So here’s the deal: at some point in 1990 I badgered my parents into purchasing me a subscription to this long-defunct monthly movie magazine called Premiere. The day the latest seasonal movie preview issue arrived in our mailbox would get me so excited I would piss my pants and forget who I was for an hour. I would tear that sucker open and make charts and graphs detailing the upcoming releases and how/when I would get to see them...because I was a sick nerd like that. The Fall 1990 movie preview had this feature where they discussed whether the upcoming film was likely to win any Oscars. They did this for every single release that year. Like...is Funny About Love with Gene Wilder gonna take home any gold statues? Or Death Warrant with Jean-Claude Van Damme? Not likely, folks...not likely. When I reached the December section of fall preview I saw that there was a movie due out on Christmas Day called Valkenvania starring Chevy Chase, Dan Aykroyd, Demi Moore, and John Candy. Oscar chances: without a doubt! (note: I don’t remember if that’s exactly what they said. I’m sure I could look this up somehow...but I’m way too lazy, OK?). To a kid like this kid those actors represented the Mount Rushmore of comedy (ok...but in this scenario you’d have to swap out Demi Moore for Steve Martin. Sorry gurl...you know I loved your work in One Crazy Summer!). I didn’t dig on Star Wars like all the other kids. My galaxy far, far away was the backseat of the wagon queen family truckster...headed due west to Roy Wally World. My scene was Vacation...Ghostbusters...The Great Outdoors...Funny Farm. You know, the real good ones. So the idea of all of these actors in the same movie that a magazine was tellin’ me could win Oscars?? I hadn’t been so excited since they traded out the Roepers for Mr Furley on Three’s Company (anybody who don’t like Don Knotts is no one I want to know). Knowing what I know now I’m going to go ahead and say that Premiere Magazine was totally taking the piss when they said Valkenvania was going to win Oscars. But..see...this was 1990. I couldn’t watch the trailer on youtube. All I had to go on/get me through my 7th grade bully beatdowns was a tiny blurb and a photo of Chevy Chase next to John Candy (in drag). When Christmas finally arrived that year and Santa brought me a Sega Genesis but NO VALKENVANIA!!! Like...the movie just didn’t come out! How could they do that to me?? And why?? As I would learn later in life...when a movie is a particular type of terrible it is typically shunted to a time of year where fewer people go to the movies...presumably to save everyone involved from a whole lot of embarrassment. I soon learned that the movie was retitled Nothing But Trouble and that it was now set to drop in February of ’91. Well...I went to see it on opening weekend on a double feature with the John Goodman comedy King Ralph...and...well...it made King Ralph look like Peter Sellers' Being There. It was bad. Like...profoundly bad...and not funny. Like...at all. Completely laugh free. I found myself deeply and personally offended...like they’d made this movie shittily just to piss me off. 12 year-old Danny Tebo from Worcester, MA. But here was my curious reaction: instead of just shaking it off and going home and playing Sonic the Hedgehog on my waterbed and moving on with my life...I went to see Nothing But Trouble AGAIN. And again. And when it came out on VHS I dubbed a copy and I watched it over and over. And I would invite my friends over and make them watch it. It was like I was trying to will this movie to be good. I needed it to be good. I couldn’t see all of these talented people and Demi Moore go up in flames like that! I hadn’t sat down with it in a good long while so I decided to check it out again to see how it holds up almost 30 years later. And you know...it’s kind of amazing. Amazing that this movie was allowed to exist in the first place. I mean...I understand that few people had a better track record than Danny Aykroyd by the end of the 1980’s. Dude was original SNL...dude wrote Blues Brothers and Ghostbusters...dude was in Spies Like Us! But there were clouds on the horizon in the shape of My Stepmother is an Alien...not to mention his cameo in Caddyshack 2...possibly the worst performance ever given by an actor in a movie...ever. Aykroyd wrote the screenplay for Nothing But Trouble...presented it to the suits at Warner Bros. and they rolled over and gave dude $40 million bux! Not only that...they let him DIRECT it! In 1989 Warner Bros produced the Nicholson/Keaton Batman on a budget of $40 million clams and it went on to bring in a butt ton of money at the box office. That’s a tentpole summer blockbuster with Burger King tie-ins and shit. That means that someone, for reasons only known to god in heaven, must have thought that Nothing But Trouble was gonna do Batman business! This is the point where I usually give the play-by-play but I’ll try to keep it brief here because you really just need to see this one for yourselves. It’s only 93 minutes long...which was a complete shock to me as it feels longer than that one Fanny and Alexander flick by Ingmar Bergman. What happens