*originally posted june 29, 2018
When people ask me what the first movie I remember seeing is I always tell them that it’s Risky Business. This is maybe not entirely true--I definitely saw something called The Smurfs and the Magic Flute (at least that’s what I think it was called. I’m way too lazy to look it up right now) in the theater when I was about four years old. Risky Business, then, was most definitely the second movie I saw. Very different films, these two. At least I think they are. I haven’t seen the Smurf one since 1982 but I’m guessing there aren’t any prostitutes in it. My parents, who were only in their early 20’s at the time, probably figured that I was so young that I wouldn’t have any idea what was going on in said film. And I didn’t. But I knew that I LIKED it! (And imagine my reaction, years later, when I realized what was actually going on: “wait a minute...these girls are HOOKERS!?)I still think it’s a beautiful, dream-like film...mostly due to Tangerine Dream’s haunting score. It definitely stands far apart from the other teen sex comedies of the era (sorry Porky’s). The plot is simple. Tom Cruise plays the Joel Goodson....a, um, good son whose rich white parents leave him alone in his rich white people house for the week. He dances around in his skivvies to one of the worst songs ever written and rumors about his sexuality begin in earnest. He quickly decides that this won’t do the trick so he lets his buddies Balky Bartokomous and Booger from Revenge of the Nerds talk him into ordering a prostitute. He does. It is Rebecca DeMornay. They ball. It is awesome. Things quickly take a turn for the less awesome when she steals his mom’s fancy faberge egg. He also dumps his dad’s silver Porsche into Lake Michigan. Years later I would also crash my dad’s silver Porsche...possibly a result of having watched this movie too many times growing up...although no hookers were involved in my crash. The only way he can afford to fix the car and get his mom’s shit back from DeMornay’s overbearing pimp and dude who killed Tony Soprano’s horse is to turn his house into a brothel. This plan works like a charm...so Cruise and DeMornay go ball on the L train while Phil Collins’ “In the Air Tonight” plays in the background. It is super awesome. In the end Joel Goodson gets into Princeton but later becomes a scientologist and loses his ever loving shit on a talk show and the hooker runs off with the singer Leonard Cohen. There are a few more memories associated with this film I’d like to share:
-It’s definitely where I learned how to swear. The day after I saw it I went out to recess at my catholic school....put on a pair of Ray Bans...and said “sometimes you gotta say ‘what the fuck’. Some little prick immediately went and told the nuns and I lost recess privileges for a week.
-My grandfather came over to babysit for me and told him I wanted to watch Risky Business. We got about 5 minutes in....where Tom Cruise is dreaming about showering with a naked woman. My grandfather got up....shut the TV off...called my mother at work....exchanged harsh words...and I was made to watch one of those Herbie the Love Bug movies.
-I got a Pound Puppy for Xmas that year and it came with a name I didn’t like. My Grandmother told me I could pick my own name. I said “how about Guido the Killer Pimp?” She said I should pick something shorter.
-One day our first grade teacher went around the classroom and asked every student what the latest movie we had seen was. Literally every single kid said Splash. It was like the entire first grade got together to watch Splash and didn’t invite me. When my turn came, I said Risky Business. The nun scoffed and said “well, I don’t think Jesus would appreciate you watching that kind of movie.” I said “And what? Jesus WOULD appreciate a movie where Tom Hanks has sex with a FISH?” Actually I didn’t say that at all...but I totally should have…