Here’s something that actually happened: in the fall of 1999, when I was in my senior year at Emerson College, I spent a semester living in Los Angeles. The LA Program required students to hustle up an entertainment industry internship for school credit. I landed myself a gig with a Miramax-adjacent producer who shared office space with the late writer/producer Debra Hill. Hill created legendary silver screen boogeyman Michael Myers, which is awesome, and was also more terrifying to her underlings than all of the Halloween films combined, which is/was less awesome. Pity the poor SOB who brought Debbie the wrong Starbucks order! That motherfucker was gonna drive home on the 405 covered in soy latte and first degree burns. The fact that I didn’t actually work for her provided me with an immunity shield...but I still caught a few rations of rage here and there. One afternoon I was out grabbing lunch on the Third Street Promenade when I spotted Jamie Lee Curtis. I immediately ran back to the office and said “Hey Debra Hill!! I Just saw Jamie Lee Curtis walking out of Koo Koo Roo!” I figured she’d want to know because...you know...Halloween. She looked me up and down, walked into her office, and slammed the door. About two minutes later her assistant emerged and told me that it was probably a good idea if I avoided so much as making eye contact with Debra. Duly noted! Eventually the ice thawed a bit after I told her how much I loved The Fisher King, which she also produced. She let me and one of my fellow interns fill out her AFI Top 100 Comedies of All Time ballot if we promised to sprinkle some of her films on the list. You mean like Clue and Adventures in Babysitting?? Those flicks are BOMB! You got it, lady! In the middle of October she received a box full of random Halloween merch with John Carpenter’s signature on it. She was supposed to add her John Hancock so the merch could be distributed to some lucky so and so’s. Debra asked all of the interns in the office if anyone would be interested in learning how to forge her signature so she could go out shopping for clogs (she loved yellow clogs...I don’t know what else to tell you...). Hey, anything to get me out of taking my bosses’ dog to the dog wash! So somewhere out there...someone has a Halloween poster or VHS or black and white photo signed by yours truly. Facts!
Anyway, we’re actually here today to discuss the 1988 fan favorite sequel Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers. This film was my first exposure to the Halloween franchise and it scared me to the point where I was afraid to sleep...for YEARS! My parents brought me to the doctor to see if there was anything he could do to help me sleep. He recommended they give me a tablespoon full of brandy every night before bed. He also smoked cigarettes in the examination rooms. I am 100% not kidding about any of this. Is Halloween 4 really that scary? I mean...sure. What was particularly terrifying was hearing about the events of Halloween’s 1 & 2 and having to visualize them with my 10 year-old imagination. I became irrationally afraid of Halloween (the holiday). Afraid of the boozy British character actor who played Dr Loomis (Donald Pleasance). I was even afraid to watch the Gregory Hines/Sammy David Jr tap dancing flick Tap because it was directed by the guy who played Michael Myers in the original Halloween!
There are, as of this writing, 13 Halloween films...and there’s really no other long-running film franchise that has asked its fans to constantly disregard the events of the previous films in the series. Jamie Lee Curtis’ character (Laurie Strode) has been killed off and resurrected twice. Halloween 4 star Danielle Harris, who plays Strode’s 10 year-old orphan daughter Jamie, was killed off after part 6 but Harris resurfaced in Rob Zombie’s ill-fated 2007 Halloween reboot as Nancy Kyes’ character Annie from the original Halloween. If this information makes your brain feel like it’s about to start leaking out of your ears, you are not alone. Timelines REALLY matter to horror nerds and the Halloween producers have not been gentle. There have been a lot of big asks over the decades. “Forget parts 3 through 7--here comes the real sequel to PART TWO!” What I have always pined for, however, is a proper sequel to parts 4 & 5. In fact, I even started writing my own screenplay for Part 6...but I was only 12 years-old and only got about two pages done. They were damn good pages, though. Fresh copy. Maybe I should revisit it soon. Of course, there is already a sequel to Part’s 4&5 called, you know, Part 6....but it is balls bad. It came out after a six year hiatus during which Miramax bought the franchise. And those Weinstein brothers....the fucked (up) everything. I think I read that there was an alternative version of Part 6 that’s actually good. I don’t know...maybe watch the Halloween documentary if you are actually interested in this shit (like me...clearly). Watching it today as a slightly less terrified grown ass middle aged man, I still think Part 4 is an extremely solid flick. It’s both a satisfying continuation of the series and an above average 80’s B-movie. It respects the source material and offers unridiculous new angles without trampling on the feelings of die hards. You know--the (mostly) dudes who hang out in their mom’s basements clipping articles out of Fangoria magazines and who go to Horror Con’s and wait in line to get their picture taken with Kane Hodder? Those folks.
