all “alright then, luv--a bit of the old rumpy pumpy, then?” So Chris and Emily fly to LA (with David Lee Roth’s California Girls pumping on the soundtrack, natch) where they are picked in a limo by this statuesque, cokey brunette named Tania who does….what, exactly, I’m not sure. She tells Emily that she loves her tits. Ice: broken. They’re chauffeured to the type of mega mansion/recording studio that no actual band actually resides in. When Chris arrives, Kirk explains that Bobby quit the band and they’re auditioning singers and they received a tape of Blood Pollution from some groupies and OH SHIT...Bobby is there at the house! Holy awkward, Batgirl! He clomps around complaining about how he’s a sober professional who goes to bed at 11 on the dot every night and everyone else is getting lit up like a Xmas tree every night. Then he removes his wig, revealing that he had short hair all along! Oh, he also reveals that he’s gay...I guess...because Rob Halford is gay? I don’t know--they try to bend it like he’s quitting the band because of his sexuality...which is untrue. One of the other members says “it’s none of our business who you bugger, mate!” It’s at this point that I realize that the non-British Steel Dragon guitarist is longtime Ozzy sideman Zakk Wylde! Oh Shit! I’m sure he was just stoked to be in this movie. You could try to up this movie’s fun factor by taking a shot every time Zakk Wylde has a line (of dialogue). It’s cool--he only has like four lines so you’d probably still be OK to drive...after about six hours.
Chris passes the audition and the band calls an emergency press conference to announce their new singer. An MTV veejay asks Chris, who has decided to rechristen himself IZZY, if he can scream balls and he proceeds to unleash a sickening howl that goes on for, like, 30 full seconds. Seriously, I’ve heard animals die with more harmony. The interviewer asks Chris where he learned to belt like that and he’s all “umm...mostly in church choi…” but Dale cuts him off and says “ummm...what he meant to say was he got that voice from eating pussy!” Ehhh….Erm...are you supposed to scream whilst cunnilinging?? I knew I should’ve paid attention in 7th grade health class! Chris’s dad, watching the interview at home, hears this and turns to his wife and says “hey! Like father, like son!” I immediately barf all over myself.
Steel Dragon take their new hire right out on the road. We know this because there’s “preparing the arena for a tour” montage that was stolen wholesale from that MTV Pop Goes the Music commercial (Before the stage is set…before one lick of a guitar is played…before the crowd roars…!). When the house lights go down for the first gig, Chris comes bounding out on stage and falls right down the fuckin’ stairs. Steel Dragon have much steeper stairs on their set than Chris’s cover band did. Steel Dragon’s stairs go to 11. Dude struggles to his feet but the crowd boos and throws cups of warm piss and holds up signs that say “Bring Back Bobby!” Chrisizzy simply runs to the side of the stage, grabs a live fire hose, places it between his legs like a massive hose cock, and drowns the entire audience. And this crowd? They just lick it up….lick it up….OHHH...ohhh...OHHH!! Yeah, I realize that’s a KISS song but they used it in that montage I just mentioned. Now that he has the crowd eating out of his sweaty palms, he struts out his little Steven Tyler ego runway and explains that he was just a nobody until about a minute and a half ago...and “if you want it, dreams really do come true!” I’d probably roll the credits right here but I guess it has only been like 50 minutes so...on we go!
