August 30, 2019
When I’m digging around for material for a VHS of the Week there’s a particular well that never seems to go dry. And that well, my friends, is the summer of 1991. Almost every film released that summer was a stone cold classic....and by “stone cold” I am naturally referring to former Seattle Seahawks linebacker Brian “The Boz” Bosworth’s film debut Stone Cold. Seriously though...we’re talking Point Break...we’re talking Naked Gun 2 & 1/2...Terminator 2! Shit...even Pure Luck with Mary Short and Danny Glover came out in ’91. Different killer hit movie every week. Over on the FM radio, though, there was one tune that held down the #1 spot for the entire summer. As much as I’d like to tell you that #1 song was “Monkey Business” by Skid Row the truth of the matter is that anyone who went anywhere music was played in the summer of ’91 could not possibly avoid hearing (Everything I Do) I Do it For You by Bryan Adams. That shit was omnipresent...like...all the world over. It’s one of the most successful singles of ALL TIME! Of course, this tune was written for Kevin Costner’s highly-ish anticipated summer blockbuster Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves...and if you watch the movie and take a shot every time a character utters a line that is also lyric from the Bryan Adams song...you’ll wind up taking at LEAST three shots! I went to see Robin Hood the day it opened and immediately declared it to be the best movie ever made. I then exited the theater and completely forgot about it and did not watch it again for another 28 years...which usually means that my initial rave review was the result of my tender age and that the movie actually sucks. I decided to check it out again this week for the first time in a hot minute and here’s what happens: The movie opens in Jerusalem in 1184 A.D. I’m pretty terrible at math but that strikes me as a super duper long time ago. The opening text says we’re in the middle of the Crusades. Whenever “The Crusades” is the category for Final Jeopardy I simply shut the TV off and leave the room as I am positive that I will not know the answer (Unless it’s “what 1991 summer blockbuster opens during the Crusades”). I totally napped on that era of world history...but it looks like some gnarly business. The Jerusalem-ers have got dudes chained up in a cave and they are haphazardly chopping off hands and heads. We see our boy Costner is chained up as well...but at least he’s got a killer heavy metal long hair/beard combo going. I bet he had mad people coming up to him at the bar to ask if he was famed metal guitarist Zak Wyldd on days off from shooting. So shit’s about to go from bad to worse but, as luck would have it, one of Costner’s fellow prisoner’s is Academy Award winner and man whose sexual harassment accusations bounced right off of him Morgan Freeman (I don’t know, folks...I think people just really really really love The Shawshank Redemption). Freeman says he knows a way out: bust up the room and kill all the bad guys. Why no one thought of this before we do not know. Before they can vamanos Costner’s mortally wounded buddy asks him if he’ll carry his special amulet back to his sister Marian. Costner’s all “ahh...maybe. You got a picture?” I kid...I kid. Meanwhile back in the English countryside or wherever Pops Costner is sitting around in his baller castle wondering if his son is ever gonna come home from the Crusades. I mean...it’s 1184...you can’t just send a motherfucker a text (Dad: U stl n JRSLM???). You just had to not know! One of his servants comes to him and says “don’t go out tonight...there’s an evil moon.” Man, if anyone said that to me I would stay my ass home! He does not. He goes outside to find about 50 bad guys on horseback surrounding the castle...and it don’t look they came by to invite him out to watch Love Actually. Speaking of Love Actually...the ringleader of the bad guys is none other than sadly departed uber villain actor Alan Rickman. Hans Gruber, y’all (or Snape for you younger folks). Rickman is the evil Sheriff of Nottingham. I mean...I guess he’s evil. Rickman is almost always evil...and you don’t just bum rush a castle unless you got something nefarious on the brain. He tells Pops Costner to join him or die. Pops Costner politely declines and offers to fight all 50 men. He loses. Badly. Four months later we see Costner and Freeman finally come ashore along the white cliffs of Dover after a long ass journey in a tiny ass rowboat. I’ll tell you what, though--they must’ve rowed up to a Super Cuts at some point ‘cuz Costner is freshly shorn! Got himself a finely coiffed mullet along with a couple of Hermes scarfs and the leather jacket George Michael wore on the cover of that Wham! album. Freeman and Costner engage in some chit chat about their next move. I guess Freeman was looking for his princess or what have you but she’s gone so he’s basically gonna follow Costner. Costner’s like “that’s cool...my dad will have a charcuterie board waiting for us at his castle.” Here