September 20, 2019
The back of the VHS jacket for Marked for Death, which was released in October of 1990, confidently declares that the film’s star, sexual harassment yoda and current Russian envoy to the United States Steven Seagal to be the hottest action hero of the 1990’s. I don’t know about y’all but I think the first year of a decade might be a wee bit early for such bold predictions. Shit, in 1990 I would’ve bet my life on NELSON being the hottest band of the next ten years! But 1999 found a different world for our dude Seagal (and for Ricky Nelson’s fair haired, smiley twin sons). The last movie that Seagal put out in the 1990’s was called The Patriot and it didn’t even make enough dough at the box office to cover dinner for two at the French Laundry. One could write a novel about all of the weird shit he has done over the last 20 years: bizarre wine instructional video, bizarre faux law enforcement work, bizarre Russian citizenship. But...you know...the number of people who would purchase such a book is probably close to zero. I’ll concede that Seagal was indeed very popular for a good 5 year stretch back in the day...but I can’t begin to tell you why. Sure, he’s good with the martial arts and whatnot...but he has negative charisma and certainly no sense of humor. At least Jean-Claude Van Damme smiled a lot and looked like the sort of cat you wouldn’t mind having a beer with (or pound of cocaine. Poor JCVD...his taste for the booger sugar really did him in). Anyway, what happens in Marked for Death is this: Seagal plays undercover DEA agent and expert snapper of limbs John Hatcher. The opening of the flick finds Hatch and his partner Chico running around a part of Columbia that is totally just some leftover sets from Three Amigos at the 20th Century Fox backlot. I assume they are there to do your run-of-the-mill action movie-type stuff: take down a cartel or whatever whatever. It isn’t really explained. They immediately kidnap veteran character actor Danny Trejo and stuff him in the trunk of a car...which is no way to treat Danny Trejo. Dude has like 700 more movies to make over the next 30 years! The drug cartel ain’t fooled by Mr Mystical Ponytail and shit goes south with the quickness and mad dudes are shot and carved up with a sword. Hatch and Chico end up at a strip club (because: boobs) where a naked prostitute shoots Chico to death. Hatch, in turn, pumps the naked prostitute full of lead. If that sounds a bit gratuitous...it’s because it totally is. Hatcher DOES feel an iota of guilt so he takes his prostitute-killing ass to confession straightaway after landing back in the states. “Listen father, I’ve done some terrible things: I’ve fucked a ton of women, I’ve taken drugs, I’ve killed men and women...all to help bring down the bad guys.” (seriously...this is what he says! And I thought I had some uncomfortable confessions!). The priest says “hey, them’s the breaks” and gives him 15 Our Father’s and 10 Hail Mary’s. Then he tells Hatch to go spend time with his family and to “find the gentle self inside you.” Hey Padre--this is Stevie Seagal! Dude has no “gentle self” inside him! Hatch goes to tell his boss to find another pony tailed, black dungaree-wearing DEA agent. The boss is all “quit bein’ a broad...the president demands results!” but Hatch ain’t hearing it. He gets his ’73 Mustang out of storage and hauls ass back to his hometown in the suburbs of Chicago, where the streets are somehow lined with palm trees. He arrives at the Hatcher family home, where his sister is still holding down the fort with her 10 year-old daughter...who is totally played the actress who plays Michael Myers’ niece in Halloween’s 4 & 5! Which reminds me that this film was directed by the guy who directed Halloween 4! Which reminds me that I would much rather be watching Halloween 4! Anyway, they are happy-ish to see him. Hatch’s bedroom is still set up just like it was when he was in high school. It looks just like my old bedroom but with 100% more guns on the wall and no waterbed. The next day he heads over to his high school to check in with his old buddy and current school football coach Max, played by man who is waiting for James Earl Jones to die so he can have ALL of the voice-over work Keith David. Aaaaaaand that’s when the Jamaicans show up! Hatch notices them out of the corner of his eye. They are selling reefer to students out in the bleachers. Totally common sight in the lily white suburbs. But like 30 seconds later those same Jamaicans are trying to sell CRACK to the kids. “Ya mon...you ready to try crack!? Dis da real deal, boyeee. Make you want to make love all de time!” (Make love? Crack? Mmm...ok). This film movie is so