In the two decades that I have worked in the restaurant industry I have worked with people from nearly every corner of the free world and beyond. I can stumble through a little Spanish, a hint of Portuguese, and know my way around cuss words in most languages. I’ll tell you, though--there ain’t nothing like doing time with a co-worker who speaks 1980’s Horror Flick. A couple of years ago I worked with this cat by the name of Alex who was about a decade younger than me but who knew his Witchboard from his Witchcraft. You could schedule us together but we’d spend most of our shift discussing the finer points of Chopping Mall and ignoring the customers. It’s like...hey...can I get someone to refill my Malbec!? Sorry, the servers are busy arguing about whether Friday the 13th jumped the shark after Paramount sold the franchise to New Line (it did). One flick that came up alot during our lengthy horror raps was the 1988 Lukas Haas film Lady in White. Alex said that it scared the shit of him. I said that it scared the shit out of me also (high fives). Since Halloween is this week, and there isn’t nearly enough terrifying real world stuff going on, I decided to go ahead and check it out again. I was shocked to learn that, despite all of our conversations to the contrary, I had never actually seen Lady in White before! So what the hell was I thinking about then!? The Lady in Red by Chris DeBurgh?? That’s a song, not a movie! The Gene Wilder flick Woman in Red?? That’s scary bad but otherwise not a horror movie. Lair of the White Worm by Ken Russell? Shit man--I really have no idea! I know I probably owe Alex an apology next time I see him.
Anyway, what happens is this--a famous horror writer arrives at an airport in Anycity, USA and hails a taxi to the fictional town of Waypoint Falls. We know he’s a famous writer because the cabbie is all “holy guacamole--I can’t believe I got the author of A Fog in the Night in my cab! You don’t believe all of that spooky stuff ya write about, do ya?” The writer asks the cabbie if they can make a pit stop at a cemetery on the outskirts of town. Not only does he consent to said stop, the cabbie, he jumps out of the cab and goes strolling among the tombstones with this guy. Shit man--I can’t even get an Uber driver to pull into 7-11 for a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos! Different times...different times. Without warning or even asking the cab driver if he’d like to hear a 113 minute story, the writer launches into a 113 minute story. “It was a town just like any other…” aaaand just like that we’re in the Waypoint Falls of 1962, which is super Norman Rockwelly; kids in propeller hats whizz up Main Street on their bicycles, the apothecary doffs his cap to the apple-polishing grocer who winks at the Italian tailor. You know the drill. Whenever a film is set in the early 1960’s I always wager a bet that there will be a scene where people crowd around a department store window to watch news of the Kennedy assassination. In this case--my wager is lost. Kennedy does not die...at least not in Lady in White.
At a farmhouse out in the sticks, we meet 9 year-old Frankie Scarlatti, played by man who still looks exactly the same as he did when he was 9 years-old Lukas Haas. Frankie lives with his dad, who is totally Moe Green from The Godfather (I made my bones when you were going out with cheerleaders!), and his grandparents, who are walking caricatures of Italian grandparents. They don’t speak a lick of English, either of them. They just run around the house screaming in unsubtitled Italian. His house feels like an Olive Garden during the lunch rush. I’m guessing there’s more than a little autobiography going on here as this film was written and directed by a guy by the name of Frank LaLoggia (no relation to deceased Opportunity Knocks star Robert The Loggia). Frankie and his older brother Geno, played by Jason Presson, the unfamous kid from the 1985 flick The Explorers, ride their bikes to school in a sequence that lasts about 90 minutes (note: apparently there’s a director’s cut with an extra THIRTY minutes...which is absolutely insane cuz the friggin’ movie already feels longer than Kenneth Brannagh’s unabridged Hamlet). Geno dumps Frankie in a puddle of wet cement but the kid just laughs it off like no big shakes. Wet cement!? I’da put a blade in Geno’s tires! Up in the schoolhouse, Halloween is in full effect: pumpkins are carved, candy corns sail through the air, Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers plays on an endless loop on the school’s one television set. Frankie, who is dressed as Frankenstein (get it?), is summoned to stand up in front of the class and read an original short story called The Beast Who Ate London. Regular goddamn Howie P Lovecraft, this little Frankie (minus the abject racism). I guess this also means that Frankie is the guy narrating the movie. That was totally not 100% clear...but...you know...I kinda figured. Frankie’s story is hella scary but the other boys in the class make fun of him…’cuz they’re dicks. That’s cool though--the cute girl in the angel costume hits Frankie with the googly eyes and tells him she wishes she was as weird as he is. I’m thinking it’s on like Donkey Kong between these two but nope--she is never seen again! Also--they are 9. So there’s that. Frankie tries to head home after school but is impeded by these two asshole classmates Donnie and Louie. We know they are assholes because one of them says the friggin’ N-word! Good god, man! They tell Frankie that he left his hat in the cloakroom. Why Frankie does not know that he left his own hat in the cloak room, we do not know. I actually had to look up the word “cloakroom” as this is the only time I have heard it used outside of the film Trading Places. Turns out--it’s a closet. Frankie grabs his cap but the two little dickheads lock him in the closet and split. So that’s a shit sandwich on any night but PARTICULARLY on Halloween. Frankie wants to be out crushing Bit-O-Honey’s and watching Pumpkinhead with the rest of the kids!