Anyway, what happens in Halloween 4 is this: the film opens with an homage to the original: a pitch black, rain soaked night....a desolate country road...an ambulance cautiously approaching an insane asylum (it’s cool...it’s the 80’s...you can still say “insane asylum.” Or “looney bin” if you’d prefer). A pair of doctors exit the ambulance and approach the gate house. They tell the security guard that they have come to transport Michael Myers to a federal prison hospital. The security guard unlocks the gate and launches into a little refresher course for the unfamiliar (like 10 year-old me...at home...hiding under my waterbed). “Jeez--Michael Myers? He killed 16 kids on Halloween night back in ’78 trying to get to his sister. Nearly got her too. Luckily she survived and went topless in Trading Places just a few short years later.” He also mentions that Myers’ doctor shot him six times and set the two of them on fire. Here I need to throw a flag: I hadn’t seen Part 2 and didn’t know that Doctor Loomis didn’t merely light them on fire...he blew both of them to friggin’ smithereens! Part 2 ends with a shot of Michael Myers’ hollowed out skull slowly burning to a crisp. Completely unsurvivable! So even here...Part 4 is asking us to ignore the ending of Part 2 (Part 3, it should be noted, does not feature Michael Myers and should not be viewed by anyone). The security guard brings the doctors down to the basement boiler room, which is where they keep all of the super scary ass patients. Mops, cleaning supplies, Freddy Krueger’s fedora, and uber killers. Our boy Mikey has been comatose for an entire decade but he’s still wrapped up like a goddamn mummy. Would he still need to bandage his burns after 10 years? Wouldn’t that musty basement air be terrible for a burn victim?? The doctors start to roll the stretcher out to the ambulance and that’s when we hear it for the first time: John Carpenter’s Halloween theme! But it’s a late 80’s redux with tons of added kick drum and auxiliary percussion. A house remix of sorts. You could totally rave to it if you were so inclined. As the ambulance races through the night the doctors engage in some expository chit chat. Doctor 1: So does this Myers fella have any surviving relatives? Doctor 2: Just a niece back in Haddonfield. Michael Myers hears this and is all “humina humina humina WHAT NIECE???” He’s immobilized but all of this niece talk gets his blood flowing. Speaking of flowing blood--Michael Myers grabs one of the doctors and starts to bash his head against the wall. Then he jams his thumb all the way through the doctor’s forehead and into his brain...just to put an exclamation point on it.
Back in Haddonfield, said niece Jamie (still Danielle Harris) is up late with a severe case of the heebie jeebies. We learn that her mom was killed by Jamie Lee Curtis’s salary demands and she’s been shunted off to live with the Carruthers, a local foster family who have a high school-aged daughter named Rachel. Rachel tries to talk Jamie to sleep...but Jamie hides in her closet and looks at old pictures of JLC and wails “how dare you abandon me for A Fish Called Wanda??” Don’t worry, kid--your mom will be back in just three sequel’s time...but you’ll be written off by then...only to be resurrected in 2018...but played by Judy Greer of all people! Jamie says her prayers...now I lay me down and all the big hits...but Michael Myers is already in the house!!! OH WAIT!! It’s just a dream! I was gonna say! The next day, which is October 31st, y’all, Rachel tells her folks that she plans on spending the night balling her boyfriend Brady. Her parents tell her that their babysitter broke her spine and that Rachel will have to take Jamie trick-or-treating instead of having the sex. Rachel is mad bummed, natch.
