*originally posted march 21, 2019
OK folks...time for VHS of the Week:
Check THIS out: back in 2017 Caitlin was working as the GM at the restaurant Ten Tables in Jamaica Plain. One day she texted me to say that Richard Benjamin was coming in for dinner and to ask if I knew who he was. Do I ever! He’s only the legendary star of the not-quite-legendary film Saturday the 14th! Dude has got a 50-year resume that includes directing credits for The Money Pit, Mermaids, and My Stepmother is an Alien. I immediately said something like “I’m gonna have you bring my VHS copy of Stepmother to the restaurant for Benjamin to sign!” I then proceeded to not give Caitlin my copy of Stepmother for Benjamin to sign. Now...If I recall correctly they came to the restaurant in big group with a contact person. Caitlin told the contact person that I wanted my copy of Stepmother signed...and he told Richard Benjamin...who wrote an email back saying he’d be happy to lend me his autograph on his next visit. Shit...you...NOT! Of course, Caitlin quit Ten Tables like 2 weeks later and, as you can see, this here VHS tape remains unsigned. What happened next, though, is that I actually watched My Stepmother is an Alien for the first time in almost 30 years....and it just completely sucks. I know it’s a real risk we encounter when we excavate these movies from our childhood. Some hold up...some don’t: them’s the grapes. I probably should’ve shut it off during the opening credit sequence, which is set to Tom Jones’ cover of Prince’s “Kiss”. Ain’t nobody want to hear that shit. Like Prince used to say “no one can play me. You try to play me...you play yourself.” You hear that Mr What’s New, Pussycat? What happens is this: vodka huckster and 4th coolest ghostbuster Danny Aykroyd is a widower scientist who is trying to shoot a laser beam called the klystron into a faraway galaxy for reasons that are scarcely explained. He can only achieve this with the aid of a lightning storm that happens once every 9 weeks or something (note: can you really predict lightning storms in advance? Cuz I have something on July 19th 2020 and I need it dry). Dudes...Back to the Future just called; they want their plot point back. Aykroyd is frantically running around the lab trying set up his laser beam while his crusty old bosses are all “grumble grumble don’t mess this up, Venkman!” While this is happening Aykroyd’s brother and worst character in a movie ever is running alongside him trying to convince him to go to a party where they will sexually harass tipsy secretaries. This swingin’ dick horndog brother is played by....wait for it....Jon Lovitz. Like...the guy from Saturday Night Live. Master Thespian. That dude. Cast here as the killingist of ladykillers. Whatever you say, folks. Aykroyd manages to shoot his beam all the way to the distant galaxy...but he breaks a machine or something so they fire him. He goes home to his 13 year-old daughter...who is totally Alyson Hannigan...star of every other TV show/movie released in the last 30 years. Seriously, she’s like five years away from a lifetime achievement Oscar. Aykroyd is super bummed about being fired but his daughter is like “don’t sweat it...but maybe stop being a terrible single parent and feeding me pop tarts for dinner. Also I am now 13 and have boobs.” Aykroyd is all “humina humina let’s talk about it another time!” Cut to: a spaceship hauling ass towards earth and an extremely uncomfortable extreme close-up of Kim Basinger’s leg. Aykroyd’s laser beam reached a planet called Cosine N to the 8th (the fuck that means) and they are sending an alien who looks like and is Kim Basinger to earth to see what’s what. Stepping back for a moment: back in 1989 10 year-old Danny Tebo is watching this movie for this first time with his aunt. When Kim Basinger appears onscreen my aunt turns to me and says “did you hear Kim Basinger is banging Prince?” And this is somehow the first time I have ever heard someone use the term “bang” as in “to fornicate” (thanks Auntie Lorie!). I tell her I don’t...but that I’ll look into it. That must’ve been quite a scene when she broke up with Prince and started dating Alec Baldwin. He couldn’t have taken that well...and by “him” I mean Alec Baldwin. I can just hear the rage-filled phone calls in the middle of the night. “He Prince....hey short guy. You’re short. Short ass. Kim’s with me now. Shorty.” ANYWAY...alien Kim Basinger lands her spaceship outside of Lovitz’ beach mansion and future Entourage set...where there’s a party in progress. She’s not alone though; she has a personal concierge in the form a one-eyed talking cyclops...snake...thing...that lives