When I originally started writing this review I made reference to the lake where Baby and Johnny practice their anticlimactic climactic dance lift and how it has been dry for years. I have avoided finishing this article for so long now that the lake has actually started to fill up with water for the first time in almost 12 years. Alas, a sliver of good news arrives in 2020! I mean....if you like the movie Dirty Dancing. I mean...otherwise...whatever, right? We’re gonna spend some time talking about Dirty Dancing today because it is far and away the most requested title here at VHS of the Week (not to be confused with the Tom Cruise film Far and Away...which no one wants to hear about ever). I don’t really have much of a personal connection to this flick other than having watched it. My grandparents brought me to the cinema in August of 1987 and told me I could choose between Dirty Dancing and Steve Martin’s Roxanne. Now most of y’all who know me know how much I love Steve Martin’s banjo shredding ass...but did you also know how much I hate dancing (and being dirty)? Seriously, when people try to get me to dance at weddings I always tell them that I’m simply waiting for my jam. Full confession: I don’t have a jam!!
I eventually watched Dirty Dancing at home with the aforementioned set of grandparents...who in turn watched the fact that this movie is primarily about abortion sail right over my little nine year-old head. Me: Hey grandma....what’s “The Penny Situation?” Grandma: “ummm...ahhh...it’s a punk band from D.C.!” I liked the movie enough to purchase BOTH soundtracks, even though I was a devoted metalhead and none of the songs featured in Dirty Dancing are about satan. Not that I’m aware of, anyway. What I learned re-watching Dirty Dancing in 2020 is that I have somehow unintentionally learned a whole lot about Dirty Dancing over the years. I’m not sure if I saw a documentary at some point or watched a bunch of those VH1 Pop-Up Videos back in the day, but I do know that I could probably melt faces at a Dirty Dancing trivia night. The dry-ish lake? We already talked about that. I know that the dance scenes were choreographed by Hocus Pocus director and man who ruined singer Billy Squier’s career Kenny Ortega. I know that Eleanor Bergstein wrote the screenplay based on her own experiences coming of age in the early 60’s. I know that the casting director originally wanted Billy Zane and NOT Patrick Swayze for the role of Johnny Castle, which allowed my mind to run wild with fantasies of a world where Billy Zane got to skydive and surf and rip dude’s throats out and have weird pottery sex with Demi Moore while Patrick Swayze was just Kate Winslet’s bougie dandy fiancee in Titanic.
Anyway, what happens is this: It’s the summer of 1963 and Frances “Baby” Houseman (played by the actress who no longer looks like Jennifer Grey, Jennifer Grey) is headed to the Catskills with her rich white parents and tone deaf older sister Lisa. This little family vacay is gonna be Baby’s last hurrah before joining the Peace Corps come fall. She’s got a severe case of the white priv but she’s ready to do some good as a do gooder...which is good of her. The Houseman’s arrive at this shuffleboard and salsa dancing resort called Kellerman’s and get the red carpet treatment from Mr Kellerman hisself! Turns out Mr Housman is an MD and he helped old man Kellerman with his high blood pressure troubles. Now Kellerman wants to do the fam a solid by hooking them up with the phattest cabin on the property. Dr Houseman is played by dearly departed Law and Order star Jerry Orbach, who happens to be the greatest thing in this whole goddamn movie...or any other movie. Ever. Mr Kellerman seems like a solid guy all the way until the very next scene, where he is heard explaining to his exclusively Ivy League-educated waitstaff that fornicating with daughters (even the “dogs”) of prominent guests is an actual job requirement. While Kellerman is in the middle of his disgustingness, Johnny Castle shows up with his badass crew of badass entertainers. Mr Kellerman, seething with classist contempt, makes it a point to announce that the entertainers, unlike the waiters, may not fuck any daughters. This Kellerman--he goes from stand-up guy to sexual harassment goblin in like two movie minutes!
