Mark Wahlberg is a bag of smashed assholes. I offered a fairly lengthy thesis on the career of my hometown homie and scion of the Wahlburgers dynasty in the review before the review before this one. Conclusion: garbage human being. I’m willing to acknowledge that he’s an occasionally brilliant actor...but...I just kind of hate him! Dude rubs me the wrong way, ok? Speaking of being rubbed the wrong way—we’re actually here today to discuss the 1996 flick Fear, Wahlberg’s first starring role and a film I have referenced dozens of times on this website but have only actually watched like twice. Fear came out just as I was starting film school so I was probably too busy pretending that I liked Dogme 95 movies to give this one much attention. Fear was described by producer Brian Grazer, a man who is responsible for 50% of the best movies released in the last 40 years (note: not an exact figure), as “Fatal Attraction for teenagers''...which begs the question: WHY did someone think it was a good and appropriate idea to make a Fatal Attraction for teenagers!? Come to think of it: I’m not sure why people thought actual Fatal Attraction was a good idea either!
What happens is this: we open in the city of Seattle, which the filmmakers appear to have chosen because they heard it was a hip, happening town...and then showed up 5 years too late to make their movie. Don’t worry—they made sure to pack the soundtrack with the hottest grunge bands. And by “hottest grunge bands'' I mean they just licensed a shit ton of songs by Bush, who are, of course, from LONDON. We meet 16 year-old high school student Nicole Walker, played by woman who doesn’t think you should give her a DUI because she’s an American citizen Reese Witherspoon. I kind of question the decision to introduce a 16 year-old character by filming her in the shower....but hey...at least she’s smiling I guess? Once we get a peep at the property where she currently resides I start to understand what the shit eating grin was all about. She lives in this sprawling lake house designed by her aggressive jogging enthusiast father Steven (Young Guns 2’s William Petersen) that offers billion dollar views of Puget Sound. The last time I was in Seattle I saw where the dude who invented Starbucks lived while I was looking for the house where Kurt Cobain died and it looked kinda like this joint. I’d call this a gated community but their property appears to be the only one located beyond the said gate. They’ve even got their own corpulent, around the clock security guard...and you know that shit can’t be cheap! As if we couldn’t already tell these folks are some serious one percenters by touring their crib, the very first conversation they have involves purchasing tickets for a fucking JAMES TAYLOR concert! Ain’t nothing but rich honkies at a JT concert, man. Turns out Nicole just moved up north from her mom’s LA manse. Now she’s living with Pops and his new wife Laura (Judging Amy Brenneman) and her 10 year-old son notgonnabothertolearnhisname. I’d say she’s got it made, but when she goes to say goodbye to her Dad, he totally slut shames her for the not particularly short skirt she picked out to wear to school. Ahh, so it’s one of those “Dad gets uncomfortably uncomfortable with his daughter’s burgeoning sexuality” movies. My favorite. Kind of like Tony Danza’s She’s Out of Control but without any jokes. Although, to be fair, they sorta forgot to put the jokes in that one too.
Nicole heads off to school, where she pals around with her non-threatening male friend Gary (some actor I do not know) and her considerably more threatening friend Margo (Who’s the Boss star and #metoo movement proponent Alyssa Milano). Nicole is a responsible kid but Margo is always trying to get her to skip class to rip butts and tool around town in her VW Rabbit convertible. Margo takes her to Bimbo’s Bitchin’ Burritos in a section of Capitol Hill that is now just a giant Whole Foods. Back in ‘96, though, you still couldn’t walk through that hood without getting mugged by former Screaming Trees frontman Mark Lanegan. Nicole and Margo order avocado burgers to go but, while they’re waiting for their food, Nicole spots Marky Mark engaged in some super intense billiards. She swoons. After school, the girls hang out and do typical teenage girl-type things….like sunbathe by Margo’s infinity pool and thumb through copies of Hustler magazine. “I’d totally pose for this mag,” Margo says, “Wouldn’t it be amazing to know millions of guy’s are strokin’ to you??” Nicole says that she does not think it would be amazing, no. Margo wants to take Nicole to a warehouse rave later that night but she already has plans with her folks. She tries to weasel her way out of it but Pops won’t even hear it. The family that James Taylor’s together stays together! Before they can pack their Clearly Canadien-filled cooler and lawn chairs into the back of their Jeep Grand Cherokee, Mr Walker receives a frantic phone call from his office. Apparently there’s an architectural emergency that will require him to fly to Vancouver for dinner. Laura is like “motherFUCKER!!! I bet he was gonna play Mudslide Slim from start to finish tonight!” Steven says if he doesn’t go to dinner he could lose his job and the family could starve to death. Laura waves her arms around their palatial living quarters and says “umm, no one here is starving to death.” Solid ruling, Judge Amy!
