October 19, 2018
Back in the late 80’s/early 90’s there used to be a place called Showbiz Video in the basement on the CVS on Grafton Street in Worcester. It’s completely walled off now...no sign of there ever having been a business in there...but back when I was growing up....when all the other kids were outside tossing the football around and doing normal-kid type stuff...I would park myself in front of the horror section at the windowless Showbiz trying to pick a movie to ruin sleep for me for yet another night. I would stay until the lady who ran the joint...and who would chain smoke Benson & Hedges all day everyday...would say “honey, whaddya movin’ in? Just pick somethin’ already!” Since I couldn’t Imdb shit in 1988 I just had to pick the VHS box that looked the scariest. But C.H.U.D.? I always thought C.H.U.D. looked way too scary! I mean...look at that shit!? I figured since I’m 40 now and all I might be able to handle C.H.U.D. so I checked it out last night. And you know...it’s not that scary. What happens is this: It’s 1984 and NYC is all groady and shit. Most of the action takes place on the same street where I drank a $25 glass of Chenin Blanc last year...but none of that stuff is going down in this flick. This is Bernie Goetz NYC. At the beginning of the flick a manhole opens up and spews blood and swallows up a woman and her dog. That used to happen when I worked in the North End all the time so again....not that scary. John Heard (aka Mr. McCallister from Home Alone) is a washed up fashion photographer who now photographs the homeless. He hears that mad street people are being swallowed up by underground creatures or some shit. He’s encouraged to get in touch with the owner of a soup kitchen, played by Danny Stern (aka Marv the Wet Bandit from Home Alone). Let’s pause for a second: Mr McAllister and Marv the Wet Bandit from Home Alone are the starts of C.H.U.D.!! Do you think they sat around that fancy house in John Hughesville, IL and looked at each other and said “DUDE....this beats the shit out of C.H.U.D., right??” Actually now that I think of it Mr. McCallister and Marv don’t have and scenes together. And Marv IS nearly murdered by Macaulay Culkin...who is almost as scary as a C.H.U.D. in his own little way. I also remember that John Heard got into some trouble for beating his girlfriend and then I’m surprised to find out that the girlfriend in question is Melissa Leo! She went on to win an Oscar. He died alone in a hotel room. There’s karma’s payment for you. ANYWAY...Stern and Heard catch the ear of a sympathetic cop named Bosch who vows to help get to the bottom of this underground what have you. 40 minutes in we still haven’t really seen any monsters but....OPE!...a C.H.U.D. finally eats this random kid’s grandpa out of a phone booth. It’s like a z-grade Jaws: don’t show the shark until halfway through the flick! I dig it. The kid goes to the police and is all “a monster ate my grandpa” so the police go see some EPA types who admit that they have been dumping toxic waste into the abandoned tunnels below the city and the waste has been turning the homeless people into Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers!!! They are like “really, we don’t see why this is a problem?” These dudes totally work for Trump now...I can just tell. Problem is the homeless population is decimated and C.H.U.D.’s gotta eat, right? So they decide to pump the tunnels full of gas and blow up all of the C.H.U.D’s and probably part of the city too. One of the politicians says “we can’t destroy the city!” and the other dude says “don’t worry...it’s just SOHO.” Umm...clearly you gentlemen haven’t ordered the grand shellfish platter at Balthazar. Anyway...Heard and Stern get trapped underground where they come across a room full of C.H.U.D’s who are just chilling. They are mad scary up close. Their eyes light up and their faces are made up of boogers. The C.H.U.D.’s also attack Heard’s girlfriend in the shower but she chops their heads off. It’s wicked gnarly. Eventually Bosch rescues Stern and Heard from the sewer but is then shot through the heart by the evil EPA guy (but somehow survives? I don’t know, dudes). The EPA guy accidentally blows himself up so the gas is turned off and the city is saved and everyone is all high fives and smiles. But dudes....am I the only one who is thinking....what about all of the fucking C.H.U.D. MONSTERS???? Cut to: a diner. Two policemen enter...one of which is a skinny and not yet famous John Goodman! They order coffee and make small talk...and then....BAM....50 friggin’ C.H.U.D’s come crashing through the windows and eat everyone in sight. I mean, DUH! The movie ends.