is this: at the opening of the film we are introduced to Chevy Chase’s character, a rich white, cigar-chomping financial adviser-type who lives in a rich white people NYC penthouse. When he arrives home to his penthouse he has a chance encounter with his fellow yuppie neighbor played by a post-Ghost haircut Demi Moore. We know she’s a yuppie because she’s carrying an espresso maker and there was no greater symbol of wealth in 1990 than being able to make a shit ton of lattes in the privacy of your own home. Moore is upset because she just got word that her boss (that she’s schtupping) is about to double cross her on a land deal at a big seminar that’s taking place in Atlantic City...or whatever whatever. She needs to get to AC Asap so she heads up to Chevy’s spot to ask is she can borrow his car...even though he’s a complete stranger and there’s a multitude of ways one can get oneself from NYC to Atlantic City. Shit, I made that trip on a Peter Pan once and we stopped at Rob Roy and it was just delightful. Take your bougie ass to the Port Authority, miss thing! But no...the Chev agrees to give her a ride because he like...likes her or something. The next morning they are supposed to head outta town but Chevy is mad hungover and pissed off and doesn’t want to go. This is important because this is exactly how Chevy Chase will play the remainder of the movie: hungover and pissed off. I’m guessing the reason for this is that Chevy Chase was actually hungover and pissed off for the duration of the time he spent on the set of this film. He looks like he’s being forced to act in this movie at gunpoint. He’s, like, seething with barely hidden contempt. He’s unfortunately that kind of guy, Chevy Chase is. Type “Chevy Chase meltdown” into google and I’ll see you in 5 hours when you emerge from your YouTube hole. ANYWAY...Chevy duddn’t want to go...but then Demi shows up in this weird white low-cut shorts/dress combo thing and now dude is game. They hop into his ultra tricked out BMW (this movie also functions as a 90 minute commercial for BMW) and head out of town but first they gotta pick up Chase’s not entirely welcome “Brazillionaire” neighbors, one of whom is played by the vastly underrated and sadly deceased comedian Taylor Negron. The foursome make their way down the Jersey Turnpike but Negron keeps complaining about how he wants to have a picnic...even though Chevy is surly and grouchy. “Dude, you could be a better host, man” he tells Chev. Demi Moore looks up an alternate route through the countryside...because even though it is 1990...this BMW totally has GPS!! Maybe Nothing But Trouble is where GPS was invented?? I’m gonna have to look into this. So they pull off the road but they end up in some burned out mining town called Valkenvania...which is also the real title of the movie we are talking about. Chevy rolls through a stop sign and now has the local law on his tail. Taylor Negron suggests that he try to outrun the police...which...ok...sure. Chevy agrees and there’s a big stupid car (non Chevy) chase and they get caught by the local deputy...who is totally John Candy! Man, I’ve said this before but just the sight of that guy gives me the warm and fuzzies. I miss him a lot...I really do. Candy tells them that they are being arrested and will have to plead their case for the Shire Reeve...which is what they call the justice of the peace in this flick. AND here’s where things start to go shithouse. The foursome follow Candy to the JP’s decrapitated mansion...which sits on a landfill populated by discarded set pieces from Beetlejuice, Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, and other late 80’s Warner Bros. films. So they go meet the judge Alvin Valkenheiser...who turns out to be Danny Aykroyd...except he’s supposed to be 110 so he’s wearing pounds of make-up. He looks like a jaundiced potato with a cock for a nose. That last part is real; his nose looks like the head of a penis. That’s the big joke. Maybe they would’ve fared better if they could’ve sold Judge Valkenheiser dicknoses as a tie-in toy. Everyone loves a dicknose! Anyway...the judge is evil and speaks in complete nonsense (I still do not know what “look who has the front seats to the Mexican hat dance now!” means....but it can’t be good). He refused to release Chevy and Co...but instead drops them through a trap door where they land in a vat of balloons (or something). So they’re trapped...and Demi punches old Chev in the face...because he’s a smug prick, that guy. Meanwhile back out on the highway a car containing the #4 most talented Baldwin brother Danny Baldwin is tearing ass down the backroads. The occupants of the car are slugging booze and sniffing coke and smoking crack. In other words...not much “acting” required on the part of Daniel Baldwin in this scene. I was gonna say that this is far and away his finest performance but then I googled the dude and saw that he has something like 129 film credits...126 of which I haven’t seen. I guess I know what I’m doing from now until Christmas. “Vegas Vampires” here I come! Anyway, Baldwin and his pals are brought before the judge...who immediately sentences them to