With dad out of the country for the evening, Nicole decides to join Margo for that rave. Margo is clearly an old hat at the rave scene. She marches straight in, lights a ciggy, gets herself sorted for whizz and E’s, and starts grinding on some bearish 50 year-old ogre in a black leather jacket Nicole, however, is a little green on the scene. She tiptoes around timidly, taking in the sights. She sees some dudes sucking face and is all “ohhh you FRESH!” AND here comes the pride and joy of Dorchestahhh, MA. He sidles up to Nicole and introduces himself as David and starts whispering this creepy baby talk to her even though it must be loud as shit in there. Everything about him is so icky! He makes me want to reach inside of my goddamn television and tousle his hair! Before he can show her his good vibrations, a fight breaks out! Or...is it a riot?? I really have no idea! All I know is that a couple of punches are thrown and suddenly there’s like a thousand people screaming and panicking and running in every direction. David and Nicole make for the roof because ok I guess so. There’s people jumping out windows and a police helicopter bearing down on the scene. Absolute pandemonium. Margo runs off with her scary ogre so Nicole decides to follow David down the fire escape...and into HELLLLL!!! Well, not yet. He gives her a ride in his Corvair. She’s like” isn’t this the worst car ever made?” And he’s all “it’s not the car’s fault...I saw her all alone in the junkyard and she looked so sad. Don’t tell Ralph Nader.” Like...dude...your act ain’t foolin’ anyone. We can still hear the Boston accent. He looks like he’s a Puma tracksuit and a Scally cap away from a racially motivated Southie bar brawl. Nicole, though? She’s a smitten kitten. When David decides the time is right, he grabs her and starts making out with the SIDE OF HER FACE!! Then he moves onto more standard mouth-type stuff, which only confirms what I suspected after watching Rock Star: Mark Wahlberg is the most disgusting movie kisser in the history of cinema. I thought maybe he was just showing off in that other flick ‘cuz he was with Jennifer Aniston...but no...this dude’s kisses FUCK!! So many aggressive tongue revolutions. He looks like he’s trying to swallow the poor girl’s uvula! She probably had to towel off after every take, the poor thing. After a bit of tonsil hockey, David heads right for tit and the brake lights come on. Nicole says “Umm...oh...sorry--I guess you found my flaw!” My flaw? MY FLAW!?? I’m assuming she means that she’s a virgin (she does)...and that’s supposed to be a flaw!? Just because you don’t want to go from kissing to penetration in less than ten seconds doesn’t make you flawed! You’d think this movie was written by some grody 48 year-old dude or something. What’s that? It was? That tracks. Anyway, David just says that it’s one more thing to respect about her, which is a fuckin’ line. I’m sorry--were you making a list of things to respect? I took copious notes while watching this movie and I don’t see anything here about a respect list. (Note: although I did write down “see when Zima came out...which is weird because no Zima is consumed in this film. Answer: 1993...in case you were wondering). David brings Nicole home unspoiled yet way, way past curfew. Her step mom tells her she looks like a slut. One day: two slut shames.
The next night David scoops Nicole in his Corvair and they cruise around town blasting cuts from Sixteen Stone. A look of pure ecstasy crosses Nicole’s face as she listens to Gavin Rossdale growl in feigned agony. “I don’t want to come back down from this cloud!! All this all this gri aye aye yah yah yah yah!” They shoot some pool and David continues to lap Nicole’s face like an amorous Golden Retriever. He tells her that every part of her tastes so good...even though he has clearly only tasted the above-the-shoulders areas. I puke in my popcorn. David insists on meeting Nicole’s family the following day. She brings him out to the spot and he ticks off every charming boyfriend cliche in the span of about ten seconds: he buddies down with her 10 year-old step brother...he charms their German Shepherd, Kaiser...he innocently flirts with her step mom, he offers to plant some trees around the property. Was this supposed to play like an SNL Hallmark sketch? Maybe tone it down about a million percent here. David heads up to Mr Walker’s office to compliment him on his ‘65 Mustang and to talk car talk. The old man is thinking this kid is just too good to be true!” Then David turns his head away and yells “Yo Nicole! Bring me a Diet Coke!!” and pops is like “daa fuqqq did he just say to my daughter!??” His bullshit antennae goes up AND FAST!! Mr Walker says that Nicole’s curfew is midnight and not one minute past midnight so David simply changes the clock in his office. Problem solved.