When night falls, the Houseman’s hit the function hall to take in some mambo, courtesy of Tito, the resort’s bandleader and the only person of color in this film with actual dialogue. We meet Robbie the waiter, who attends Yale medical school. And listen kids--I have been waiting tables for over 20 years and the number of co-workers I have had that were also enrolled at Ivy League universities is exactly zero (actually there was one dude who said he went to Harvard but it was totally just their Extension School). A fleet of med student waiters? I call bullshit. Mr Kellerman immediately starts trying to pawn his dorkus malorkus grandson Neil off on Baby. He’s probably next in line to inherit the resort but he tells Baby that he wants to join the Freedom Riders. Sure you do, pal. Their awkward repartee is mercifully interrupted when Johnny and his ex-Rockette partner Penny show up and set that fusty dance floor ABLAZE! Apparently Johnny and his crew are hired to just dance around the joint so the guests will have something to look at that isn’t impending death. Everyone seems to enjoy the shit out of the dancers...except for Mr Kellerman...who shoots them a look that says “you are beneath me and I shit on you all!”
After the gig, Baby spies the entrance to the staff quarters and figures the jazz cigarettes must be up thattaway so she decides to go have herself a snoop.She encounters this kid Cousin Billy who tries to turn her away. Luckily for her the kid is trying to carry three watermelons at the SAME TIME which is way too many watermelons for one person to carry. Baby carries a watermelon. Later she will state that she has done so and it will become the third most quoted line from this movie. When Baby arrives at the staff cabin she finds a whole swirl of people dancing...and dirtily! What does this look like exactly? Well, the man takes his lady partner, wraps one arm around her neck and places his other hand on her buttock (just one buttock though). He then places his pelvic area up against her pelvic area and begins to thrust gingerly. It’s all very subtle. It’s also the ONLY SCENE in the entire movie where people dance in this manner. The rest of the dancing is merely suggestive. Are you gonna buy a ticket for a movie called Suggestive Dancing though? Probably not. Baby sees Johnny on the dance floor and freezes like a sheep in headlights. She hits him with the hungry eyes (more on those in a minute). He sees her hungry eyes and raises her one dirty dance. She giddily accepts. She parts her thighs and Johnny comes a gentle jackhammerin’....and once they are up in each other’s areas they could not look LESS enthused. I guess these kids had some bad blood going all the way back to Red Dawn in 1984...and it shows. Often. Some quick math though while we’re talking about the actors: Baby Houseman is supposed to be 17. Patrick Swayze was 34 when they filmed this movie. Last I checked....34 is 17 TIMES TWO!!! Dude....ICK!!! But wait...Jennifer Grey was actually already 27...so it’s cool. I guess I’ll just keep watching these two borderline senior citizens hump each other’s legs then.
The following evening Baby is still trying to outrun the nepotistic nightmare that is Neil Kellerman. He takes her into the kitchen and offers to make her anything she’d like even though it’s clear he has never been in a kitchen or cooked food before. While Neil is searching for the caviar omelettes, Baby spies Penny crying in a corner. Neil is dispensed with and Baby returns to find out what’s the what. It turns out that Penny is knocked up, possibly definitely by Robbie the brain surgeon waiter. She’s afraid that she'll give birth to this asshole’s asshole kid so she wants to terminate the pregnancy. It happens. They got a guy in New Paltz who will do the business but they need $250. Baby is all “just ask Robbie for the money...he’s shit loaded.” They’re like “whoooo the fuck are you again?” Actually, what Penny says is “why don’t you go back to your playpen....BABY!?” Sickest of burns! Third degree yow! MYOB ‘lil Ms Seventeen!
Undeterred, Baby marches right into the resto the next morning and straight up asks Robbie for some abortion dosh. Robbie says that he isn’t even sure the kid is his as Penny has balled every dude in the Catskills. Here I’d like to point out that I have used the term “ball” as in “to have intercourse” in every single review that I have written but this is the first time I have heard it spoken by a character on screen! Robbie says that “some people count, and some don’t” which is the moral of this story, and also, of life in general. Baby is unimpressed. She takes a pitcher of ice water and pours it down the front of Robbie’s drawers. Baby Houseman: she’s a boss bitch like that.
