october 12, 2018
Fun Halloween drinking game alert! Watch Poltergeist III and every time someone shouts “Carol Anne” take a drink...and by the end of the movie YOU’LL be a Poltergeist ‘cuz they yell that shit like 5000 times in 90 minutes. So y’all know the original Poltergeist; the dude from Coach builds a bunch of houses on an Indian burial ground and the ghosts are none too pleased about it so they kidnap his daughter Carol Anne through the television...which is somehow a portal to “the other side”. Eventually this little over-emoting actress named Zelda Rubenstein shows up with some ghost hunters and they manage to pull Carol Ann back through the TV. The house implodes but the Freeling family manages to escape and live happily ever after. Except for the eldest Freeling daughter (Dominique Dunne) who is strangled to death by her boyfriend in real life. Then came 1986’s Poltergeist II....which found the Freeling family on the run from an insane ghost preacher named Kane. The family survives again....but the actor who plays Kane dies of cancer in real life (I’m starting to smell a trend here). At the open of Poltergeist III we find that Carol Anne has been shipped off to live with her aunt and uncle in the Hancock Tower in Chicago. Original ma and pa Freeling (Craig T Nelson and Jo Beth Williams) are dying.....to not be in any more Poltergeist movies! Heyyyo! No they just think their kid is bad juju so she now lives with Tommy Skerritt and Robocop sidekick Nancy Allen. Not a bad switcheroo if you ask me. They also have a teen daughter played by Lara Flynn Boyle who goes by the name of Donna...which is also Lara Flynn Boyle’s name in Twin Peaks...which also made me wish I was watching Twin Peaks instead. Anyway...there’s no set up or backstory whatsoever. From the jump Carol Anne starts seeing the evil preacher Kane in the building’s mirrors...of which there are many. Dude followed her out to Chi-Town! Uncle Tom Skerritt lives and works in the building and he also appears to, like, own the building? It’s not quite clear...but when the ghost shows up it gets really cold and he’s the dude who can grab a walkie talkie and bark at someone to check the HVAC sitch. True story: this is also the building where Chris Farley died and I kept thinking about how much more amusing it would be if that ghost was Chris Farley. Like every time Carol Anne looked in the mirror there was Farley yelling “Holy Schneikies!!!!” Alas...Farley still had a good 9 years to live...which is more than I can say for the girl who plays Carol Anne (womp...womp...wahhhhng). ANYWAY....Carol Anne attends a a special school for children who have been sucked into television sets. There she is repeatedly ridiculed by the other children and attends sessions with this dickhead therapist who says it’s his job to “intimidate her back to reality”. Good luck with that, bro. Back at the building Aunt and Uncle are headed downstairs for some rich white people gala so the leave Carol Anne with Lara Flynn Boyle...who leaves Carol Anne alone so she can break into the rooftop pool with her horny-ish friends and maybe ball this neighbor dude. Before they can get to the gettin’ though they see on the security cameras (don’t ask) that Carol Anne has escaped to the parking garage. They find her down there but before they can bring her back some monster hands emerge from a puddle and pull all three of them down....into the puddle. Gotta watch out for those puddles, man. Tom Skerritt shows up at the pool to find out what the eff is going on and finds it covered in ice. Seconds later to pool barfs up the dude from next door...who is fine but...you know...cold. He tells them that Kane has got the girls! Luckily Zelda Rubenstein shows up and fondles her necklace and yells “Carol Anne” 983 times and squeaks on and on about how the girls are on the other side and you need to bring them back from the other side...and thanks a lot for getting that terrible Red Hot Chili Peppers Song “The Other Side” stuck in my head! Dr. Dickhead from the school shows up to tell them this is all bullshit but then BAM!....Lara Flynn Boyle explodes out of Zelda Rubenstein’s mid section! I don’t know about y’all...but I figure having Lara Flynn Boyle explode out from inside of you MUST be a terrible way to die. At this point Nancy Allen is all let this bitch stay in the netherworld and let’s check into the Palmer House. I know she’s kin and all but.. Tom Skerritt isn’t having it so he pulls Nancy Allen into The Otherside....which is like the upsidedown from Stranger Things but mad cold. Also, LFB and the dude next door turn into demons and murder Dr. Dickhead. This isn’t really addressed again in the rest of the movie so...there’s that I guess. In the Otherside they find Zelda Rubenstein (who is not dead now??) who offers to sacrifice herself and show Kane the light so that Carol Anne can finally be un-haunted. There’s this big battle on a window washer crane although I’m not sure who is battling whom and for what! Tom Skeritt takes Kane’s head off with a shovel and I guess the squeaky lady shows him the light...whatever that means. Everyone lives happily ever after. Eeeeee....except for the actress who plays Carol Anne...who dies before this movie even hits theaters. A trend...definitely....