I need to take care of some business real quick: I know I’m not the first person to mention this...but Kevin Costner’s acting in this movie is fucking beyond terrible. Like...everyone else in the movie has an accent but this cat can’t even be bothered to try. This is particularly problematic as the dialogue was clearly written to be delivered by someone with an accent. And I’m not sayin’ the ‘Cos can’t act...because he can. In fact, he was possibly the most successful movie star on the planet in 1991. He went into Robin Hood having just won a grillion Oscars for Dances with Wolves the previous year. He also had Oliver Stone’s JFK due out in the later the year (where he acts up a storm, if you ask me). He was at that rare point in one’s career where he could pretty much do whatever the frig he wanted. I’m imagining a scenario where Robin Hood director Kevin Reynolds comes to Costner and asks him if he can maybe try to deliver his lines with a little more, you know, pizazz or something? (Costner removes Best Director Oscar from a satchel...calmly begins polishing it...asks the Reynolds to repeat himself...walks away before he can answer). So there’s that. Costner and Freeman light out for the Castle Costner but they’re intercepted by gravel-voiced Crow actor and Oliver Stone mainstay Michael Wincott. Costner tells Wincott and his evil henchmen that they are trespassing on his land. Wincott’s asks him to explain hisself. Costner says he’s Robin Hood! Wincott is all “bah hah hah where are your green tights then, homie?” He doesn’t ask that...but he probably should. Wincott, and others in the film, are constantly making reference to Robin Hood’s youth...which is also weird ‘cuz the ‘Cos is 36 years old and looks about 46. Wincott says he’s the Sheriff of Nottingham’s cousin but it don’t matter to the RH. He archers 12 of his men to death and heads the hell home....where he finds his castle burned and pillaged. He and Freeman come across and hanging, charred corpse and Robin Hood busts out crying. “Who is that” Freeman asks? Dude, come onnn! It’s clearly his old man! Robin Hood says he won’t rest until his father’s death is avenged. He even cuts himself and dribbles his own blood everywhere just to show how much business he means. Back at the evil Sheriff of Nottingham’s evil castle Snape heads down to the basement to speak to his live-in, locked-in basement dwelling soothsayer and lady who looks like the gross landlady from Kingpin...but who is not actually that lady. The Sheriff asks the soothsayer if Robin Hood and his painted friend (eee...yeah...lots of iffy talk in this flick) mean trouble. The soothsayer whips some snakes around the room, mumbles some mumbo jumbo, and tell his that yes, in fact, Robin Hood will probably end up killing him. I’d prolly board the Concorde to NYC with the quickness...but the evil Sheriff wants to stay and evil Sheriff it up. Before Robin Hood can embark on his Tour of Vengeance ’94 he’s gotta drop by Marian’s spot to see if she ain’t home so he can return that amulet thingy. Marian appears at the top of the stairs and she’s somehow like 55 years-old and rotund and Robin Hood is super bummed. He’s like “I’ll just leave the amulet in the mailbox then”...but before he can go he’s attacked by a fencer in a Darth Vader mask. They parry around and Robin Hood shoves Darth Vader’s hand in the fire and pulls off the mask and HOLY SMOKES it’s the real Maid Marian! And she’s young and pretty because of course she is. She’s played by the actress Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio...who would never have a career in the attention span challenged year of 2019 with a long ass name like that. She’d have to go by M Liz Tones or some shit. Marian tells RH that she’s been trying to stave off the evil Sheriff until King Whomever can return from Wherever and set shit straight. RH is all “that’s cool...wanna go grab a flagon of mead or something?” Marian says that he’s a spoiled rich dickhead who used to pull her hair when they were kids...so...she’s all set. No interest at all, capisce? RH slaps her on the ass and steals her horse and hoofs it out to Sherwood Forrest. There, he and Freeman encounter a band of merry forrest dwellers who all sound kinda like Liam Gallagher from Oasis. Except for noted muncher of police officers Christian Slater...who also cannot be bothered to attempt an accent. They tell Robin Hood that he can’t roll with their crew unless he battles their head honcho John Little on the river with sticks (not to be confused with the river of styx...which is something else entirely). Robin Hood gets kicked in the nuts and tossed off a 50 foot water fall...but he somehow crawls back up to deliver John Little an ass whupping. So now they are all best buds and whatnot. Except Slater...who is totally not digging the ‘Hood. Dude heads back to town to take in Sunday mass and to suss out just how much trouble he’s in. Turns out: 100 pieces of gold on his head. Big bux in ’94. While he’s chatting with the local priest