death. The floor turns into a conveyor belt, carrying the guilty parties into a roller coaster called the Bone Stripper! It even has a song that plays along with it called, umm, The Bone Stripper that is played by one-off not-that-supergroup Damn Yankees. You know what song rules, though? “High Enough” by Damn Yankees. Anyway...they take a ride on the roller coaster and at the end they are put through a meat grinder that tears all of the flesh away from their bodies and shoots the freshly stripped bones into a bone landfill. Aaaaand if you haven’t already walked out of the movie this is the point where you’d gather your jackets and leave. The Judge invites Chevy and his crew to dinner where he explains that he hates bankers and that bankers screwed his grandpa over after the revolutionary war or whatever. So there’s some...like...underlying deeper themes at work here, maaaan. Then his nose turns into a dick again. We also meet the judge’s granddaughter...who is totally just John Candy in drag. And also: mute....which is a goddamn shame. You don’t take one of the greatest comedic actors of all time and make him mute! They gave Candy absolutely nothing of interest to do in this movie. He’s completely wasted...yet he looks totally down to just roll with the punches...unlike the Chev. Such a great guy, that John Candy. Taylor Negron and his sister decide they’ve had enough so they jump through the window and make a run for it. John Candy catches them but, instead of machine gunning them to death, he decides to help them escape. He’s had enough of being in this friggin’ movie too. Chev and Demi are locked in a bedroom for the night and they instantly start necking...which makes zero sense as there is less than zero chemistry between them. It’s way gross and probably sucked for Demi Moore...maybe even worse than being married to Ashton Kutcher. They go snooping around and find a room full of missing person’s press clippings and stolen ID cards. I guess the judge has been murdering people for years...Jimmy Hoffa even...and SSNORRRREEEE. Chev and Demi fall through a trap door and go sliding down separate slides that are kind of like the slides in Goonies but with no water and no mad cool pirate ship at the end. Chevy ends up watching the judge remove his leg and nose as he gets ready for bed. Also--he farts...because when you are strapped for laughs always rip some ass. Demi ends up outside in the junkyard maze, where she is taken in by two morbidly obese diaper-wearing mutant babies who talk baby talk and are both played by Dan Aykroyd. And if you didn’t already walk out of the theater you would definitely leave NOW! This is the point where the movie goes from “meh, this kinda sucks” to “did Dan Aykroyd REALLY write Ghostbusters??” Was there never a point where an executive arrived on set, saw Aykroyd in his fat suit, and said “this is what the fuck you are doing with our 40 mil!?” But wait...it gets crazier! Cuz we are about to get a visit from The Digital Underground! You know... “The Humpty Dance” dudes? They are in this movie! They are also arrested and brought before the judge. Shock-G explains that he’s really funny lookin’...but that’s alright ‘cuz he gets things cookin’. The judge asks him to play him a tune...and they oblige. They play something called “Same Song” that has a hook that goes “all around the world same song” that is sung by a dude in a Yankees jersey who looks an awful lot like Tupac Shakur. The reason for this is that the dude in the Yankees shirt IS Tupac Shakur...which means Tupac Shakur is in Nothing But Trouble. The world is a crazy goddamn mixed up world. Ugh...what else? The judge tells Chevy he’ll let him live if me marries mute lady John Candy and he agrees. Digital Underground plays a wedding song that goes “tie the knot...tie tie the knot!” I’m totally gonna have that song at my wedding...and hopefully Digital Underground as well. Chevy flakes out and tries to escape and the judge makes him ride the Bone Stripper but that shit konks out so none of his bones are stripped. He rescues Demi Moore and they hop a train back to NYC where they alert the authorities to the murderous dicknosed judge. Said authorities are led by Brian-Doyle Murray...standing in for his little brother Billy...who had the good sense to steer clear of this shitpit. They stage a raid on the Valkenheiser compound...but then I guess all of the cops already know about the judge and are in cahoots. So that’s trouble for Chevy but then there’s an earthquake/underground mine explosion and Chev and Demi escape a second time. Meanwhile, Taylor Negron and his sister have escaped to Rio with the non-lady John Candy...where they all live happily ever after. Well...I mean...not really. Those guys are all dead now. Chevy makes it back to his penthouse but one afternoon he’s watching the news and he sees that the judge has survived the mine explosion. He screams and does a Bugs Bunny through the wall and that’s how the fucking movie ends!!! Like...nothing says “we give zero shits” more than ending your movie with a Bugs Bunny through the wall. Ok...sorry...that wasn't brief at all! But mercifully, that’s all folks.