September 2, 2017
In addition to holding sixth-degree black belt in aikido, Steven Seagal also reveals another talent in Hard to Kill; combining the cutting-down of bad guys with cuttingly funny one-liners.” That’s not me talking (I would never use so much cutting in one sentence)...that’s how Warner Bros. decided to try to sell the second feature film from sexual harassment yoda and world’s most awkward runner Steven Seagal. It’s also completely inaccurate. It’s like the producers saw Die Hard and Total Recall and said “hey, maybe you should crack some jokes after snapping dudes necks instead of standing there like a total creep.” I think he maybe says “fuck you and die” after decapitating a guy with a pool cue at one point but that’s about it. Anyway...about this flick: Seagal plays a supercop who, at the outset of the movie, records a conversation where a crooked senator and dude who plays Death in Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey hires a hitman to knock off a political rival. That should be mad props for Seagal, right, but you see all the other cops in this movie are dirtier than dirt. He heads home to unwind with his wife and son...but the filthy cops got other plans for him (womp womp). Seagal and his wife are about to ball and then a bunch of dudes with shotguns bust into the room....which is the worst possible time to be busted in on by dudes with shotguns! They are both pumped full of lead. They also kill the son...or do they!? Does Hard to Kill-ness run in the family?? Cut to the hospital where the one other good cop in this movie, Officer Koharski from Wayne’s World, gets word that Seagal is down for the big sleep. A few minutes later a nurse comes in and says “grah hah hah we are the worst hospital ever your pal is actually still alive.” Koharski can just tell the other piggies are all crooked so he tells the hospital they are going to tell everyone Seagal never came back from the dead. They are all “sure, we don’t have any sort of protocols in place at this hospital...have fun with your veggie pal.” Seven years go by and Seagal is still in a coma at some secret coma hospital. But I got a feeling he’ll be awake and OUT FOR JUSTICE real soon...and later still...UNDER SIEGE from a million sexual misconduct allegations. His nurse is Weird Science star Kelly LeBrock...which is cool. She checks his vitals and then lifts his blanket, looks at his prick, and says “GOD, I hope you wake up soon!”....which is NOT COOL (GAH!!!). Seagal hears this and thinks “maybe I should wake up now and marry this woman and make a weird wine video someday.” So that’s exactly what he does. He sees on the TV that George HW Bush is now president and is all “holy shit...what happened??” and I’m like “go sleep another 26 years and THEN see who is president, bro!” Kelly LeBrock is like “oh shit you are alive I better call the good guys to come get you” but of course she calls the bad guys by mistake and they come kill everyone in the hospital. Even though he’s been in a coma for 7 years Seagal is able to escape by pushing himself around with a broom in his hospital bed. I mean...I can barely lift a cup of coffee after a 7 hour sleep...but...whatever you say, dudes. Kelly LeBrock manages to hustle him into her mustang and drive him off to the secret dojo in Ojai that she just happens to be house sitting at. It’s like a Benihana but with free weights and a treadmill. Dude does a shit ton of acupuncture on himself and there’s the obligatory exercising/regaining strength montage...like the one in Rocky 4 but with less snow and a shittier soundtrack. He also hooks it up with Kelly LeBrock in a scene that goes exactly like this: Seagal is finishing the last rep of a strenuous workout...Lebrock enters holding a flower...”I brought you a flower” she says....they fuck. Seriously, that’s all you people could come up with?? So....Seagal is back in fighting shape and he heads back to the city to kill all the bad guys and all that happy horseshit. I get bored and my mind starts to wander and I start to think about all of the crazy shit Steven Seagal has done since this movie came out. Did you know that he put out an album that has a song called “Alligator Ass” on it? Did you also know that Stevie Wonder plays on said album? (yes...that Stevie Wonder...the Innervisions guy). ANYWAY...Seagal is reunited with his son (shocker) and Officer Koharski in turned into swiss cheese. Seagal kills like 25 bad guys but turns the crooked senator over to the police...who make tons of “raped in prison jokes” (why that...always?). Seagal puts his arm around his son and LeBrock and says “I think it’s time for a vacation!” and they are all like “you just killed 25 people...so maybe take a shower and set up an appointment with a therapist first, aye?” The end.