We head backstage after the gig, where shit is going OFF! It’s every cliche you’ve ever heard, seen, or read about...all under one roof! Throngs of people throw their bodies against a bouncer, who struggles keeps them at bay outside of a chain link fence. In the inner sanctum, people help themselves to pill and powder refreshments. Chris is “forced” to retrieve a shot glass of tequila from the bare cleavage of a groupie as some sort of boneheaded band initiation ritual. Here I should mention that my friends and I went backstage at a Radiohead concert 10 years ago and experienced the following: Thom Yorke sipped coconut water while discussing politics with the former sax player from the band Morphine. Bassist Colin Greenwood asked us if we’d like to commandeer his ipod and offered to fetch us a second round of beers. Drummer Phil Selway told us it was lovely to meet us and said that he thought they’d played a lovely show and that they always enjoyed playing at that particular venue, which he called, you guessed it, LOVELY! Later, we fed an octopus a bunch of ecstasy and cranked Basement Jaxx and let that motherfucker RIP! Anyway, Chris and Emily leave the venue and head to some nightclub for the after after party (did I mention he brought his girlfriend on the tour? Well, he did. Does she not have a job??). When Chris walks into the club people start to faint and shit. That gal Tania is like “yo, everyone here want to fuck you!” I mean...seriously!? After one gig this dude is catching panties like Tom Jones at the Flamingo?? Tania wants to set up a threefer with Chris and Emily and, you know, Emily seems into it. I know I was dunking on Jennifer Aniston earlier for the fact that she’s Jennifer Aniston...but she totally throws down here. I’d probably hire her to front Steel Dragon before I hired Mark Wahlberg. They all get out on the dancefloor and Aniston is making out with Tania and also Wahlberg...like...a lot. Like...disgustingly. Like...easy with the tongue there, Diggler. She’s probably thinking “wow, good thing I don’t have to make out with Brad Pitt, who is ALREADY MY REAL HUSBAND! UGH!” The next morning, Emily wakes up in bed with two people, neither of which are anyone I recognize as having been in this movie prior to this scene. She looks around the hotel suite and it’s just a bacchanal of boobs and butts. She can barely locate Chris through the thick coital chemtrails. She heads for the bathroom, where she finds Tania taking a leak….STANDING UP! Wait, so is Tania a dude or just a gal who enjoys peeing while standing up!? Honestly, if I knew the answer I’d totally tell you! She’s rarely seen or spoken of again.
After another two...two and a half minutes of tour montage, Emily decides that she’s already burnt out. Hey, you know what they say about the road: it ain’t no place to start a family! It probably didn’t help that they made her travel in the band aid limo...and that all of the women in this film who are not Jennifer Aniston are greasy groupies. She tells Chris that she just got a loan and that she’s moving to Seattle to start her own business. How she accomplished all of this from the back of a limousine in the year 1985 we do not know. Chris is like fine...cool...whatever...see you when the tour rolls into Puget Sound. Chris immediately returns to his job burning through every rock n’ roll cliche in the book. Does anyone watching Rock Star at home have “throws television from hotel window” and “drives motorcycle through a Ramada Inn” on their rock n’ roll bingo cards? Well mark ‘em off ‘cuz they’re both here! By the time the Steel Dragon party hits Seattle, our boy Chris/Izzy is fucking mangled! Emily tries to ride the elevator up to Chris’s suite but one of the bouncer’s is like “you gotta have a pussy pass if ya wanna party with the Dragon.” Yikes, dudes. Yikes. When she finally gets a hold of Chris, she’s dismayed to discover that he’s on everything but roller skates. She’s like “dude, we were supposed to hang out when you came to Seattle, remember?” and Chris is all like “whassisss Sssseaatttlle??? Lessss GO to there!” and she’s like “we’re already in Seattle, dickhead. See you NEVER!” While they’re in the middle of this super serious conversation, one of the groupies taps Emily on the shoulder and says “look, do you mind if I fuck him real quick? I gotta get to work.” I do not laugh.