Dr Loomis shows up at the insane asylum six Cutty Sark’s deep and starts to over-emote like a motherfucker. “You let them take it out of here?? The evil was taken away!??” he whisper/scream/slurs. The doctor on duty starts rolling his eyes, prompting Loomis to show off his burns which, honestly, don’t look all that bad. I bet Debra Hill’s interns have gnarlier scars from hurled cappuccinos. Loomis’ shitfaced Shakespearean soliloquy is interrupted by a ringing telephone. The ambulance...it has crashed! Aye Dios mio! The doctors race to the scene, where they find the ambulance upside down under a bridge, submerged in like six inches of water. Like, less water than Teddy Kennedy’s Oldsmobile. Even though the accident occurred at night and it is the following afternoon and there are dozens of first responders on the scene....NO ONE had looked inside of the ambulance yet. What the fuck have y’all been doing out there?? Collecting time and a half? Loomis asks if he can look inside the vehicle and they’re all “sure--better you than us! Get your fill.” Loomis peers into the blood spattered ambulance and screams “the evil is gone! You let him get away!” One of the cops standing ‘round says that Myers could’ve been thrown from the vehicle....that he’s seen bodies thrown up to 50 feet after bad crashes. Hey Columbo...maybe...I don’t know...go SEARCH THE AREA??? This missing dude has 16 kills under his belt! 19 if you count those poor bastards in the ambulance! Speaking of kills--Michael Myers somehow gets himself to a local gas station diner rest stop and murders the living shit out of everyone in the fricken joint. How nobody spotted an escaped serial killer wrapped in medical gauze from head to toe skulking up the highway we do not know. Unfortunately, Loomis wanders into this very same rest stop looking to wet his beak. Shoulda held out for a rest stop with a Sbarro, bro. Instead of coffee and Sambuca, Loomis finds about half a dozen bodies and cut phone lines. And in the kitchen? The Shape himself! One Michael Lindsay Myers (note: I don’t think MM has a middle name...but I feel like, if he did, it would be Lindsay). Michael is somehow already wearing his trademark Halloween killing mask. I don’t know...maybe they sold Halloween costumes next to the Pennzoil or something. Loomis pleads with Michael not to return to Haddonfield. Then he pulls out his pistol, Loomis does, and squeezes off six shots (‘cuz that worked so well back in ’78) but Michael is off like a Halloween costume. He blows up the gas station, steals a tow truck, cranks the Blue Oyster Cult, and sets the GPS for Haddonfield, IL. I know he’s, like, an evil monster and whatnot...but that’s gotta be the quickest coma recovery since Steven Seagal in Hard to Kill. And Michael Myers didn’t even have Kelly LeBrock on hand to perform acupuncture on him and shit.
Back in Haddonfield, Jamie’s school day has gone shithouse. Her classmates taunt her mercilessly for being an orphan, which is fucked up. They also rag on her for being the niece of the man who effectively butchered half of the town’s population...which is not NOT worth mentioning. Like...Jamie Lee Curtis’ brother killed 16 people in a small town and they never considered, I don’t know, MOVING AWAY?? You’d think all of this would dampen Jamie’s Halloween spirits on the forever tip but noooo--the kid still wants her foster sister to take her trick-or-treating. Rachel brings Jamie costume shopping at the town’s everything store...where Michael Myers’ tow truck is parked out front! Inside, we meet Rachel’s dude Brady, who is totally the kid who plays Donny in Dazed and Confused. Kid is blazin’ hot in a pinstriped blazer! He and Rachel vacuum each other’s mouths for a sec but then Rachel has to break off some bad news--she can’t Netflix and chill with him that night. Her little foster sister is a major C-block. Brady is irrationally angry. He’s all “why didn’t you text me...I thought we were gonna BANG!?” Rachel says she’ll call him later but Brady already has his eye on his raspy voiced co-worker Kelly Meeker, the sheriff’s daughter (ohhhh). While this little small town soap opera is playing out, Jamie wanders to the back of the store, where she takes a shine to a clown costume. As in...the same clown costume that a young Michael Myers donned before killing his original sister back in the original! Oh yeah--Michael Myers is in the store too! We see his hand reach over and grab a Michael Myers mask off the rack. First: we just saw him with that mask five minutes ago. Does he need a backup or something? That’s fair...those things get hella stinky after a couple of hours. Second: are they really selling masks of the masked murderer in the town where he did all of his murdering?? They don’t sell Ted Bundy masks at the Lake Sammamish concession stand, do they?? Jamie sees her Uncle Mickey and screams and breaks a mirror (7 years of baaaad luck). Brady and Rachel rush to her aid but Myers has already split the scene to rack up some extraneous kills.
