October 26, 2018
So...back in 2012 I went camping with a bunch of my co-workers. Before we left they said “hey daddy-o, can you score us some reefer for the trip..since you know a reefer man.” See me...I don’t smoke reefer...not since that time I got high and went to see the Robin Williams movie What Dreams May Come and was thoroughly confused and ate too many Butterfingers and threw up next to the Ground Round in Cleveland Circle afterwards. Although my therapist DOES keeps telling me to try jazz cigarettes...so who knows? Anyway...I got the reefer...but I don’t know how to handle that stuff! So I found this plastic case for the 1989 horror film Cutting Class and put the ganja in there and off we went. The entire time we were camping I A) Kept expecting to be murdered by a masked madman and B) Kept thinking how confused the police would be to find a VHS copy of the 1989 film Cutting Class among our mutilated bodies. Anyway...the reefer got smoked and I brought the case back home and re-inserted the tape and put it on the shelf where I continued to not watch it....until today! I’m thinking the only reason why anyone remembers this movie (I mean...do they?) is because it stars Brad Pitt. The guy from the movie Seven. The Brad Pitt who married Angelina Jolie and adopted 17 kids. Him. He’s in this. So...typical bullshit movie here: the students at Anytown USA High are unnerved by the return of Brian, a kid who has spent the last six years locked up for murdering his father (Note: only six years?). Virgin Paula’s dad is the DA who put Brian away (and didn’t do a very good job, amirite?). He’s also actor Martin Mull..which means he’s also Colonel Mustard from Clue...which is awesome. Colonel Mustard decides that this is a good time to go hunting and leave Paula home alone for the weekend. Totally makes sense. Colonel Mustard goes hunting in a smoke machine-filled movie backlot swamp and is immediately shot to death by bow and arrow. Back home, Paula is trying to fend off the endless aggressive advances of her jerk ass jock boyfriend Dwight...played by that Pitt guy. He’s like “your dad is gone for the weekend....time to BALL, babe!” He also mentions that he likely has a bigger penis than her dad...apropos of nothing. She’s all “we can’t ball until you start getting better grades!” So she goes to school where she is asked to nude model for the art class and forced to try on a cheerleader outfit and bend over for the school principal, Roddy McDowall. It’s all super fucking icky. Oh, and then there’s Brian...fresh outta the nuthouse...who appears to have a crush on Paula...because he follows her around making serial killer faces at her. Brian is played by Donovan Leitch...who is the son of 60’s folk singer Donovan....and also the brother of Ione Skye. That means that Ione Skye is Donovan’s daughter!? I did not know that until now! Anyway...back to this stupid ass movie. People start getting killed left and right and it’s pretty clear that Brian is doing the killing. It’s all super low budget and poorly put together. Sometimes it’s hard to even tell what’s happening during the murder scenes...like when the gym teacher has an American flagpole jammed up his ass. There’s also a bunch of cutaways of Colonel Mustard....who is NOT DEAD....trying to run his way out of the backlot swamp...and onto the set of a better movie. Paula starts to suspect that maybe Brad Pitt is doing the killing...since he’s such a prick...and there’s also a red herring about the asshole janitor...who I liked when I thought he was being played by John Doe from X...only to find out that it was not John Doe from X. Brian gets expelled from school when he tells the principal he’d rather suck a donkey’s dick than study for his math test. I gotta admit...I chuckled a little at that line. So yeah....Brian is the killer after all. There’s a chase scene that goes on forever but Paula and Brad Pitt eventually saw Brian to pieces in shop class. Colonel Mustard finally makes his way back home after weeks with no food or water and an arrow in his chest and says “I hope you haven’t been Cutting Class!” Freeze Frame. Movie ends. Don’t do drugs.