Here’s something that actually happened: July 3rd 1991 was the day that Terminator 2: Judgement Day arrived in theaters. I was looking forward to that shit like whoa...sitting at home all day watching the Gn’R “You Could Be Mine” on the MTV. You know...the one with all of the sick T2 clips? I was determined to catch the very first screening in all of Worcester County so I made my poor 81 year-old great-grandfather Fred drive me to Showcase Cinemas THREE HOURS early for the 12:30 PM showing. When we drove by the theater I was shocked to find that there was already around 300 people in line. “What...did these motherfuckers sleep here overnight, gramps!??” I shouted...jumping out of the moving car to run and get a place in line. After two hours of pacing and cursing under my breath the doors finally opened at 11:30. About 15 minutes later...just as we’re about to reach the ticket counter...an usher gets on the loudspeaker and says “sorry folks” ...the blood drains from my face...and then “the 12:15 showing of Problem Child 2 is sold out.” Holy friggin’ phew, right? I was super relieved...but also confused. People were actually lining up to see Problem Child 2?? As we recently discussed, the original Problem Child, with its jokes about rape, patricide, and nun murder, was a special kind of terrible. It was also a huge hit...so naturally the powers that be wanted to shit out a sequel before the kid who played Junior hit puberty and got all weird and hairy like poor Brendan Sexton III (remember that kid??). While doing research (googling) on the first film I learned that that screenwriters Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewski had written Problem Child as a pitch black drama about childhood trauma...only to see their screenplay pureed into cat vomit by the suits at Universal. They were supposedly so traumatized by the finished product they openly wept at the premiere. I really felt bad for these guys. Well, turns out dudes gotta eat ‘cuz these assholes got over their artistic scruples with the quickness and agreed to write the script for the sequel in the mold of the first film. They said they hoped they could come up with something that played like a Pasolini film for children. So...if you were wondering what 120 Days of Sodom remade as a children’s film might look like...keep wondering (you sick son of a bitch!). Problem Child 2 is somehow way shittier than the shitty original. It’s also 10 minutes longer...which seems like small potatoes on paper but feels like a whole lot of life that I will never get back in actuality. I have had 10 minute-long stays at malfunctioning traffic lights that were more enjoyable. What happens is this: after the events of the first film little Junior and a pre-death John Ritter have decided to move west for a fresh start in a new town. This “town” looks like it is directly across the street from the spot on the Universal backlot where they shot the first film....because that is exactly where it is. The filmmakers truly give zero shits. This flick opens with a Bryan Adams tune called “Only the Strong Survive”...which means our man Adams had TWO movie tie-in tunes going in the summer of ’91: this one and “(Everything I do) I Do it for You” from Robin Hood. I wonder which one he’s most proud of. Canadiens can be weird. Anyway...Ritter quickly learns that his new not-really-a-town is the divorcee capital of the world...which means that there are women lined up outside of his house just dying for a chance to ball him. Like...literally. There’s an actual line. And look...I have all of the love in the world for Johnny Ritter...but...seriously?? Ritter tries to make friends with his swingin’ cad neighbor but the guy makes fun of Junior so the kid turns the guy’s propane tanks on high. The neighbor tries to light the grill and it explodes...giving said neighbor 3rd degree burns over 90% of his body. And away we go! Junior goes to school...where the principal is Gilbert Gottfried. He knows this Junior is a sick fucker...having starred as the adoption agent in the first film. He decides to punish him by jumping him ahead to the 6th grade...where the teacher is totally the principal from the Back to the Future movies. How this is supposed to be funny or make any sort of sense at all we do not know. Most of the other kids in the sixth grade look way too young to be in the 6th grade...except for this overweight kid who looks like he’s at least 35 and is apparently stupid. Learning disabilities=comic gold. There’s this other little girl named Trixie who is supposed to be just as terrible as Junior (don’t take my word for it....”he’s bad...she’s worse” is the tagline for the friggin’ movie). We know she is bad because she throws Junior a beatdown the moment she lays eyes on him...sending his busted ass to the school nurse...who also happens