And just like that it’s already Halloween night! This flick is 88 minutes long without an ounce of fat on it. Takes care of business, it does. While Rachel and Jamie head out to scare up some Charleston Chews, Michael Myers breaks into their house. He goes right for the closet, where he finds that box full of Jamie Lee Curtis pics. This seems to piss him off something awful. Not a big Prom Night fan, I take it. He kills the family dog. Doc Loomis finally arrives in town and stumbles into the police station, where he starts howling like a boozehound on payday. “Michael Myers has returned! Six bodies! A gas station in flames!! A child in danger!!” He finds a sympathetic in Sheriff Meeker, who is played by man who is Mike Starr’s brother, Beau. Meeker asks Loomis if there’s anything that can be done to avoid a repeat of Halloween ’78. Loomis says not really, no. They try to call in reinforcements but the town’s phone lines have already been disconnected. Michael Myers--mass murderer and tech whiz.
Rachel and Jamie knock on Sheriff Meeker’s door. Daughter Kelly opens the door looking all flustered, wearing a T-shirt that says “Cops Do it by the Book” and nothing else. Girl, don’t you know you gotta shut your porch light off if you don’t want to give out mini Peppermint Patties?? Rachel looks past Kelly to see Brady chilling by the fireplace with half a chub. She starts to run away but he runs after her. She’s like “what the actual fuck, dude??” and he’s all “well you blew me off this one time soooo...” Rachel is unimpressed. She tells Brady that she’ll let him get back to “Little Miss Hot Pants”. (Note: Kelly is not wearing pants of any kind). He’s like “sounds good to me!” He’s a real asshole, this Brady. I won’t shed a single tear when he’s inevitably murdered in the next half hour or so. While Rachel and Brady are arguing Jamie manages to slip off into the night. Man, Rachel’s night is just a bus ride from bad to worse! She eventually locates Jamie...so night saved, right? Wrong! Loomis and Meeker roll up on them and announce that they are being pursued by Jamie’s bloodthirsty uncle...and he ain’t in town to exchange pleasantries! It’s quickly determined that the police station is the safest place to weather the murder storm...so off they go.
Meanwhile over at the local tavern, a crowd of grizzled clock out drinkers and other assorted Stephen King townie cosplayers are busy getting happily hammered when they’re distracted by a special report on the TV (note—dig the Spuds MacKenzie doll next to the TV. He’s dead....right?). The police have issued a curfew and are asking all Haddonfield residents to shelter in place. If we’ve learned anything this year it’s that people HATE being told to stay indoors. The bartender immediately calls over to the police station but the phone just rings and rings. They decide to pile into their pickups to go see what's what. Luckily-ish, Loomis and Meeker beat them to the station. I say “ish” because, once inside, they find that Michael Myers, omnipresent motherfucker that he is, has gone ahead and slaughtered the whole damn police force. Nastily too. Dude’s are missing their heads and shit. “What kind of man would do this??” asks the sheriff. “He’s not a man, he’s evil!” Loomis says, just in case you didn’t hear him the first 30 times he told us that Michael Myers is evil. They exit the station to find a fleet of barfly-carrying pickup trucks assembled outside. They ask Meeker what in the Sam Hill is going on. He’s all “ohhh nothing....the fellas are just doing a little spring cleaning!” But Doctor McGillicuddy blurts it right out: “it’s Michael Myers and he has come home to kill!” The townies decide to arm themselves to the teeth and see about meting out a little vigilante justice. This whole renegade militia plot device really appealed to me back in ‘88. In 2020? Not so much. For example—the very first thing these yokels do is hunt down a kid in a Michael Myers mask and shoot him 75 times...only to find that he is just some kid in a Michael Myers mask. Quick aside—I know Myers is a callous monster, but he must feel a tiny twinge of pride seeing so many people dressed up like him for Halloween.