Aaand now it’s time for the infamous roller coaster scene!! The moment we’ve all been waiting for...ish. What happens is: David brings Nicole to a low rent amusement park and they board a rickety old wooden roller coaster. When the caboose starts to begin its initial ascent, Nicole spreads her legs, grabs David’s hand, and puts it on her area. He moves his hand gingerly while repeatedly and disgustingly licking his own lips (for a change). In the background we hear The Rolling Stones ``Wild Horses'' as covered by 90’s three-hit wonders The Sundays. I’m sure the original was far too expensive to license. I’m less sure that Mick Jagger and Keith Richards wrote this tune hoping it would one day provide the soundtrack for a scene where a 16 year-old gets fingerblasted on a roller coaster….but who knows! When the car takes its first drop, Nicole cuts loose like HELLO CLEVELAND! She experiences her first orgasm, which is equal parts blessing and curse. Looks like fun, for sure, but imagine if the only way she can get off from there on out is on a roller coaster? I feel like that would get really expensive. He also wins her some sort of peace pipe playing the toss the beanbag game...which is totally bogus as everybody knows you never when shit playing those rigged ass games! Although when I was 7 I DID win a Motley Crue coke mirror playing the game where you shoot water into a clown’s mouth to try to fill up a balloon. I need to find that mirror.
Even though their daughter has a suspicious new boyfriend, the Walker’s decide to split town for the weekend, leaving Nicole all by her lonesome. They tell her to order Domino’s and rent some videos (what I wouldn’t GIVE!) and to not lose her virginity. She dutifully follows instructions...on the first two things, anyway. She immediately calls David (who has a cell phone??) and tells him she’s alone in her bed for the night. He says he can’t make it until later so she gives him the super secret security code so he can just let himself in (heh). I start to realize that we still know fuck all about this David character. I just assume he’s a bad guy because he’s Mark Wahlberg and because this movie is called Fear, leading me to believe that someone will eventually be afraid of someone. He asked for a Diet Coke like a real douche but hey...we all get parched now and then. All we know is that he has family “back east” and is an arborist and hangs out with a gnarly looking crowd. David lets himself onto the property as planned and makes his way to Nicole’s bedroom. By the time she opens her eyes he is already naked. And also--just ripped to SHREDS! I guess he was probably still modeling at this point. Can’t be selling no Calvin’s with a Papa Gino’s gut, amirite? He removes her undies and fornication happens almost instantly. Here I should mention that David is supposed to be 23 and Nicole is 16!! Did the people who made this film not see a problem with this!? Good god, man!
The next day Nicole is walking on sunshine (ohh oh)....but her post-deflowering golden hour quickly comes to a jarringly violent conclusion. When David arrives to pick her up for school, he sees Nicole lean over and give non-threatening Gary a non-threatening hug. Seemingly out of nowhere, David snaps like a snapdragon! He sprints up to Gary, throws him to the ground, and fucking kicks him half to death! When Nicole tries to intervene, David winds up and cracks her in the grill, blackening one of her eyes. It’s buh-nanas!!! Nicole immediately tells David that she will see him never PSYCHO but David is all “wha?? What’d I do??” He does NOT handle the breakup well. He covertly stalks Nicole through the halls of her high school, even though he’s like 7 years older than the average student. He retreats to his vaguely criminal flophouse where he resides with that Ogre dude and a handful of other anonymous goons with names like Hacker and Knobby (that’s what the internet says, anyway--no one is ever properly introduced). It’s like the drug house from Point Break but with 100% less Red Hot Chili Peppers. What’s wrong with these dudes? Drugs? Brains wired wrong? No one knows! We do learn that David sleeps on a cot next to a wall COVERED with pictures of Nicole. And also: his mug shot?? Maybe don’t go displaying that one, pal. Meanwhile, Nicole tells her folks that she caught that black eye in a volleyball game. They pretend to believe her. They’re just happy David is out her life without any lasting OOPS!!! Dad finds a used condom wrapper under her bed. Phew! I thought he didn’t use anything! Must’ve pre-wrapped it before he showed up that night!
