Here’s the deal: the whole point of VHS of the Week (as much as there is a “point” to this pointlessness) is to bust on movies that aren’t any good...or movies that are supposed to be good...but are not. That’s what I do: I bust. And all this bustin’? It makes me feel good. Still, I get lots of requests to write about movies that don’t really meet that criteria for VHSOTW because they’re beyond reproach. Like, what the frig am I gonna say about Goodfellas!? It’s good--The End. There’s your review. (Also--I’m not sure how many times I have used the word “good” in this article so far but it’s probably way too many. I gotta knock that shit off pronto). I have had a handful of requests (actual number of requests: one) for the 1985 comedy Real Genius so I decided to check it out again...even though it is...as I suspected...a pretty goddamn solid flick. Back when it came out I must’ve watched it a million trillion times but I probably hadn’t seen it in about 30 years. I popped said flick it into the old VCR and was immediately struck by the fact that I had completely misremembered almost everything about this entire movie. I know this is a pretty common occurrence when revisiting your favorite films from childhood. Like...I know I was too young to comprehend anything that went on in Risky Business when I saw it as a child...but I knew I LIKED it! Because of Tangerine Dream’s score, of course. With Real Genius, though, literally everything about this movie went way over my little cowlicked head. Seriously, if you had asked me to describe the plot of this movie to you before I just rewatched it I would have had a one word answer. And that word is “popcorn.” It probably doesn’t help that the movie has a science-y plot line and I continue to respond to any and all science-related material with the same stunned, open-mouth gaze you might find on a five year-old who has just walked in on his parents having sex. But I continued to watch Real Genius over and over again anyway. Probably because of the popcorn. More on that later though.
What happens is this: The film opens with a clandestine meeting between some rouge CIA ghouls who are trying to develop a high-powered laser that can vaporize enemies from outer space. There’s some grumbling and mumbling: Isn’t this illegal? Shouldn’t we tell the president? One man says he can’t be involved in these unethical shenanigans and intends to resign and promptly leaves the room. The remaining men say they will simply have that man...who is black...killed. There will now only be white people in this film from here on out! In order to build said murder laser the CIA have chosen the route that will yield maximum comedic results: they have decided to outsource to gig to a corrupt college professor and his merry band of misfit genius engineering students! That professor, Jerry Hathaway, is played by Billy Atherton, a man who will live in infamy for portraying smug prick EPA investigator Walter Peck in Ghostbusters as well as smug prick TV Reporter Richard Thornburg in Die Hard’s 1 and 2. His character here is basically those two characters combined under a different name. According to the interwebs Atherton has enjoyed a 5 decade career on both stage and screen...but it’s also true that...yes...this man has no dick. Every time I see this dude I just want Bonnie Bedelia to materialize and smash him right in the grill.
Professor Hathaway has got to get this death ray put together with the quickness so he goes trolling on the high school science fair circuit where he meets a 15 year-old uber genius named Mitch. Mitch is played by Gabe Jarret, an actor who went on to front The Unknown, a band that Wikipedia describes as having found “little success”. (“The shitty Beatles? Any good? They Suck! Then it’s not just a clever name!”--Wayne’s World). I’m not sure how real life protocols work and whatnot but in the world of this film the Prof offers to skip Mitch right into college on the SPOT. Like, pack ya shit and hop in my truck. His folks are down...he’s down...so we have us a ballgame!
Mitch arrives at the California Technical Institute of Whatever Whatever and learns that he’s going to be paired up with resident smart ass senior Chris Knight, played with overbearing overbearingness by method actor extraordinaire and world’s third worst Batman Val Kilmer. And look...I hate to dunk on a guy who has had some serious health setbacks...but Val Kilmer can be insufferable. He apparently took what they wrote for his character and dialed in up to eleven...billion! It’s like...maybe switch to Sanka, bro. He also looks like he’s at least 26 years-old...and the reason for this is that Val Kilmer was 26 when he made this movie. Here I should note that Val Kilmer once described his longtime residence of Taos, New Mexico as “the land where God created oxygen.” I visited Taos in 2009 and asked every local I met if they had A--Ever met Val Kilmer and B--Realized they were living in the town where god created oxygen. No one would answer either of my questions...but I did get to try green chile beer for the first time...which was just ok.
ANYWAY...so Mitch is in college and he’s getting bullied ‘cuz he’s 15 and kinda funny lookin’. He’s also got a dude living in his closet who looks like the comedian Steven Wright but who is totally NOT the comedian Steven Wright. Professor Hathaway, though, has full confidence in Mitch and puts him in charge of the laser project, which earns him an enemy in this gangly, braces-wearing grad student named Kent. Kent is played by an actor named Robert Prescott, who has little else on his acting resume but who totally kills here (actually, he was in Michael Clayton and Burn After Reading...so hooray for him!). Mitch has it pretty good otherwise. This being a science college for science geniuses, people are always pulling neat-o tricks....like covering the common areas of the dormitory in ice. Now that shit looks FUN! Someone covered my dorm in circus peanuts one night but it was kinda ho hum. He also meets a student named Jordan, played by poor ladies Phoebe Cates Michelle Meyrink, who seems sweet on him. I think she is, anyway. It’s hard to tell because she is completely SPUN on adderall...or whatever cheap trucker’s speed the college kids were doing back in the 80’s.
