Alright y’all...some quick business to take care of before we begin. First: I should probably issue a Spoiler Alert but I’m not sure that it’s actually possible for one to spoil a David Lynch film...where up is sideways and the sound of hoofbeats in the distance means zebras, not horses. How can you spoil something when something is often nothing? Second: Over the years I have generally found that Twin Peaks either means everything to you or it doesn’t mean anything at all. People who are into Twin Peaks are INTO Twin Peaks. While I would describe my own personal level of fandom as “once took a two hour detour on my way to Seattle to look at Snoqualmie Falls and eat a stale slice of cherry pie at the Double R Diner even though I do not like cherry pie” I still probably don’t have all of my facts and figures straight...which is bound the rankle some of the more hardcore TP fans. Please forgive me if I can't recall the names of Jacques Renault’s two brothers at the drop of a hat (note: It’s Jean and Bernard Renault).
Here’s what happened: in the spring of 1990 David Lynch, the same cat who directed Eraserhead and Blue Velvet, somehow ended up convincing ABC to unleash a TV program he created with Mark Frost called Twin Peaks on folks who typically spent their Thursday evenings watching Cheers. If you are too young to remember 1990 this probably doesn’t sound like much to you...but I can assure you the premiere of this show was a seismic event. Obviously, there was no internet, no Netflix to stream, no original HBO series to watch. We just had the programming offered by the major networks...and they did NOT offer up shows like Twin Peaks. And yet...here was this bizarro cultural juggernaut that 11 year-old Danny Tebo and his 80 year-old great-grandparents sat enraptured in front of once a week. The show was featured on the cover of publications like New York Magazine, Entertainment Weekly, and TV Guide. “Who Killed Laura Palmer” became the hottest whodunnit since “Who Shot J.R.” ten years earlier.
What me, my great granny, and all of the other unsuspecting moms and pops in middle America didn’t know at the time is that David Lynch is one dark, dark motherfucker. The answer to “who killed Laura Palmer?’ was nothing anyone wanted to know (shudder). Lynch went off to direct Wild at Heart and the show evaporated at the sort of breakneck speed that was entirely uncommon for that day and age. The show’s final episode aired just 14 months after the pilot’s premiere. Lynch, perhaps realizing that he’d accidentally let his golden goose go to pot, called back his cast and shot a feature-length prequel for a French arthouse production company who gave Lynch free reign to plumb the deepest, darkest recesses at the rotten core of his avant-garde soap opera. The prequel is called Fire Walk With Me and I saw it in a theater with about 5 other people (3 of whom walked out) in August of 1992 (I know I repeat this ad nauseam but JE-SUS CHRIST the shit my parents allowed me to watch!). In his review for the New York Times, Vincent Canby said “It’s not the worst film ever made; it just seems to be.” And you know...I couldn’t possibly put it any better so I’m not even going to try (note: this is not entirely true. I mean...I’m about to “review” the entire movie).
So Twin Peaks hipped this young fella to David Lynch and I have stayed hipped ever since. He’s one of my favorite filmmakers even though I would describe most of his movies as “unwatchably exhilarating.” Across the decades he has been omnipresent yet unprolific...open-hearted yet obtuse...a brilliant artist and a bullshit artist. He is currently 74 years-old and still maintains that chain-smoking cigarettes is good for the soul. I have followed his every twist and turn. I bought the book he wrote about meditation and proceeded to not meditate. I bought the album he made called Crazy Clown Time” and proceeded to not listen to it. Along the way I learned to stop trying to answer the questions I have about his work because I learned the questions are unanswerable. David Lynch is just MAKING SHIT UP! He can’t decipher the puzzle for you because the puzzle isn’t really a puzzle. the pieces are not meant to fit together. Whatever you think happens at the end of Mulholland Drive is exactly what happens...even if it’s not what happens. Stop wasting your time trying to figure it out and go to sleep and have nightmares about Ronald Reagan being fellated by a Gremlin.
