February 8, 2019

Oh my sweet Christ in heaven and all of the apostles. Here’s what happened: 25 years ago my buddies and I went to see Tombstone but we couldn’t get tickets on account of that flick being rated R and us kids being kids. So we simply bought tickets for the PG-rated, Disney-produced My Father the Hero and snuck into Tombstone undetected. Solid flick, right? The number of times I have thought about My Father the Hero since 1994 is approximately zero but I decided to check it out and OH MY STARS! it is not appropriate to be viewed by anyone at any age! I thought it was one of those icky “dad tries to stop teenage daughter from having sex” movies. You know...a retread of She’s out of Control or something. If only it was that innocuous, folks! This one is a remake of an “extremely popular” (their words) French comedy...which makes me think that maybe that whole Freedom Fries thing wasn’t such a bad idea. So what happens is this: Gerard Depardieu, looking kind of like Nick Nolte’s 2002 drunk driving mug shot came to life, plays a wealthy Frenchman who flies to NYC (on the Concorde, natch) to take his estranged 14 year-old daughter on vacation to an unnamed tropical island. He shows up at their eff you rich penthouse (maid...Steinway...view of Central Park) and...holy shit!...his daughter Nikki is the notoriously unpleasant actress Katherine Heigl! I always slag off Kathy Heigl because she’s so terrible to everyone but now I think she might just have some permanent PTSD from starring in My Father the Hero. I think I understand her now. You do what you need to do, girl! Anyway...turns out that Depardieu (henceforth referred to as GD) hasn’t seen his daughter in ages ‘cuz he’s too busy hanging out in Paris crushing Pastis. His ex-wife hates him...and Nikki hates him and does not want to go on vacation with him. At all. They go to the airport and Nikki tries to run away screaming but GD drags her back and orders her a dirty martini. I mean...are we supposed to be laughing at this? They get to non-specific island and before they can even check into their presidential suite Nikki has got bros coming at her left and right. Let’s take care of some accounting real quick: usually when I watch a teen comedy I’ll note that the actors playing the high school students are always at least 25 years old. Kathy Heigl was actually 14 years-old when they shot this movie. When she arrives on the island she immediately develops a crush on some chooch named Ben who rents jet skis for the hotel. His actual age: 23. Is this the most troubling thing about this movie? Not even close! GD and Nikki hit the resort scene where they befriend a group of annoying Americans led by veteran character actor and Ned Ryerson from Groundhog Day Stephen Tobolowsky. GD is almost always shirtless. What does this look like? Imagine a thumb that has been crushed in a car door and then injected with cirrhosis. This might have something to do with the fact that GD once claimed to slam up to 14 bottles of wine per day on the regular. Direct quote: “If I start to feel pissed all I need is a 10 minute nap and voila! A slurp of rose wine and I feel fresh as a daisy!” Meanwhile Nikki wears a thong to the pool and immediately has a line of dudes offering to make her the next Natalee Holloway. She zeroes in on Ben...who is totally interested back. And then...for NO REASON WHATSOEVER...she tells him that GD is her boyfriend!! I think the idea is that this will make him jealous...but dude...he already likes her! She also tells him that she’s 16...which kicks the fucked-up-o-meter up into the stratosphere. Can I mention one more time that Disney made this movie? They all go to see some shitty reggae band and Nikki sees Ben dancing with another girl so she drapes herself over her father and starts passionately kissing him all over his head. I vomit into my own mouth. As if this all isn’t depraved enough Nikki also tells Ben that GD is abusive...and that she used to sniff glue...before she got into the “hard shit”. GD remains blissfully unaware...probably because he’s so shitfaced. He spends most of the movie leaving messages on the answering machine of his estranged girlfriend back in Paris. Eventually Tobolowsky and his crew and everyone else on the island hear that GD and Nikki are a couple and are less than pleased because GAHHHH!!! They take him water skiing and try to rough him up in a scene that I think is supposed to be hysterical. I was too busy ignoring the movie and reading about how GD renounced his French citizenship and is now a full-tilt Russian and close personal pal of Vladimir Putin. Dude makes Serge Gainsbourg look like Mr Rogers. GD tells Nikki that he wants to marry his estranged girlfriend and she has a fit and runs to Ben’s house where she tells him and his family that GD beats her. GD shows up and Ben punches him in the face. This is some twisted shit right here, y’all. GD drags his busted ass back to the hotel where there’s a talent show in progress. He proceeds to sit at the piano and play Maurice Chevalier’s “Thank Heaven for Little Girls” to a shocked audience...who flee in disgust. Man...pedophilia is HYSTERICAL!! Here I’d like to point out that the director of this film, Steve Miner, also directed Friday the 13th Parts 2&3...and that this film is far more terrifying. So...whatever...Nikki tells her pops that she’s been feeding everyone shitburgers and the entire island thinks he’s a pedo. He’s predictably bullshit. Does he fly her home and check her into Bellevue? NOPE! He decides to play along!! That’s right...he decides to help his 14 year-old daughter win the heart of a 23 year-old man. What dad wouldn’t? I don’t know...Nikki goes windsurfing and almost drowns and GD tries to save her and almost drowns and Ben saves him...but now Ben knows the truth somehow? (I stopped paying attention). Ben is like “I ain’t messing with no lyin’ ass 16 year-old! See you never!” But Nikki shows up outside his house and recites some French poetry or some shit that GD feeds her while hidden in a bush. Ben decides he likes her again and they meet up on the beach and start sucking face while GD looks on...beaming with pride. I’d like to point out that Ben still does not know that Nikki is FOURT-FUCKING-TEEN!!! While Ben is engaged in child molestation on the beach GD finally gets his estranged girlfriend on the phone...and it’s Academy Award winner Dame Emma Thompson!! She must’ve owed someone a serious favor or something, dudes. GD proposes and slurs “I want to haff zee baby wiss you” into the phone and Emma Thompson gladly accepts. The movie ends. I scream into a pillow and then immediately cleanse my palate with Tombstone.