Frankie curls up into a ball and tries to drift off to sleep. The narrator pops up to draw in some deets for us: “I heard the familiar toll of the bells and drifted off to sleep...but Hallows Eve chilled me to the bone.” First off--anyone who refers to Halloween as Hallows Eve is a pretentious motherfucker and no one I want to know. Second--is he still talking to the cabbie!? I hope that dude left the meter running! Frankie dreams of his mother’s funeral...so in case you didn’t already know: his moms is toe up. He wakes up to find the ghost of a young girl conversing with an unseen presence through the door of the cloak room. The unseen presence starts to sing “Did You Ever See a Dream Walking” by Bing Crosby, which causes the little ghost girl to cry and call for her mommy. Something grabs her by the throat and murders her horribly right in front of Frankie, who is scared shitless. Me? I’m not NOT scared! Frankie hears something fall into the heating grate on the cloakroom floor. And then...and then a REAL non-ghost man enters the cloakroom and tries to pry open that heating grate I just told you about. Frankie tries to remain quiet but a rat crawls up his leg and starts nibbling on his balls. What’s a kid to do but scream!? The man grabs Frankie, throws him on the ground, and starts strangling him to death. The narrator takes over: “I was dying. I saw myself flying over town.” I don’t know about y’all but I’m not really worried about this kid dying as he is NARRATING THE SCENE as an adult. Frankie flies over town and lands in Cherita Chen’s “Autumn Angel” set from Donnie Darko. There’s a ton of fake trees and glitter falling from the sky and shit. A good chunk of the rest of the movie takes place in this bizarro low budget backlot woods. Since they couldn’t afford actual special effects they just went out and bought a assload of colored gels to put over the camera lens. The time of day always seems to be half past orange. Anyway, half dead Frankie lands at a cemetery where he finds the little girl he just witnessed being murdered. She introduces herself as Melissa and says that she would like some help finding her mommy. Before Frankie can say yay or nay to this big ask he’s jolted back to life, where his dad is attempting to resuscitate him on the floor of the cloakroom. There’s a bunch of cops and paramedics standing around but they apparently waited for the kid’s dad to try to bring him back from the dead?? Shit.
Frankie gets sent home to convalesce with little more than a neck brace. Neck braces: good for whiplash AND botched strangulations! The local po po arrest the school’s black janitor ‘cuz this movie is racist as shit (but also anti racism? Frankie’s dad watches a news report about segregation-related violence at one point and seems bummed about it. Maybe just stay in your lane and stick to the scares, folks). Here’s the thing though: the janitor didn’t just attack Frankie. He’s also a serial killer with ten dead kiddo’s on his kill sheet! First I’m hearing of this serial killer...you? Ghost Melissa was the killer’s first victim! So what? So let’s dance! I don’t know, dudes--things get awfully confusing from here on out. Frankie’s dad sits around with his pals Phil and Other Guy Whose Name I Forgot and has a super long conversation about how he thinks the janitor is innocent. His pals do NOT think the janitor is innocent. I’m thinking we are only meeting these characters because one of them is the real killer (note: I am correct. You can probably go ahead and stop reading now). Frankie keeps seeing Melissa’s ghost is his dreams and she keeps leading him to this janky cabin perched on a cliff above the ocean* (I’m pretty sure this movie was filmed in Rochester NY...but I guess the great lakes look oceany from the right angle). Frankie asks about the house on the cliffs and is told to stay away from there as the area is haunted by the lady in white. I was wondering when we were going to get around to that since it’s, you know, the TITLE OF THE MOVIE! Eventually Christmas rolls around at the Scapaglia’s sing Dominick the Italian Donkey and sip anisette and shove cannolis in their faces. Frankie’s grandpa tries to drown himself in the bathtub because his wife won’t let him smoke cigarettes. They go to church, where they see the janitor’s wife and children spat on by the guilt-stricken parents of his victims. I mean...that tracks. Maybe find a new church...at least until the damn trial.