Twin Peaks will always remain David Lynch’s easiest entry point...which is probably why it has maintained its mythic status and fiercely devoted band of Trekkie-like followers (weird, pervy, fecal fetish-type Trekkies though). Hell, when eBay first hit the ‘net my very first purchase was a copy of the Laura Palmer’s Diary tie-in book (which I have also never read). People have been shouting their desires for a proper 3rd season of Twin Peaks from the rooftops from the minute the show’s final episode aired in 1991. When it was announced that Showtime was actually going to let David Lynch write and direct 18 new episodes of Twin Peaks I figured it would either A--pick up where the ABC show left off or B--make Lost Highway look like Runaway Bride. The answer: B. As a follow-up to the original TV series it’s a letdown. As an 18-hour free-form David Lynch feature film, though, it’s an unparalleled masterpiece. If ten minute-long scenes of dudes spray painting shovels is your David Lynch then Twin Peaks: The Return is your jam. Who else but Lynch would have the stones to take one of the most iconic TV characters of all time, Special Agent Dale Cooper, put him in the show, but basically prevent him from acting like himself until the final episode? Showtime released the first 4 episodes of Season 3 on the same night and my girlfriend and I accidentally watched them out of sequence and, once we realized our mistake, we also realized that it DID NOT MATTER AT ALL. Because what is anything? Also--got a light???
ANYWAY--I recently decided to go ahead and check out Fire Walk With Me for the second time because...well...whatever. And you know...it is only about half as unwatchable as I remembered! Huzzah! I already had my VHS in hand but I also picked up the Criterion Collection DVD because it contains Twin Peaks: The Missing Pieces, a 90 minute compilation of deleted scenes that Lynch edited together in 2014. You could watch either film and have a pretty identical experience. And if you haven’t watched a single episode of Twin Peaks you should not watch either because you’ll be lost like a lost boy. What happens is this; at the top of the film a pair of FBI agents are dispatched to Deer Meadow, WA to investigate the murder of a teenaged prostitute by the name of Teresa Banks. Right off the bat we notice that neither of these G-Men are Special Agent Dale Cooper. Apparently Kyle McLachlan didn’t want to reprise his signature role for fear of being typecast (and what? having bizarre, violently hilarious pool sex with Jessie Spano in Showgirls was more to your liking, K Mac? Bad career moves, homie). He’s here, but on light duty. More on him in a bit. The new FBI agents are played by Kiefer Sutherland (speaking of Lost Boys) and the singer Chris Issak. Seriously. Chris Issak is a decent enough actor. He’ll always have props for life in my book for “Wicked Game”. That’s an ace tune! That black and white video directed by Herbie Ritts?? Hott with two T’s!! Our man Keef, on the other hand, wears an unfortunate bowtie and looks like he’d rather be off getting shitfaced somewhere. I think that’s what probably happens as his character just disappears about 20 minutes in and is never spoken of again.
So Issak and Sutherland go poking around Deer Meadow and get tons of resistance from a local cop played by the guy who played the guy who killed Radio Raheem in Do the Right Thing. Man, fuck that guy for LIFE! It all seems pretty Twin Peaks-y until they go see Teresa Banks’ body and tear her off her fingernail (there’s some piece of paper under there or something....I don’t know). And we’re off! They head to the trailer park to check out Teresa’s trailer and the dude running the joint is Harry Dean Stanton! HARRY DEAN! Now that guy lived a life! He shows them around the park...but then..like...the power lines start to snap and crackle and shit. You know...this totally comes up again in The Return...and I still have no idea what it means! While they’re chatting with HDS this terrifying one-eyed hobo lady appears from out of nowhere, apropos of nothing. I initially thought it was Mama Fratelli from The Goonies and then I realized she was long dead when this movie was made and then I realized David Lynch might’ve cast her anyway. This scene is quintessential David Lynch. It’s like...people are sitting in a normal room having a normal conversation but then we pan to the corner where we see a kitten shitting into a clown’s mouth. We simply nod accept that we are David Lynch’s world and continue watching.
