October 5, 2018
You ever wonder how your life would’ve turned out had you made a different decision at a critical juncture? (of course you do). I often wonder how my own life would’ve turned out had I gone to see Dr. Giggles instead of Candyman that fateful night back in October of 1992. So...my parents did not want me to watch scary movies...because of their scariness, you dig? I was always coming home with a stack of Chopping Mall or Return to Horror High or Prom Night 2: Hello Mary Lou and scaring the ever loving shit out of myself. I had horrible nightmares and couldn’t sleep without a light on until I was....well...I still need a goddamn nightlight. I would also try to leave my television on...which infuriated my mother to no end. (Here I’d like to point out that the television in my mother’s house now runs 24/7 for the dog’s enjoyment). Anyway...for my 14th birthday I was allowed to go see a horror movie at Showcase Downtown Worcester (now the Hanover Theater). It was an easy choice between Dr. Giggles and Candyman...because Dr. Giggles looked friggin’ terrible. But after we bought the tickets and went into the theater I started to have second thoughts. Dr. Giggles was sold out...the theater was packed and rowdy. There were only 3 solo dudes in the theater showing Candyman. I started to feel like we were missing out on something...but on we went to see Candyman. And you know....it scared the fucking SHIT out of me. Not only was I terrified of the movie...I also started to suspect that one of the other dudes in the theater was the actual Candyman. Now I couldn’t sleep for months. In fact...I’m STILL AWAKE!!! To this day every time I see bees I think “oh shit...the motherscratchin’ Candyman is coming!!!” So now...some 26 years later...I decided it was finally time to see what Dr. Giggles is all about. When I picked up the VHS box I saw that the score was performed by Brian May of Queen...which is awesome. I also saw that the back jacket describes the movie’s star Larry Drake as the “retarded page boy from LA Law”...which is less awesome. Dr. Giggles is about a doctor who giggles while he kills people. The reasons for this are not explained until about an hour into the movie’s 96 minute running time. I sat there the entire time confused as shit with so many questions. Why is this dude killing people? Did the person who wrote this movie take a screenwriting class? Why is he always giggling? Like...what’s so funny, motherfucker? As we learn near the END of the movie...there was this small town doctor who went on a murderous, heart-snatching rampage back in the 1950’s after losing his wife to a mysterious heart condition. The townspeople stone the doctor to death in the town square (I mean...that’s what they say, anyway. This isn’t shown on screen). Before he’s captured he takes his only son and sews him into the corpse of his dead wife. How he breathes in there we do not know. What I do know is that a traumatic event like that will fuck...you...UP! I thought I had some crazy stuff to tell my therapist! The kid escapes by slicing his way out of the body with a scalpel. It is way nasty. He’s sent to a mental hospital for kids who have been sewn into corpses but, years later, he murders his way out of there and returns to the town to seek revenge on the townspeople’s children, a la Fred Krueger. So we’re introduced to the town’s horny-ish teenagers...who all look at least 36 year old. They are done with school for the summer and ready to rage...except poor Jenny...who has mitral valve prolapse or some shit. Character development is non-existent. There’s the black couple. They are killed first. There’s the super horny couple. They don’t even get to ball before Dr. Giggles cuts the dude’s dick off (to be fair...he was about to pretend he was wearing a condom when he wasn’t...so fair play I say). It was at this point in the movie that I noticed a distinct lack of layered guitar solos in the score...so I pulled out my phone and learned that the Brian May who made the soundtrack is NOT THE ONE FROM QUEEN!! Man, what a gyp! Anyway...Dr. Giggles starts to come after Jenny because she has the same heart condition that killed his mother. He kills all of her friends and vacuums her step-mom’s innards out with a vacuum. Jenny tries to go to the cops but they are all “we sent that creep away years ago!” They are also murdered. Jenny goes into surgery for her heart problem but when she wakes up it’s Dr. Giggles doing the surgery! This happens...like...3 times. 3 surgery fake outs. There’s a bunch of chase scenes and blah blah blah. Jenny eventually defibrillates Dr. Giggles to death...but before he dies he looks directly into the camera and says “is there a doctor in the house?” Then boom...dead. Jenny lives happily ever after. I remain convinced that I made the right decision in going to see Candyman....Candyman....Candyman...AHH DON”T SAY IT 5 TIMES!!!!