insulting to Jamaicans that they had to rush Cool Runnings into production the following year so Americans wouldn’t think that all Jamaicans were bumbaclot crack hustling hoodoo men. Hatch turns a blind eye ‘cuz he’s retired, remember? There’s a couple of scenes that follow where various other gangsters discuss how the Jamaicans are moving in on their turf...but it is impossible to tell who’s who. It’s like they were determined to keep the movie’s running time to 90 minutes...coherent storytelling be damned. We do learn that the head Jamaican gangster’s name is Screwface. Kind of like Scarface....but screwed. One of the rival gangsters goes to a Latinx oracle with a picture of Screwface. She tells him Screwface is muy malo and offers to put a curse on him. This involves her doing the following: stripping butt ass naked, jumping into a bathtub full of floating orange peels, taking a swig off a bottle of Bacardi Silver, taking a puff off a of a stogie, and then killing a chicken. That sounds not all that different from my nightly post-work routine. Maybe I should start a side hustle putting curses on Jamaican drug lords, eh? Max and Hatch decide to hit the townie bar for a couple of brewskis. Max tells Hatch that they are surrounded by Jamaicans slinging coke to high school students...but Hatch says it’s none of his business. Dude just wants to sip some suds and show off his bomb ass silk jacket featuring a TIGER on each shoulder. If they had an infomercial hawking merch from this movie I would have totally bought that tiger jacket. Their little drinking sesh is interrupted when a gunfight breaks out between....exactly whom I’m not entirely sure. Hatch has to abandon his 7.4 ABV IPA and go crack some skulls. Post shootout Hatch is confronted outside the bar by the chief of police and actor who is Kevin Dunn...who tells Hatch to stay retired and mind his own beeswax. He also meets a lady Jamaican gang expert named Detective Leslie Something-or-Other. I assume this character only exists to satisfy Steven Seagal’s voracious sexual appetite...because these types of movies are gross like that...but I might be wrong (note: I am wrong). The Jamaicans are way cheesed off that Hatch has started poking around their business so they drive by his house and spray it with like 5000 bullets...one of which strikes the little girl from Halloween 4. Luckily she lives...but unluckily she winds up in the care of Linda Hamilton’s doctor from Terminator 2. What, was that actor just wandering around Hollywood in a doctor’s costume in 1990 looking for work?? Hatcher grabs the doctor by the scrubs and tells him to treat the little girl like the President of the United States. Shit...if I was a doctor and someone said that to me in 2019 I’d be like “ok then...lemme just unplug this here respirator and turn these machines off...” Anyway...now Hatcher is all “you fuck with my family...you fuck with me!” He goes to see another rival gangster named Jimmy Fingers, who is smoking crack in a hotel room with two prostitutes and a Jamaican dude. Kind of like former DC mayor Marion Barry....but with a bonus Jamaican dude. Hatcher tells Jimmy Fingers that he had better give up Screwface. Jimmy Fingers says he wouldn’t give Hatcher the sweat from his balls. I chuckle a little bit. Hatcher slaps him around. Jimmy Fingers says he’s a made man. Hatch says “only god made men” and then proceeds to shoot Jimmy Fingers in FRIGGIN’ HEAD! He asks the Jamaican where Screwface is. The Jamaican tells Hatcher “you’re on your own with that shit, homie” and then jumps out the window (they are, like, wicked high up. The man does not survive the fall). When Hatcher returns home from his exhausting night of murder/assisted suicide he finds a giant cow’s tongue nailed to his door and a bunch of voodoo mumbo jumbo written on his living room floor. He does what any reasonable man would do in this situation: he slow braises the beef tongue overnight and then stews some lentils. In the morning he slices the braised tongue really thin, mixes it with the lentils. He then poaches an egg and makes a quick salsa verde and VOILA! Now they gots breakfast! I mean...not really though. He takes some polaroids of the voodoo writings and brings them to Dr. Leslie. She tells him that the writing means “Marked for Death” in Jamaican...which is also the name of the movie that we are watching.He shoots her a look that says “sooo....you know....maybe?” but he’s Steven Seagal and cannot help himself...but that’s as far as it goes. She is not seen again. Unlike the ever-climbing body count, the love interest count will remain at zero. The next day Hatcher rolls up on some Jamaicans. They ask if he wants some