to be Trxie’s mother. Now..the school nurse is played by Amy Yasbeck...who looks like the actress who played John Ritter’s wife/Junior’s mom in the first Problem Child. The reason for this is that Amy Yasbeck IS the actress who played Ritter’s wife/Junior’s mom in the first Problem Child. If this is confusing to you it is probably because it is confusing as fucking shit! Why would they cast the lead actress from one film as a completely different character in the sequel?? Maybe because Yasbeck was about to be the future Mrs John Ritter ‘sssssss widow and he wouldn’t act in this shitpit without her? I don’t know, dudes. Ritter and Yasbeck are clearly sweet on each other but there’s this super wealthy bank owner whatever whatever played by the 7th funniest member of the original SNL cast Laraine Newman. Ritter tries to go on dates with her as well as former MTV VJ Martha Quinn (!) but Junior always pulls some bullshit. Ritter hires a babysitter but Junior videotapes her fucking her boyfriend and somehow projects it onto the side of their house. The entire neighborhood pull up lawn chairs to watch. Good times. Acting legend and Academy Award nominee Jack Warden shows up to reprise his role as Ritter’s old man and collect an easy paycheck. Speaking of easy paychecks: George Thorogood’s “Bad to the Bone” is used over and over again here just like it is in the original. I wonder if he considers his Problem Child’s 1&2 residual checks the darkest stain of blood money or if he doesn’t really give a shit either way. I’m guessing the latter. You know...now that I think of it…”Bad to the Bone” is in Terminator 2 as well! That means that you couldn’t see a movie at Showcase Cinemas on 7/3/91 without hearing that song! Anyway...you can probably guess what happens over the last half of this flick. Junior keeps doing insane shit like selling his own piss as lemonade and somehow getting away with it. He follows Trixie into the girl’s restroom and calls her a bitch and threatens to kill her. He shoves a stick of dynamite up his teacher’s asshole. The idea of euthanizing Junior is somehow not mentioned once. Ritter takes Junior to a carnival...which is fine...but he’s not tall enough to ride a ride called Crazy Dance...which is less fine. Junior breaks into the ride’s control panel and turns that shit up to 11..causing everyone on the ride to vomit all over the goddamn place. The people on the ride vomit...the people in the crowd vomit on each other...parents vomit on their children...an old lady vomits into her purse. Like...they must’ve used 50,000 gallons of fake hork. It’s a goddamn barftacular! This movie is 91 minutes long and I swear 50 minutes of it is this barfing scene. Somewhere back in Worcester young Danny Tebo is watching this movie for the first and only time (until now, of course) against the staunch objections of his good friend Brett Warwick...who wanted to rent The Rocketeer instead. Brett was so offended by this vomiting scene he left my house and refused to return until I shut the movie off. Dude...if you’re reading...I’m sorry! That seems like as good a place as any to end this review, right? But real quick: Ritter decides he wants to marry Laraine Newman. Junior tries to put a stop to this by putting cockroaches in her food and somehow giving her fucked up rhinoplasty. Ritter keeps courting Yasbeck on the sly. They take the kids out to a local pizzeria where they start a food fight that’s set to “Whammer Jammer” by J Geils Band. This makes me wish I still saw Peter Wolf on the regular because I would totally ask him about it. That guy HATES it when you ask him questions! Trixie and Junior decide their parents belong together and join forces to derail Ritter’s wedding to Newman. Jack Warden tries to stop them but they beat the shit out of him. It’s possibly the most sneakily fucked up scene in the entire movie: just two children punching the shit out of an elderly man...smiling and laughing all the way. Eventually they manage to sabotage the wedding by stealing some sort of giant boulder called the love rock that I haven’t mentioned because it’s too stupid to mention. Laraine Newman is crushed by the boulder and Ritter and Yasbeck get together and everyone lives happily ever after. Well...I mean...not John Ritter. And probably not his wife either. And the kid who played Junior got screwed because his showbiz mom tried to extort Universal for hundreds of thousands of dollars and no one ever hired him again. And then Gilbert Gottfried told a bunch of Japanese Tsunami jokes and lost his gig as the voice of the Aflac duck. And Jack Warden....he’s dead. So I guess Problem Child is kind of a millstone for its cast, eh? Now you’ll excuse me while I scrub my eyes out with steel wool and then go watch Terminator 2. Hasta la vista, baby…
*originally posted on June 14, 2019