Holy crapping crap, you guys--I don’t even know where to begin with this hour and forty minute infomercial on the importance of materialism and being a rich white person. Here’s what happened: Shelley Long was on Cheers....which was successful like whoa. She also made some decent flicks...like The Money Pit. That flick is aces. In 1987 she decided to quit Cheers and make more movies. She was offered Working Girl and Troop Beverly Hills. She chose the latter. Working Girl won a shit ton of Oscars. Troop Beverly Hills currently holds an 8% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. How bad is it? Ho man! I went into it thinking it was a movie where a Girl Scout troop gets lost in the woods and is stalked by a bear and has to be rescued by a team of Boy Scouts. I don’t know what the fuck movie THAT is but oh lord do I wish I was watching it instead of Troop Beverly Hills. Here’s what happens: Shelley Long plays a shit ass rich Beverly Hills housewife whose husband, played by Craig T Nelson (whaddup Coach!), is divorcing her because she is addicted to shopping. This is not a joke. He’s like “all you care about is shopping!” and she’s all “that’s not true!” Then she goes out and buys $50000 worth of shoes. She decides she’ll try to prove to her husband that she’s not just a vapid, bottomless well of shit. How will she do that? By becoming a den mother to her daughter’s girl scout troop. (Except in this movie they call it the Wilderness Girls because I’m sure the Girl Scout people read this script and told them to take the word Girl Scout right out they damn mouths). The daughter is played by none other than former Rilo Kiley frontwoman Jenny Lewis (And the talking leads to touching...and the touching leads to sexxxx...). She invites all of her little friends over to their mansion for a troop meet-up. They are all as white as freshly fallen cocaine...save for one black girl...who is introduced in a scene where her family is getting pulled over by the LAPD. Real nice, guys. Shelley Long tries to take the troop camping but they are all “the out of doors ain’t baller” so they leave the woods and check in to the Beverly Willshire and order sushi and caviar and guzzle cappuccino like a bunch of goddamn jerks. This ruffles the feathers of the president of the Wilderness Girls...played by Betty Thomas...director of the Howard Stern Private Parts movie. Betty Thomas wants these Beverly Hills bitches gonzo. Instead of eating a slice of humble pie...at every turn in this movie...when confronted with her own terribleness...Shelley Long just decides to ratchet up the awfulness. She enters the troop in a cookie drive and promises to outsell all of the other girls from normal-ish places like Culver City and Sherman Oaks. When the girls don’t have any luck going door to door they do what any reasonable girl scout troop would do: they erect a stage in front of the Cartier store on Rodeo Drive and play an impromptu concert like U2 did for that one song back when. They play an original song called “Cookie Time” that is sung by the little black girl in a Tina Turner wig. It is truly a special kind of terrible. Shelley Long also throws them a cookie party where the guest list includes Dr Joyce Brothers and Robin Leech...who explains “It’s time for cookie dreams!” Then he drops dead. (Ok...he just died last week...but I like to think this movie had something to do with it). OF COURSE they outsell all of the other girls. BUT...they still gotta compete in some sort of hiking obstacle course called the jamboree so they can win....a trophy? It’s never clear why shits are given about any of this. People be like “you can’t go into the woods, Shelley Long, you get lost in your own closet!” Betty Thomas tries to sabotage them every step of the way but then falls and breaks her leg. Will troop Beverly Hills help her or will they leave her out there with the “lonely, hungry mountain men” (direct quote. gross dudes). They rescue Betty Thomas and win the jamboree but Tori Spelling steals their trophy. So no trophy....but Coach is like “you walked through the woods for 10 minutes...I think you are a good person now....let’s get back together!” So that’s all well and good...but Betty Thomas gets fired from the Wilderness Girls and has to go work at K-Mart and we are supposed to laugh at this because having a real blue collar-type job is something to be mocked for. The end.
*originally posted september 14, 2018