blow. He tells them to go blow themselves. And now it’s time for a car chase! I know I mentioned earlier about how this movie is set in a suburb of Chicago that is full of palm trees. I mean...maybe they picked up some second unit shots in the Chicago area...but this flick was clearly filmed in California. When it comes to the car chase scene, though, they don’t even TRY to make it look like they are anywhere but downtown Los Angeles. It’s like “oh look....they just drove by the Capitol Records building! There’s Nakatomi Plaza! And now they’re headed down La Brea toward the 10 freeway!” It’s pretty fucking hilarious. Eventually they all crash into a jewelry store and Hatcher beats up like 15 dudes and throws this one dude through 20 different jewelry cases. So...that happens...but these Jamaicans are tenacious sumbitch’s. They come after Hatcher again and totally blow up his sweet ass ’73 Stang. They are contacted by a good Jamaica guy who might be a cop (note: was he already in this movie and I just wasn’t paying attention or are they introducing a new character with like 20 minutes left to go?? You know I hate that shit!). The good Jamaican tells Hatcher that Screwface has screwed back to Jamaica. He enlists Max to fly down there with him to kill Screwface but first there’s a weapons-making montage where the dudes are putting silencers on their machine guns and shit...all while wearing the proper protective eye goggles. Safety first when it comes to planning the assassination of spooky Jamaican drug lords! Hatcher heads to Jamaica....but he takes the time to see the sights first. Sample the true local flavor and see where the true Jamaicans live...like a regular goddamn Tony Bourdain. He heads to a club to check out some legit reggae...and holy shit! Friggin’ Jimmy Cliff is playing! “Many Rivers to Cross” Jimmy Cliff! That dude. Except here he’s playing a song lyrics that say “Screwface...your time has come!” Oh man! Jimmy Cliff must be watching the same movie that we’re watching! At the club someone introduces Hatcher to a woman who used to date Screwface. He asks her for advice on how to catch him. She tells him that Screwface has four eyes and two heads. Hatcher is all “that don’t even make crazy sense, devil woman. Thanks for nothin’!” Eventually Max and Hatcher locate Screwface’s compound (gotta be a compound...always) and go in there killing up a storm with their silent machine guns. I gotta say...I have mixed feelings about what happens to Screwface character. I mean...he’s the head bad guy and all...but he isn’t really SHOWN being bad all that much. He’s no Richie Lupo if you know what I’m saying (if you know your Seagal...you do know what I am saying. If you do not...you have probably stopped reading 1500 words ago). Anyway...what happens is Hatcher kills like 500 dudes to get to Screwface. When he finds him they have a sword fight and Hatcher cuts Screwface’s head off. The end. Oh wait! Suddenly we are back in Chicago (actual Chicago...there’s a shot of the L and everything). Hatcher, Max, and the good Jamaican bust in on the few members of Screwface’s posse who remain unkilled. Hatcher tells them that their posse is kaput and that Screwface is dead. They call shenanigans. Hatcher pulls Screwface’s severed head out of a duffel bag. I mean...I know the airlines were pretty lax pre-9/11 and all...but did he really just fly home from Jamaica with a severed head in his fucking carry on?? He isn’t even an actual law enforcement agent anymore...just some dude traveling with his high school buddy who coaches football! Also--wouldn’t that thing start to, you know, stink?? While he’s holding the head aloft for the Jamaicans to see Screwface suddenly appears behind the head with arms, legs, a torso AND alive! Wait...two heads and four eyes!? There are two Screwfaces!!! They are twins! It’s the most surprising twist ending since The Sixth Sense (which doesn’t come out for 9 more years) except not at all. So now there’s another super long fight scene and the good Jamaican in stabbed with a sword and Max is shot in the leg...so, you know, NDB (Max I mean...pretty sure the sword wound is fatal-ish). Hatcher and Screwface #2 fight like bastards...but he can’t cut THIS dude’s head off too...‘cuz been there done that, amirite? Instead he gouges ScrewTwo’s eyes out with his thumbs and then throws dude into an empty elevator shaft (note: an empty elevator shaft is always mere inches away in most action films, innit it?). Screwface Squared is impaled on...umm...whatever it is that one finds at the bottom of an elevator shaft (rusty pipe?). Hatcher looks down at his body and quips “I hope they weren’t triplets!” I do not laugh. The movie ends.