Baby decides to ask Dr Housman for the deuce and a half...and he happily forks it over...even though $250 was like a million bucks in 1963. Such a solid guy, Dr Houseman. So Penny can go do her thing but now we have another problem...which will ultimately result in this movie having some semblance of a plot. With Penny in her delicate condition Johnny is shit out of a partner for their upcoming dancing engagements. Baby says that SHE will be his new dance partner. Everyone in the room is all like “YOU!? But you can’t even dance!” But she’s like “Umm...yeah, my dad is Joel Grey. Willkommen, motherfuckers!!” And so begins a good ten minute “learning how to dance” montage. At first, Baby doesn’t know a one from a four. (“All the white people clap your hands on the 4, now”—Prince). But she pulls herself up by the jean shorts and does her iconic solo Wipeout dance number on the stairs...and that shit is hawt. There’s your PG-13 rating right there. She and Johnny practice their moves to “Hungry Eyes” by Eric Carmen, who was the lead singer of power pop legends The Raspberries, which is awesome, and who is now a drooling far right Trump fanboy, which is less awesome. Here I want to go ahead and say that I have ALWAYS had a huge problem with the use of contemporary music in this film. It’s all Be My Baby and Do You Love Me until Hungry Eyes rolls in with its gauzy synths and cheese doodle sax solos. Was there a draught of oldies to license for this flick?? Stay in your lane, people!
So Baby is a regular Gwen Verdon in no time....but they still need to practice their signature move...which involves the following: Baby sprints at Johnny like a bull. He grabs her and raises her above his head where he holds her aloft for about five seconds. How this move is exciting to anyone remains a mystery to me. It ain’t exactly the pamchenko, know what I’m sayin’? One afternoon, following a particular grueling practice, Johnny realizes that he has locked his keys in his car. Instead of waiting for AAA to show up Johnny picks up a rock and smashes his own damn window (in his defense it WAS raining balls). Baby sees this willful destruction of personal property and goes gaga and howls “you’re wild!” It becomes the second most quoted line from this movie.
Baby and Johnny hit the Sheldrake Hotel to do their little Mambo #5. Everything goes according to plan until it’s time for that final lift thing. Baby charges at Johnny but decides to pump the brakes at the last minute and bust out some silly ass Wayne’s World dance. No one seems to notice. Oh! Speaking of noticing: while the kids are doing their routine they spy a profoundly elderly couple from Kellerman’s in the audience who may or may not be ganking wallets. I only mention this old couple because I’m going to have to mention them again like three paragraphs from now. They’re still pretty jazzed about their performance overall...but when they get back to the Kellz their upside down frowns turn back into frowns when they learn that Penny’s abortion went shittily. Cousin Billy tells them that the dude showed up with a folding table and a dirty knife or something hideous. She’s in a bad way. Baby has the good sense to go wake up her pops, who just happened to have brought his doctor bag to the Catskills. You never know when you’re gonna have to slice an errant dinner roll out of a nonagenarian’s trachea, amirite? Dr Houseman assesses the sitch with his trademark cool, calm calmness. He’s gonna save the day because day saving is his business! He asks the crowd of concerned onlookers who’s responsible for Penny. Johnny says that he is...which leads to the dumbest misunderstanding in the history of movie misunderstandings. He means he’s responsible as in Penny is his partner....but the kid is not my son, you dig? Dr Housman saves Penny’s life but his demeanor quickly darkens afterwards. Not an unreasonable reaction from someone called upon to fix a botched abortion in the middle of the night. On vacation. He spurns Johnny’s handshake and tells Baby that she isn’t the person he thought she was. Baby is so upset she collapses in her bunk and sobs. JUST KIDDING! I mean she runs to Johnny’s cabin where she finds him listening to Otis Redding like the shirtless adonis that he is. They dance sexily and Johnny takes her virginity. So...not a total loss. The night....not the virginity.
The next morning at breakfast Dr Housman tells his family that the summer is over like Grover and they are returning to Nyack post haste. Superfluous older sister freaks out as this means she will not get to sing her special solo at the big season-ending talent show. Dr Housman reverses course because he’s just the nicest fricken’ guy. Lisa confides in Baby that the real reason she wants to stay is so she can lose her V to the loathsome Robbie! Baby is all “ehhh....better make him double bag it!”
Baby jumps at the opportunity to jump right back in the sack with Johnny. While they are lying in bed after their latest ball sesh Baby asks Johnny if he’s been with many women. Johnny’s response: “what?? Humina humina...wha....NO!!” He then tells Baby that she cannot possibly know what it was like to grow up on the streets like he did...and then to wind up at Kellerman’s and have 2 to 3 women throw themselves at him every day. So the actual number of women he has been with is, what, 175? 225? Somewhere in that ballpark. One afternoon Robbie shows up at the guest quarters and gets all mouthy so Johnny rips his throat out!!! I mean...not really. But he does throw him a decent beating....which is prolly a bad move cuz the haves always trump the have nots (mmm hmm).