With Emily out of the picture, Chris turns all sullen and prickish. When he isn’t on tour he spends his days listlessly tooling around the Hollywood Hills in his $100k sports car, wearing shades and a perma-scowl, occasionally stopping to dispassionately sign autographs and boobies for the fans camped outside of his mansion. He also gets the brilliant idea that he should start writing his own original music, even though he dismissed the idea way back at the beginning of the movie. He shows up to the Steel Dragon mansion/studio with a knapsack full of dope lyrics and chord progressions but the rest of the Dragon dudes are all “bah hah hah not so fast there Lenny Cohen!” Kirk says they need to stick to their formula or they’ll run the risk of turning into Ratt (good call. Brew pubs, dude). I see that I wrote “Zakk Wylde goes hunting” in my notes. I have no idea what that’s about but I don’t doubt its accuracy. That cat looks like he hunts. I also notice that the drummer of Steel Dragon is totally Led Zeppelin drummer John Bonham’sssssss son Jason. So there’s that. Anyway, they decide to start recording their new album right then and there. You mean Chris is gonna record his vocals in the middle of a giant living room with high ceilings and marble floors!? I call major bullshit! They pull up the track and Chris starts to RAP! They’re like “what the fuck are you doing, mate??” and Chris is like “ummm...this song sounds a little stock to my ears...I’m just trying to do something unique with it.” For me, this scene dredges up memories of Mary Mark’s Boston-centric cover of Lou Reed’s Walk on the Wild Side (“Charles killed Carol...collect a big check/blame it on a black man...WHAT THE HECK!?). That’s the shit nightmares are made of right there, y’all. Needless to say, they are not interested in having this kid rap on their album. He’s all butthurt about it too. So much so that he decides he will QUIT THE BAND! In the middle of the next gig, Chris hears a kid in the front row screaming along with the tunes JUST like HE used to do way back in the day 6 months ago! Chris pulls the kid onstage and is all “you want to be the lead singer of this band now? Have at it, homie!” The other dudes barely even seem to notice that Chris is gone so what the fuck anyway, right? In a bizarre twist, the kid who replaces Chris in Steel Dragon is Myles Kennedy, who replaced Scott Stapp in Creed (I believe they called themselves Alter Bridge tho) and also replaced Axl Rose when Gn’R played the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame and also replaced Paul Westerberg in The Replacements. Well, not really that last part...thank god.
So after riding the Dragon for just over a year, Chris decides that working at Copy Cop is just as good as playing to tens of thousands of fans...blowing rails for breakfast, lunch and dinner and waking up in a puddle of orgy in a different city every morning. It’s a completely abrupt, nonsensical turn of events and not AT ALL like what went down in real life. Ripper Owens was in Judas Priest for almost seven years and left when Rob Halford decided to return. That makes sense. This? Doesn’t! Maybe this is why the Priest was like “ehh...maybe don’t use any of our music or our name or anything else about us in your crap ass movie.” After he leaves the livin’, Chris moves to Seattle and shaves off his locks and starts wearing Docs and baggy flannels and a puka shell necklace. One day, he runs into his old buddy Timothy Olyphnat who, as luck would have it, has also cut his hair and given himself Seattle circa-1992 makeover. Wait, isn’t it still 1985 though?? Tim-O says that grunge is the wave of the future, maaaan, and Chris wholeheartedly agrees. Ten seconds later they’ve got themselves a coffee house circuit-ready alt rock band. Aggro, but with acoustic guitars and a cello player. One afternoon their new band is onstage at a cafe playing some hyper generic tune that sounds an awful lot like The Verve Pipe because it is The Verve Pipe. When Chris notices that Emily has entered the cafe, he leaps off the stage and tells the band to just vamp it up without him for a bit. Bro, this is some shitty two-chord song, not “Whipping Post!” He asks if she’s still single. Even though it has been somewhere between 8 months and 8 years since they’ve seen each other, and she is Jennifer Aniston, she is still single. They suck face aggressively. The movie ends. OH WAIT! This is one of those flicks with a gag real that plays over the credits. And tucked away way back here, we find the best part of the movie...and it’s this: Wahlberg is onstage, preparing to film some Steel Dragon concert sequences. Someone calls action but, instead of Steel Dragon tunes, they start cranking “Good Vibrations” by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. Ohhh, baby Wahlburgers got CLOWNED!! And he looks PISSED, too! Show us your Calvin’s, Marky Mark!! Anyway, I’m gonna go throw British Steel on the turntable and try to forget this movie ever happened. And I’m gone….I’m gone...