Back at the Meeker residence, Brady and Kelly are about to start balling. Kelly takes her t-shirt off and Brady says “I’m in heaven!” Hey! You will be soon enough, asshole! Before they can get to the gettin’, though, the sheriff busts through the door with all of the surviving cast members in tow. Brady thought he was about to get some and now he’s got his girlfriend, his goomah, and her daddy the sheriff all in the same room smelling their almost fuck fumes. The sheriff orders Brady to batten down the hatches (literally) and stations his last surviving deputy at the front door with a shotgun. While Rachel tries to put Jamie to sleep, the sheriff breaks out his old CB and attempts to radio neighboring towns for help. This whole claustrophobic set piece? Super effective! You know what’s less effective? Michael Myers-proofing the house. OF COURSE dude is already inside! He waits until Loomis and Meeker head out for coffee or whatever and then he decides to get his kill....ON! The cop guarding the front door is toast. Kelly Meeker is impaled with a shotgun (bye, Felicia). Brady tells Rachel and Jamie to run up to the attic and hide...because this is still a dumbass horror movie at the end of the day. Brady tries to fight Michael Myers with fists....but evil trumps fist every time. Myers crushes Brady’s fist into a fine powder and then squeezes his head until the spaghetti pops out. Rachel looks on and wails. She’s way bummed about her profoundly unfaithful not a boyfriend. You can do better than Brady, girl! Michael Myers just did you a solid. Might not feel that way tonight, but...
Now it’s time for the obligatory rooftop chase scene. Meh. Jamie is lowered to safety but Rachel is thrown from the roof. She “dies.” Loomis finds Jamie and suggests they’ll be safe if they hide out in the schoolhouse. And how does he access the schoolhouse? He smashes out a window, setting off the alarm, which rings incessantly and is loud as a bastard. He’ll never find y’all now! Excellent work, Captain Morgan. Myers tracks them down in about 20 seconds and launches Loomis through a glass door like the human-sized Weeble Wobble that he is. Jamie manages to escape to the parking lot, where she finds the townie militia. And also—Rachel. She’s no longer dead. The townies load the ladies into one of the trucks and they put Haddonfield in the rearview with the quickness. As they pass town limits they see a parade of state police cruisers rushing toward them. It looks like this night of terror is finally ov....OH SHIT!!...Michael Myers was under the truck this whole time! I mean come ahhhhn! He hops into the bed of the pickup and murders the three lookout dudes. Then he smashes the driver’s side window and rips the driver’s throat out. Ahh...the Patrick Swayze! I dig it. Rachel has to assume driving duties but it’s tough going with a killer on the roof continually stabbing downward. Rachel jacks the brakes and Myers flies off the roof and hits the pavement, where he rolls about 40 times but DOES NOT drop his knife! That’s some serious dedication to craft right there. Rachel puts the hammer down and crashes right into his solar plexus but nothing seems to phase this fricken guy! He struggles to his feet for another round but this time the militia is in position. They shoot him about 900 times (not an exact figure). He falls into the foundation of an abandoned substation...Swiss cheese for sure this time, right?? They’re gonna go check his vitals, right!???
Rachel and Jamie are finally returned to the Carruthers’, where they find Loomis with a bandaid on his head. Can’t kill that old sod either! Sheriff Meeker seems particularly relieved that everyone is safe. Did nobody remember to tell him that his daughter is back home mounted on the wall like a 12-point buck?? Mrs Carruthers goes upstairs to run a bath for Jamie, ‘cuz running from a masked monster all night will dirty you up something awful. But wait! The clown costume eyes suddenly slip over the camera! It’s the same POV shot that opened the original Halloween! Nice callback! Jamie arms herself with a pair of scissors and stabs the shit out of her foster mom. The evil....it’s in the bones! Shit is hereditary! Doctor Loomis hears the commotion and rushes to the stairs, where he finds Jamie holding the bloody scissors aloft. He starts to scream ”no no no” but it sounds more like “now now now” with his cocked cockney accent. He pulls out his pistol and points it up at Jamie. This crazy old motherfucker is actually gonna kill the kid! Meeker manages to knock him down before he can pull the trigger. The whole crew looks up at Jamie like “nope....not good....not good at all.” And BAM! The movie ends! Pretty awesome, huh? The movie....not this review. I feel like it’s just ok. So that’s it...until I get my hands on a VHS copy of Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers. Then we’ll chat some more. If you think Donald Pleasance was over the top here, my friends, you have no idea what’s in store for you. The end.