The CIA bad guys are growing impatient with Professor Hathaway and tell him he has like 5 days to complete his death laser OR ELSE! The Prof calls Val Kilmer to his new mini mansion and tells him he’d better complete the death laser in 5 days...OR ELSE! It is also established in this scene that the professor has a particular aversion to popcorn. It might just be me....but I feel like this is going to come up again later on in the movie. Val Kilmer listens to what the professor has to say and proceeds to do the exact opposite. He convinces Mitch to abandon his studies and head to something called “Tanning Invitational”. Basically, they have built a makeshift waterpark inside of one of the classrooms and have invited the ladies from the local beauty school to dance to Bryan Adams in their bikinis. Had I known they taught you how to build indoor waterslides in science college I would’ve never pursued that useless liberal arts degree! Kent, that evil douche, runs to Hathaway to tattle. Dude comes down to bust up the party and gives Mitch a thorough dressing down in front of all of his fellow students. Like...he’s only mad at Mitch!?? What about the fact that there are waterslides where there is supposed to be higher learning!?
Mitch is wicked upset and calls his folks to tell them he wants to come home. That’s reasonable...the kid is 15. A child! But that Kent, the rat fuck, records the phone call and plays it over the loudspeaker in the cafeteria the next day. Even though there’s thousands of kids at the school they all know it’s Mitch and point and laugh. Now the kid REALLY wants to go the hell home. Val Kilmer, stabilizing force that he is, tries to talk Mitch down. They crawl into the closet to find closet man, who lives in a fully tricked out bunker complete with his own mini roller coaster! It’s like the crawlspace from The Breakfast Club but the size of an Ikea and with rides. Kilmer explains that the dude in the bunker is Lazlo, the hot shit student whiz from the 70’s who cracked under pressure and went “underground”. How the administrators at this college...an engineering college no less...do not know that there’s a massive subterranean living space in the dormitory walls is beyond me. Kilmer tells Mitch that if he takes his studies too seriously he’s gonna end up in the walls like Lazlo. That’s all well and good but there’s that secret military deadline encroaching. Hathaway is feeling the heat something awful so he decides to cut Kilmer loose since he can’t stop cracking wise. Kilmer explains that he can still graduate without making the laser. Hathaway says he’ll make sure that doesn’t happen. Man, dictatorial rouge professors are the absolute worst!
Instead of packing up shop Kilmer just keeps showing up to class like nothing ever went down. There’s a “making the laser” montage...and Mitch gets revenge on Kent by disassembling his car and reassembling it inside of his dorm room. I’m not sure how many 80’s comedies the “car in the dorm room” trick happens in...but I’m gonna say at LEAST 3. One night Mitch returns to his room and there’s a woman inside who introduces herself as Sherry Nugil and explains that she’s been waiting to have sex with Mitch and would like to do so now as he is “old enough”. Ok...first off...the kid is 15. Second off....WHOOOO is this person???? You can’t just drop a new character into the third quarter of a movie. Like...HUH?? Mitch says he’s not interested as he realizes that he is probably in love with the speed freak Jordan. He finds her and tells her as much and they ball. So there’s that.
Anyway...Val Kilmer discovers that he can make this death laser happen by introducing liquid nitrogen (I think?). They shoot a beam that cuts through everything within a 10 mile radius. They head to a bar called Purgatory to celebrate but here comes buzz killington Lazlo out of the basement to tell everyone that the laser is probably going to be used to murder people from outer space. Why none of these geniuses thought of this before we do not know...but heads are super bummed. They head back to school to find that Professor Hathaway has already turned the death ray over to the CIA. In order to track down the professor Mitch and Co pump noxious gas into Kent’s dorm room and then implant a tiny speaker into his braces. When Kent wakes up, Mitch distorts his voice and tells him he’s Jesus...and Kent...dumb motherfucker that he is...believes him. He asks Kent to lead them to the professor...which he does. They also tell Kent that he should stop playing with himself. 7 year-old me, watching at home, totally cracks up at this...and also...has questions.
Right...Mitch and Val Kilmer sneak onto the military base where the laser is being prepared for its maiden test run. They fudge it up somehow and the head off to Professor Hathaway’s house, where they are met by the president of the college and some rando senator who has totally new to the movie. In the last 5 minutes?? Come on, people! Kent is lead into the professor’s house by fake Jesus...where he finds the world’s most gigantic container of Jiffy Pop. You know, that shit that you have to literally burn your house down to make? Literally! The professor is up in a plane with the military people but, when they fire the laser, it goes off target and cuts right through the professor’s living room and lights that pot of Jiffy Pop...the fuck...UP!!! The house EXPLODES with popcorn. Real ass popcorn. According to the ‘net the filmmakers spent 3 months popping popcorn and storing it in a warehouse for the big climax. THREE MONTHS! If they ever re-make this movie I am totally applying for that job. I make a mean ass bowl of pop! The neighborhood children run and frolic in the popcorn and it looks fun as shit and “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears starts playing. Probably my two favorite things in the world right there: popcorn and Tears for Fears. I mean...not really...but if there’s a better 80’s album than Songs from the Big Chair I ain’t heard it. So...I guess that’s it. The movie just kind of ends. Professor Hathaway comes home to find his house looking like a stepped on bag of microwave Orville Redenbacher and is none too pleased. But isn’t he also...like...in a SHIT TON of trouble for forcing his students to make weapons of mass destruction and then selling them to the CIA?? I think we just have to assume that he is. Bonnie Bedelia jumps out of the popcorn and smashes Professor Hathaway in the kisser. I mean...not really though. But that would’ve been awesome. The end.