he comes face to face with the Sheriff. RH pulls out a blade and gashes up Snape’s cheek something awful! He’s gotta do some serious swashbuckling to get out of that church alive. Luckily that’s what Robin Hood is known for: buckling swash. Back in the forrest he tells his fellow rabble rousers that they need to stop rousing rabble and learn how to fight so they can take down the Sheriff. They shout “but what are we gonna eat!?” Umm...I mean....haven’t they already been living in the forrest for a long ass time?? Slater wants to turn him in for that sick gold coin collection...but the other rousers won’t have it. They want to learn archery and whatnot. Cut to: entire village of village people become ace marksmen/women in a tidy 3 minute montage. The Sheriff is deeply vexed by this turn of events. We know this because he says so. He cancels merciful beheadings AND Christmas. He also stabs Michael Wincott to death. His own cousin! Ice cold, bro. Here’s an idea: they know these folks are living in the forrest. Why not just GO TO THE FORREST and kill them. Maybe these dudes saw Blair With Projects too many times and are afraid of the woods. I know I am! Marian heads out to Sherwood to try to convince Robin Hood to cool it with this rivalry business. She just so happens to arrive at the same time Robin Hood is taking a swim in the buff. She sees his bare ass and...like...almost fucking FAINTS! It’s almost too ridiculous for words. And look...it’s a well established fact that Costner’s got a finely etched rump...but seriously!? With this brief flash of bareassedness Marian is instantly turned into a drooling fangirl. He invites her to stay for dinner and they all party down together and she starts blowing in his ear and shit. Morgan Freeman disappears for a good chunk of the movie...probably to film his scenes for Clint Eastwood’s Unforgiven. Meanwhile the sheriff goes to see his basement soothsayer for some much needed 411. She spits blood into a hot cast iron (which is way gross, btw) and tells the Sheriff he needs to summon the Celts from the north and burn Sherwood Forrest to the ground. They all come riding down from the north blasting Thin Lizzy and shooting flaming arrows at Robin Hood’s little shantytown. That joint is TOAST! Marian and Slater are kidnapped...all of the village’s children are kidnapped...Robin Hood is presumed dead for about 2 minutes but totally comes back to life with nothing worse than a split lip. Slater offers to double cross Robin Hood...which seems like an extremely obvious turn of events to me. You know who else thinks that’s an obvious turn of events? The people in the movie. When he returns to Sherwood Forrest Little John immediately beats the living shit out of him. They’re prolly fixing to kill him because he’s a no good wife-beating cop-eating traitor...but then he pulls out the big guns! (Not actual guns, mind you: this is 1184). Slater tells Robin Hood that he’s his BROTHER (from another mother). How does this change their dynamic? Not much at all. They hug and kiss and that’s that. So now the bruised but unbowed gang has gotta gang up and storm the Sheriff’s castle and rescue their loved ones and OH MY GOD HOW LONG IS THIS MOVIE!???? Two and a half hours long is how long...and it feels longer than that goddamn Fanny and Alexander. The Sheriff orders all the children to be hung in the town square...and mad people show up ‘cuz everyone loves a good ‘angin. Robin Hood and his crew plan to rescue their loved ones because what kind of friggin’ movie would this be if they let those kiddos swing?? So there’s the obligatory climactic battle sequence and it goes on FOR...EVER!!! Once the Sheriff realizes he’s boxed in he decides he can save himself by procreating with Marian...so he has the priest marry them on the quick and then tries to rape her. It is a most unwelcome turn of events and disturbing as shit. I hope you’re enjoying your PG-13 summer popcorn flick, kids! It’s cool though...Robin Hood rescues her and kills the Sheriff. Actually all of the good guys live and all of the bad guys die. I mean....Morgan Freeman takes a sword through the midsection but they pour a ton of bactine on that shit and he’s right as rain. The movie (fFINALLY) ends with Robin and Marian’s wedding. They get a surprise visit from the returning king...who is totally SEAN CONNERY!!! I completely forgot about that! I smile for the first time in two and a half hours. The credits roll...and I’m surprised we didn’t get to here the Bryan Adams song an....WAIT...we fade back in to the ACTUAL VIDEO for “(Everything I Do) I Do it For You”! There’s our non-threatening Canadian balladeer buddy Bryan Adams and his band running through the tune in the middle of the forrest (with nary an amplifier in sight). I think maybe they were hoping people would be so jazzed after hearing the song and watching the video they’d forget how generally lousy the movie they just watched was. I know I did. Good luck getting that song out of your head before the year 2047. The end.