Right, so Issak continues investigating and eventually finds a ring under Teresa’s trailer. When he reaches out to grab it he disappears from the movie. So there’s that. Cut to: FBI headquarters in Philadelphia. Our boy Dale Cooper finally shows up and runs in to tell his boss (who is totally the same David Lynch that we’ve been talking about nonstop) that he had a dream that some crazy shit was gonna go down at 10:10. It’s kind of like 11:11 but you don’t get a wish. There’s some mumbo jumbo about this mysterious missing Agent called Phil Jeffries and then Jeffries shows up and OH MY GOD IT’S DAVID BOWIE!!!! Actual David Bowie! The Thin White Duke! He’s all out of breath and he’s wearing a Hawaiian-ish shirt with a plunging neckline and he has a Southern-ish accent and if David Bowie’s acting were a David Bowie album it would be Never Let Me Down. I can’t tell if Bowie is an apparition or whatever but there’s lots of screaming and then another scene starts to bleed into this one but the other scene looks like a CK 1 commercial but with a mini David Lynch in an Eyes Wide Shut orgy costume and Killer Bob and the tiny “your favorite gum is back in style” guy and they are eating some kind of porridge and what the actual fuck is going on??? I don’t know! I know this, though: David Bowie was going to reprise his role in The Return but he passed away before he could film his scenes...so they replaced him with...wait for it...wait for it...A FURNACE!! A talking furnace!
Ahhh...moving on! Cooper is sent to the Pacific Northwest to investigate the...the...what have you. Finally, we cut to Twin Peaks in the year of 1990 (cue the Badalamenti theme song, fuckers!). Laura Palmer is alive like Johnny Five...just a regular old high school senior blasting lines of cocaine in the shitter before class. I can’t think of anything that would be worse to do on cocaine than be in high school but then again...I never combined the two! So Laura’s alive but her bestie Donna suddenly looks like the toe pick girl from The Cutting Edge because that's exactly who she is. I guess Lara Flynn Boyle was too busy filming The Temp or some such bullshit so they went out and got disappeared West Wing star and Lara Flynn Boyle cosplayer Moira Kelly. Could be worse, amirite? Laura’s got mad dudes on speed dial. She’s dating scumbag Bobby but has a secret thing with James Hurley. We know this because she meets him in a mop closet in the high school wearing nothing but a towel and they ball. Can we take a moment and talk about the amazingness of the James Hurley original tune “Just You?” There...we just did.
After school Laura tries to do her Meal on Wheels gig but she’s confronted by an old lady and a small faceless boy who want to sell her artwork. Always say no, girl--I bought a dude’s rap CD-R on the subway once and that shit was BLANK! They tell her that the “man behind the mask” is in her bedroom. I’m thinking...you know...Jason Voorhees..but she runs home to find Killer Bob! She screams...he screams and Lynch zooms all the way in on his uvula. It’s mad gross. She runs outside and hides in the bushes but it ain’t Killer Bob who emerges through the front door...it’s her pops! Leland Palmer! I had a friend once who said he used to make a cocktail called the Leland Palmer. I feel like it was vodka mixed cherry heering and coffee brandy served in a cocaine-rimmed glass...but that’s probably incorrect. Later, Laura sits down for dinner with her family and Leland yells at her about washing her hands and asks her uncomfortable relationship questions and pinches her face and HE DID IT!!! HE killed Laura Palmer!! He’s been sexually assaulting his own daughter! Gah, no wonder my great-grandparents suggested we immediately switch back to Cheers after that big reveal. If you’ve seen the show you already know this going into Fire Walk With Me...so the suspense comes from what exactly? We do no not know..