The next afternoon, Nicole and Margo sit by the pool listening to Toad the Wet Sprocket’s Something's Always Wrong...because at this point in the film something is, in fact, always wrong. People are always busting on Toad but I’ll tell ya—Fear is a goddam solid album (and also: the name of the movie we are talking about). Walk on the Ocean? All I Want? Total bangers right there! Nicole lets slip that she and David did the deed and Margo calls her a ho. She’s like “thanks a lot—he also beat the piss out of me.” Margo tells her to brush it off. She says David wouldn’t beat her if he didn’t really love her. Well, if Poison Ivy 2 says so! David shows up at the pool and apologizes profusely and Nicole decides to give him a second chance because of course she does. She brings him back to her house where they continue to frolic in her swimming pool with her family. I gotta say—there’s a shitload of swimming pool action for a Seattle-set movie. Isn’t it 55 and rainy 51 weeks out of the year up there? Did the swimming pool industry have some secret dough behind this flick or something? Mr Walker arrives home just as David is about to playfully throw his wife into the pool. He’s profoundly displeased. He begins his rest-of-the-movie-long quest to alert the authorities to David’s behavior...a quest that gains so little traction that they didn’t even bother casting a doubting detective. They couldn’t have nabbed Brian Denehey or Davey Caruso for a one day walk on?? He does find out that David has a rap sheet longer than Long Island. Fuckin’...4 years in juvie...fostah home aftah fostah home...a bid down in Bridgewatah, kehd. Mr Walker decides it’s time to have a little one on one with this fricken kid. He tells David that he’s to refrain from having any and all contact with Nicole, effective immediately. David says that he understands and they shake hands and part like gentlemen. Just kidding! David calls Mr Walker a word that rhymes with maggot and accuses him of leaving his wife sexually dissatisfied, causing her to “crawl all over my stick.” David also says that he personally licked Nicole’s sweet tears....and I totally believe him. This dude is a licking machine! Mr Walker is not amused. He tells David that he’s going to rip his balls off and shove them so far up his ass they’ll pop out of his mouth. You used to hear that threat in movies a lot and I always wondered if it’s something that’s actually achievable. Maybe they can do a Mythbusters on that or something.
David repeatedly punches himself in the chest until he’s good and bruised and tells Nicole that her pops did the beating. She’s so upset with her dad she decides to take off with David and listen to MORE BUSH. They ball to that cover of Wild Horses I told you about before. I guess that’s their sex anthem. Aww. David invites Nicole back to his squat so she won’t have to face her family but she declines....but after David drives off she changes her mind and decides to follow him ‘cuz who doesn’t love a surprise?? Right but when she gets to David’s she looks through a window and sees Margo smoking fucking crack in her underwear with the Ogre. (They’re also listening to Prick! Remember that band?? I saw them open for NIN and David Bowie. Now that was a gig!) So that’s bad....but they’re fleetingly dating or whatever so. But then David appears and says that he will be having sex with Margo that night and carries her away like fresh kill. Ogre says that David can go right ahead and keep that “dirty bitch.” I bet Alyssa Milano wishes she could #metoo this movie right out of existence. Ugh! David shows up the next day completely unaware that he’s been found out. He’s all “hey babe—we still going to the Deep Blue Something concert?” but Nicole screams and runs away. David tries to give chase but Gary gets up in his face. Nicole goes home to sulk by the pool. Margo comes over and hugs Nicole’s little step bro and says “kid—when are you gonna grow up so I can ravage you??” I pick up my vomit-filled popcorn bowl and fill it with more vomit. Nicole tells Margo she knows that she’s a crack smoking backstabber. Margo says that David raped her but Nicole isn’t ready to hear it. While Margo is driving home, David runs her off the road, drags her from her Rabbit, and beats the shit out of her. Tells her that if she doesn’t “fix things'' with Nicole he’s gonna kill her. And they marketed this movie to teenagers?? This is some truly twisted shit right here.