Frankie leads those jerkoff racist kids out to the house on the cliff where they encounter an apparition of a lady in white. But then there’s also another lady in white who isn’t an apparition?? And also much older? And also Mona from Who’s the Boss?? This shit doesn’t even make crazy sense! Frankie convinces his brother to go out to the cliffs...where they see the younger lady in white wailing for Melissa before throwing herself off of the cliff. Ok, so that makes a bit more sense then….but just a bit. As best as I can tell--the events surrounding Melissa’s murder repeat themselves in some sort of inbetween ghost world that is only visible to Frankie and whomever happens to be riding shotgun with him at the moment….EVERY GODDAMN NIGHT! But….but….what about all of the other murders?? Are they not rerun worthy?? Frankie and Geno break into the cloakroom and pull the lid off of the grate and discover a class ring. Frankie immediately brings the ring to the attention of his dad, who simply locks it away in his don’t look in my trunk...thus ensuring this movie will run on for another 30 minutes at the very least. Papa Braciole also tells Frankie that they’re releasing the janitor due to insufficient evidence. He walks out of jail with his head held high...which is awesome...and then one of the victim’s mothers puts a bullet in him...which is less awesome. You know what’s even less awesome than all that?? The bullet exits his body and plants itself in his wife...who also dies!! Sweet lord in heaven and all 12 of the apostles!
Eventually Geno decides to crack into the old man’s trunk and fish out the class ring from the cloakroom. It’s got initials on it and, wouldn’t you know, they belong to PHIL! Actually you do already know ‘cuz I already done told you like two paragraphs ago. (Side note: Phil’s last name is Terragrossa...because everyone in this movie is Italian as fuck). So that’s all well and good...except for the fact that this information comes to light when Phil is out teaching Frankie how to shoot a bow and arrow! Oh dayyum! Cut to: that. Phil and Frankie are engaging in a little harmless archery….but when they start to pack up the car to head home Phil starts to whistle that Bing Crosby song! Dude, never whistle your trademark murder song! You don’t see Jason Voorhees standing around humming “cha cha cha….kill kill kill”. Dead giveaway, right? Frankie panics and tries to lock himself in the car but Phil goes bananas and shows his teeth. “OPEN THE DOOR'' he screams, face screwed up like a werewolf. It’s wicked scary! Frankie frees himself and runs into a part of the woods that looks like a set from a Lita Ford video. Also--it is suddenly nighttime. Phil gives chase and apologizes for the strangling. “I didn’t know it was you, kid! You had that Frankenstein mask on! I try to make it a rule not to kill the children of my old high school buddies!” Phil says that he won’t hurt Frankie if he’ll just return the class ring (that he doesn’t have). I mean--are we really gonna believe this prick?? Dude’s a stone cold serial killer. Prolly have his own podcast in about 30 years! Phil chases Frankie to the cabin on the cliffs and tries to strangle him again but Who’s the Boss lady knocks him out (Phil, not the kid). She carries him in the house where there’s something like 10000 candles lit and WHAT THE FUCK ever happened to the narrator!?? He stopped narrating like an hour ago! Is no one concerned? Maybe that cabbie got sick of listening to his flowery jibber jabber and strangled him to death. Anyway--it turns out Who’s the Boss is not the titular Lady in White...but, in fact, the lady in white’s sister! Melissa’s aunt! She’s also not a ghost. We know this because Phil wakes up and beats her to death (which...I guess...makes her a ghost now, right?). The cabin goes up in flames cuz candles and Phil and Frankie run outside where they try to throw each other off of the cliff. While this is happening Melissa’s ghost is reunited with her mother’s ghost (just don’t even ask why at this point) and they transform themselves into two glowing light pods and blast off into outer space. (If they made a Lady in White 2 set in outer space I would possibly watch it). Mr Scarlatti shows up in the nick of time and pulls Frankie to safety. He even offers to pull Phil to safety! That’s a severely loyal pal right there...offering a helping hand to a dude who tried to murder his own son...like...THREE TIMES! Phil weighs his options and decides plunging to his death on the rocks below is probably better than whatever is waiting for him up above. And you know? He’s probably right...so that’s what he does. So that’s that. Everyone lives happily ever after. I mean...except for the janitor’s kids. They are shit out of parents. Happy Halloween, everybody.