So what else happens? Sweet Christ...what DOESN’T happen?? Laura dreams (how she sleeps at all when she’s chuffing so much chach is beyond me) about the Black Lodge. You know...that cool ass place with the red curtains and the stripey floor? Agent Cooper is in there with the Man from Another Place. They offer her a Teresa’s ring but when Laura wakes up she finds Heather Graham’s superfluous character Annie from Season 2 in bed next to her covered in blood. She tells Laura that the “good” Dale is stuck in the Black Lodge. Stuck with a serve case of dontwannaactinfirewalkwithme is more like it! I don’t know what all of this means but I DO know that I wouldn’t kick Heather Graham out of bed for bleeding everywhere and telling me Agent Cooper is stuck in the Black Lodge. Nothing creepy...I was just a HUGE License to Drive fan when I was 10 years-old!
Laura and Donna go to the Bang Bang Bar where they take in some tunes by Julee Cruise. They also run into the Log Lady. Two big Twin Peaks boxes: checked off. We also meet Season 1 coma patient Ronette Pulaski. You know would be a sweet band name? The Ronette Pulaski’s. They track down Jacque Renault who says a bunch of disgusting sex things to them and then offers to take them to One-Eyed Jack’s to party. This entire sequence...which feels like it goes on for about half of the movie...is BUH-NANAS! It’s scored by this David Lynch original tune called The Pink Room that’s a fucking BANGER! The music is so loud that the dialogue is intentionally obscured (don’t worry...they use subtitles. Or maybe do worry?). They stand around and take a ton of drugs and take off their shirts. Jacques Renault promises everyone that there is no tomorrow. He also says that he is as blank as a fart. I'm not sure which statement is more worrisome. Laura and Ronette get diddled under the table but then she sees Donna making out with a dude and freaks out and makes everyone go home like a real buzz killington.
Things don’t get much sunnier from this point on so I won’t try to explain the rest...if the rest is even explainable...which it really isn’t. The morning after the club Laura and Leland are driving when they are confronted by a screaming one-armed man. Leland flashes back to his affair with Teresa Banks...so...looks like he killed her too. Laura realizes Killer Bob doesn’t exist and that her own father has been raping her. She decides to deal with this by doing a shit ton of blow. Like I said...dark, dark, dark DARK shit. She tells Bobby she needs more drugs or she’ll lose whatever she has left of her shit. He breaks up with her. She also ditches James to go party into the woods and party with Ronette, Jacques, and Leo (remember him!?). Leland follows her there and...I guess...he kills her. It’s hard to tell exactly what happens as this entire sequence is lit by strobey flashlights...kind of like Metallica’s Enter Sandman video but with no 18-wheeler. The One-Armed Man is there too but I’m still not sure what function he serves. I mean...I’m not sure about ANYTHING at this point...particularly whether writing this article was a good idea (I’m thinking no?).
Leland enters the Black Lodge where he finds the Man from Another Place and The One-Armed Man. They tell him they want Garmonbozia. I went ahead and Googled this word and it turns out Garmonbozia refers to the porridge we saw earlier on. So...you’re welcome? I also see that I wrote the word “monkey” in my notes so maybe there’s a monkey in this scene? That makes sense. Was he preparing beef bulgogi for everyone? That would make sense too. Agent “half day of work” Cooper finds Laura and comforts her. My girlfriend tries to explain that, even though this is a prequel to the first season, the movie ends at the end of the second season. Or...as The Black Lodge is actually purgatory...time does not exist there...so where and when the movie ends is irrelevant. I immediately walk into my bathroom and scream into the mirror and stare at my uvula. Then I watch the Twin Peaks: Missing Pieces and find where they’ve been hiding Big Ed and Nadine...and Dr Jacoby...and Andy, Lucy, and Hawke...and Jocelyn Packard and Eraserhead...and Harry Truman and Zooey Deschanel’s mom. They’re all in there. And you know what else would make a sweet ass band name: Garmonbozia. The end.