inside of her purse. The talking eye teaches her everything she needs to know about earth in 5 minutes and serves as her go-to when she needs information about stuff...like whether or not to ball Dan Aykroyd. Apparently the purse was supposed to have been voiced by Joan Rivers...but they ended up going with Richard Benjamin’s wife Paula Prentiss’ssssss sister Ann. They even gave this talking snake purse a name: The Bag. Sometimes simple is better. Right so Basinger goes into the party looking for Aykroyd but she’s an alien, see, and she doesn’t know how to act at parties so she does a shit ton of backflips and tries to smoke a carrot and just shouts lines from 80’s TV commercials like “this Bud’s for you!” She finds Aykroyd...who is all BUZUNGAH! She demands to be driven to his lab where she asks if he can shoot his laser beam back in to outer space or whatever. He says they have to wait until the next big lightning bolt. They make out a little. It is gross. He takes her home and asks if she would like to have sex. She has to go into the bathroom and ask the talking bag what sex is. Bag produces several films from the porno “Debbie Does...” series to show Basinger what sex is. I mean, that’s how we all learned, right? She decides she will have intercourse with Dan Aykroyd....even though he is Dan Aykroyd. She goes into the bedroom and there’s, like, this 10 minute slow motion sequence where she walks across the bedroom in a see-through nighty set to the song “Pump Up the Volume” by M.A.R.R.S. Two things: 1. I now have a slightly better idea of why I liked this movie so much when I was 10...and 2. Pump Up the Volume is such a boss ass tune. I always thought it was bullshit that they didn’t use it in the movie, umm. Pump Up the Volume. So they ball...and the next morning she’s all “I gotta go...see you never.” Aykroyd isn’t about to let this alien goddess slip away so he asks her to marry him. She says yes and now they are having a wedding at his house and it is the SAME DAY! It’s just about the dumbest shit ever. They couldn’t have sprung for a “getting to know you” montage? Like...they got a caterer and a band and a cake and dresses all in a couple of hours?? Before Basinger can walk down the aisle, though, Alyson Hannigan catches her eating D batteries because I guess aliens eat batteries (“I want D, muthafucka, D!--Radio Raheem). She tries to warn her dad that his bride-to-be is a battery head but he’s all “you’re just upset cuz you miss your dead mother.” Things get unbearably stupid from here on out and my attention starts to wander. Like...remember when Kim Basinger had so much money she bought an entire TOWN!? It’s called Braselton, Georgia...look it up! Anyway...Alyson Hannigan goes on a date with a kid who is totally Seth Green. His character is here and gone and means absolutely nothing. Basinger keeps chowing face on batteries. The Bag turns evil and tries to kill the family dog. Aykroyd refuses to believe his new wife is an alien...until the kid almost gets hit by a car and Basinger uses her alien powers to make the kid transparent. Aykroyd is pissed and gets cocked on scotch and force-feeds Basinger a sandwich. She’s all “mmm...mmm...human food is good! I could be more human!” It’s creepy as shit. Basically he needs to shoot his laser back to her planet or the planet will die. So they go and do that...and it’s whatever. The bag tries to murder them but they blow it up. At least I think they do...it isn’t actually shown on screen...like that goddamn shark in Jaws: The Revenge. Eventually these three old white dudes appear in the sky. I guess they are the leader’s of Basinger’s planet...even though they totally have British accents. They say that they are gonna have to blow up earth and I, for one, hope to shit they do if it will end this movie. Aykroyd is all “You can’t blow up earth...we have wonderful things...like Jimmy Durante! (Ed. Note: Durante was long dead when this movie was made). Aykroyd and Baisnger proceed to reenact a Jimmy Durante song-and-dance number that is so disgustingly corny that I have to hit the fast forward (my VCR doesn’t have a remote...I actually have to GET UP...this is a big deal). They are nonplussed but then one of them there old fuckers in the sky sneezes and decides sneezing feels good and they will no longer destroy earth. Seriously I think they were just making shit up day-of-shoot at this point. They have to take one human back to the faraway galaxy so they lure Jon Lovitz in with a fleet of girls from those Robert Palmer videos. Everyone lives happily ever after....except for the people who watched My Stepmother is an Alien. The end.