One afternoon, while the cast is practicing for the grand finale, we learn that there’s a certain breed of lady guest called the Bungalow Bunny. Basically bored rich husbands pay Johnny cash money to sex their bored rich wives. It’s mad gross. Johnny is offered some scratch to entertain the cougery Mrs Pressman but he declines because he’s in serious like with Baby. While this scene playing out Lisa Houseman is onstage practicing her screamingly terrible song for the talent show. I have always been curious about this song because it makes Lou Reed’s Metal Machine Music sound like I Want to Hold Your Hand. Turns out the song is called Hula Hana and the actress who plays Lisa fucking WROTE IT!!! Sweet Christ on a cracker! I noticed that this tune didn’t make the soundtrack. Either of them. Crazy.
After she practices her...what have you...Lisa tells Baby that she’s gonna go all the way with Robbie...in case you already forgot the time she said exactly that like 5 minutes ago. Later that night she heads to Robbie’s cabin while a contemporary song with lyrics like “Yes, we're gonna make love it's gonna be tonight” plays in the background...just in case you were STILL CONFUSED about Lisa’s intentions! She gets to Robbie’s cabin and OH Snap! Guess what she saw?? Robbie balling out Mrs Pressman. Lisa...girl, you got lucky! You know who didn’t get lucky? Baby. I mean sexually she did...but the next morning Mrs Pressman sees baby crawl out of Johnny’s crib with coitus head. Even though Mrs Pressman got hers she still feels the jilt. She fingers Johnny for all of that wallet thievery I mentioned earlier. When the Houseman’s are chowing some brekky Mr Kellerman tells them that he had to let Johnny go. I’m sure he’s just heartbroken too, the heartless prick. Baby is all verklempt but she can’t spit out why. But finally...through wet rivers of tears...she says that Johnny couldn’t have possibly been out snatching wallets as he was in the hay with her! This news makes Kellerman even angrier. Dr Housman looks like he wants to drown himself in the fuckin’ lake (better hurry dude). Of course Johnny gets shitcanned anyway because the #1 rule in the Kellerman’s handbook is not “thou shall not steal” but “thou shall not ball the guests daughters.” Before he clears out, Johnny goes to see Dr Housman who is like “Christ, will no one give me a moment’s peace before the summer is over!?” Houseman STILL thinks that Johnny got Penny pregnant and Johnny STILL does not tell him that he did not. Dude, clear this shit UP, you daft prick! He goes to say goodbye to Baby, who beats his chest and wails. Patrick Swayze’s tune She’s Like the Wind starts to play in the background. Of all of the contemporary songs in this movie I have the least amount of beef with this one. It’s a pretty decent song, celebrity song-wise. I don’t know why Swayze didn’t write more music in his life. Or did he and I just don’t know about it?
Anyway...it’s finally closing time at Kellermans and the whole resort has gathered to join hands and hearts and voices....voices hearts and hands. Dr Houseman tries to slip Robbie a Med school recommendation (wait...I thought he was already AT Yale??) but then Robbie thanks the doc for the abortion assist and the recommendation is promptly unslipped. Johnny, who apparently did not even make it to I-87, blows into the room like Jesus in the temple and makes a beeline for the Houseman table. He utters the line we’ve all been waiting for: “nobody puts Baby in the corner!” HUZZAH!!! #1 with a bullet! I know it’s supposed to be...like...a metaphor....and I’m probably not the first person to point this out....but Baby is not really sitting in the corner. She’s next to this....stone beam? Or maybe it’s a mock chimney? Either way...it’s the best seat at that particular table! She can look straight at the stage without craning her neck. Anyway, Johnny gets up on the stage and talks about how Baby changed his life and how he always gets the last dance of the summer and zzzzzzz do the lift already!! Johnny slips the DJ a 45 of “I Had the Time of My Life” and everyone looks at each other like “what kind of futuristic 1987 bullshit is THIS!?” Baby and Johnny do their dance number and Mrs Houseman is heard to say that Baby must have inherited her dance moves from her. And who are YOU?? You haven’t had any lines throughout the entire movie! They finally execute the lift, which means that Robbie has to spend the next morning sweeping people’s jaws off of the ballroom floor. Dr Houseman apologizes to Johnny because when he’s wrong he’s wrong. He no longer hates Johnny and is happy to let him continue to have relations with his 17 year-old daughter. They really should’ve called this movie Dr Houseman’s Bummer Summer. The end.