David shows up at the Walker compound and makes another attempt to sweet talk Mr Walker (whom he called a homophobic slur like 3 scenes ago) with his doe-eyed baby talk routine but the old man slams the door in his face. So what does wacko do? Goes home and gives himself a giant “Nicole 4-eva” tattoo on his chest. Take it from disgraced former actor Johnny Depp—relationship tattoos are just like relationships: they never end well. I guess he could always change Nicole to Nico. She had some solid tunes. The next day David decides to follow Gary home from school. As luck would have it (for David) Gary’s route home involves a desolate path in the woods. They exchange brief pleasantries about growing up institutionalized and BAM!! David breaks Gary’s neck with his own bare hands. He dies. Then he heads over to Mr Walker's architecture firm and vandalizes his ‘stang. He also leaves a note that says “now I popped both of your cherries.” I can only dry heave at this point. David figures he might as well go 3 for 3 so he follows Nicole to the mall and attacks her in a bathroom stall. She tries to scream but David covers her mouth, puts his hand between her legs, and says “this is what it’s really all about.” Her vagina?? I’m so lost.
Mr Walker gets a hold of David’s address and shows up while David is out on his little midday killing spree. David not only has pictures of Nicole all over his bedroom wall...he’s built an entire crazytown SHRINE for the girl! Like...there’s a litany of items he stole from her room; jewelry and panties and such. He also seems to have somehow photoshopped her head on the Virgin Mary. Dude, I wonder who ended up with THAT shit?? Reese Witherspoon as the Virgin Mary?? I’d put that above my fireplace. It’s probably collecting dust at some thrift store up in Snohomish...silently crying out for a home. Anyway—Mr Walker trashes the place...which seems fair since David trashed his car/life. When David and his goons arrive home they’re none too pleased by what they discover. The guy broke fucking everything! Pool playing goon finds his pool cues snapped in half. Drumming goon finds all of his drum heads slit. He sits at his decimated kit with his drumsticks in hand, looking all forlorn. No YYZ today, pal! They call an emergency roommate meeting and decide they will smoke a ton of crack and then drive up to the Walker’s and murder everyone in sight. It’s a plan!
The Walker’s have already begun to batten down the hatches. Mr Walker continues to work the phones trying to summon help to absolutely no avail. Did he fail to mention that he’s a rich white dude?? SRSLY! Margo shows up and tells everyone that Gary was found with his head on backwards. Mr Walker says that he designed the house himself and that it’s an impenetrable fortress so long as no one did something foolish like tell David the super secret security code. Nicole is like “ummm....totally my B....but I did exactly that!” While they’re standing around trying to figure out the safest way to stay safe, little bro sees Kaiser poke his head in the dog door. He’s like “puppy want a treat??” but the dog cannot hear him as his head is no longer attached to the rest of his body. That’s right—they fucking beheaded the family dog. This ratchets the level of concern up a notch or two. They discover the phone lines have been cut and blah blah blah you get the drill. Speaking of getting the drill, one of the goons tries to open the door and Mrs Walker puts a power drill through his hand. He demands to be driven to the hospital but...I think the 10 year old runs him over with the jeep? It’s tough to care when I don’t even really know these dude’s names. Also--they are murderers. Or murdery, at least. See you on the other side, Trigger. Nicole manages to alert their security guard, but there’s only so much White Al Powell can do. He rolls up to the house and tries to collar David but David kills him. Then David and the Ogre and whomever else is still alive take Mr Walker hostage. I don’t think there’s any real game plan. They’re just gonna kill everyone and kidnap Nicole and keep her chained up in the basement for the rest of her life. But then Ogre tries to rape Mrs Walker and David blows his head off. That seems fair. David lapses into one of those manic, end-of-the-movie psychobabble psycho speeches. “You want this, don’t you, Nicole?? You want me to kill your daddy so we can run away together, right?” She does not want that, no. She grabs ahold of that peace pipe David won her at the carnival and impales him with it. He lets out this terrible howl that sounds like “yeeeewwwuhhh!” Good thing he didn’t get her the Motley Crue coke mirror. Well....not good for him, I guess. He’s still on his feet though ‘cuz this dude is a fighter (THE Fighter, actually). He trades a couple of blows with Mr Walker before the old man is finally like “you know—enough of this bullshit.” He grabs David by the sleeve and launches him out the window. Guy must’ve really put a little something extra in his toss ‘cuz David sails like 500 fucking yards before splattering on the lake’s rocky shore. The end credits roll. No denouements here, folks. Although I guess I have everything I need....you? I’m kind of curious about whether Nicole and Margo became friends again....but not really. And you know what band just completely fucking sucks? Bush. The end.