Halloween 2019
I don’t really feel like I have much to add to the conversation when it comes to Stephen King. Whether you love him or hate him you have to at least concede the man is prolific. I’m not sure how long it would take one to read every last bit of material King has published over the last 45 years...but my guess is probably around 45 years. He’s the Robert Pollard of the publishing world (and if you understand that reference, please give yourself a high-five). His work has been translated to the big screen by everyone from Stanley Kubrick and David Cronenberg to Ralph Singleton and Michael Gornick. In other words...for every one prestige picture with an Oscar nominated Director attached there’s at least 3 Z-grade splatter flicks...not to mention all of those unfortunate early 90’s made-for-TV mini-series’ (Tommyknockers, I’m looking in your direction). On paper, an anthology film of Stephen King's short stories sounds like a fantastic idea. Shawshank Redemption was based on a short story...as was Stand by Me. However, not all of King’s short stories were created equally. By the early 1980’s the man’s writing routine involved slugging a case of Bud Light tallboys and then whacking up an ounce of blow and seeing what spilled onto the page. In his incredible memoir On Writing, King confesses to having little recollection of writing a lot of the material that was published during this era. While I don’t have any firsthand information of any kind I’m gonna go ahead and assume that the three stories that were adapted for Creepshow 2 were written in a compromised state of mind. Creepshow 2 is the sequel to, umm...Creepshow 1. Part 1 is a solid enough flick. It came out in 1981 and was directed by Night of the Living Dead’s George A Romero. Part 2 was released in 1987 and was clearly produced by people who were eating cocaine for breakfast. They filmed three of King’s short stories for Creepshow 2...all of which are introduced by an animated ghoul called “The Creep” who looks like Gargamel from The Smurfs...if Gragamel had testicles for a chin. He is introduced during the opening credits, which are scored with some woozy keyboard trills that sound like they were played by Rick Wakeman from the band Yes....probably due to the fact that they were played by Rick Wakeman from the band Yes. It was at this point that I realized that I had mistakenly thought that Creepshow and Tales from the Crypt were the same thing. Sucks to be me, eh?? So we’ve got the not-the-Crypt-Keeper-narrator as well as a bunch of framing scenes involving this little boy named Billy who keeps trying to outrun the local bullies around the mean streets of Bangor, Maine. We’re not gonna get into all of that, though. We’re gonna focus exclusively on the middle story (“The Raft”) because it’s the only one I have actually read...and because it’s suuuuuper fucked up. A quick run down of the other two stories goes something like this: Story #1 is called “Old Chief Wood’nhead” and it stars George Kennedy and Dorothy Lamour as an elderly couple who run a general store in the middle of bumfuck Arizona that features a giant wooden Indian on its front porch. For those of y’all not in the know--George Kennedy won an Oscar for his performance in Cool Hand Luke and had a late career resurgence when he starred as Leslie Nielsen’s partner in The Naked Gun films. Dorothy Lamour appeared in a butt ton of those “Road To..” movies with Bing Crosby throughout the 40’s and 50’s. Creepshow 2 was her final film credit. I’m sure she died proud. Anyway...the old folks’ general store is about to go tits up...but a non-wooden Indian chief shows up and gives them an amulet or whatever and tells them that all of their debts will be paid off in two autumn’s time. Easy Peasy Jap-o-nese, right?? In theory...yes. However, when the old folks return to the store they are beaten and robbed by the Indian chief’s bare-chested asshole nephew and his gringo henchmen...who call the old couple “wide eye” and threaten to shove dicks in their mouths. He actually does the old couple one worse than that: he murders both of them. He’s a good looking kid, this asshole no shirt nephew, and he’s planning on taking his ill gotten gains and moving to Hollywood to be a movie star. Instead of lighting out for the hinterlands with the quickness, the nephew and his pals decide to head to their respective homes to pack their bags and make turkey sandwiches for the road and whatnot. This decision was made with complete ignorance of the fact that the giant wooden Indian statue in front of the general store is somehow ALIVE and feeling pretty..pretty...pretty bummed out about his murdered general store owner buddies. The wooden Indian hunts down the nephew and his fellow goons and kills all of them...and horribly. The uncle returns to the store and converts it into a high stakes bingo parlor. So that’s the end of that. The third story is called The Hitch-Hiker (spelling theirs) which unfortunately has nothing to do with the C. Thomas Howell/Rutger Hauer film of the not-quite-the-same name. In this one we meet Mrs Annie Lansing...played by the lady who played Dr Holly Goodhead in the 24th best James Bond movie Moonraker. Annie is a married middle aged lady who has slipped out in the evening to rendezvous with a male prostitute because the 80’s are dumb and this movie was made by men high on loads of booger sugar. The male prostitute says he charges by the orgasm...and that she owes him for a 6-pack. Dayyum! She heads home in her Mercedes and rips a ton of cigarettes and talks to herself a bunch. While she’s in the process of doing those things I just mentioned she plows intro a pedestrian. She decides to take off because this wouldn’t be much of a vignette if she stopped to call 911, you dig? Mrs Lansing duddn’t get but 10 miles up the road before the zombie ghost of the run over hitchhiker starts pounding on her hood and yelling “thanks for the ride, lady!” over...and over...and over again. Kind of reminded me of the “got a light??” guy from the new season of Twin Peaks...but also not really at all. So he keeps repeating his catchphrase...and she keeps running him over and shooting him and chopping him up. This is all well and good ‘cept she’s white and he’s the black and I’m not saying it’s racist....but it also looks really, really racist. That’s cool, though--The Hitchhiker eventually follows Mrs Lansing to her garage and eats her to death. So there’s that. And now we come to “The Raft.” I read this short story at age 12 and it made me extremely uncomfortable. Then I watched the Creepshow 2 version at age 40 and it made me PROFOUNDLY uncomfortable. So then I went back and re-read the short story and GAHHHH what the fuck was wrong with early 80’s Stephen King?? (besides drugs). The movie left me disturbed so I turned to the text looking for answers only to find that what was on the page was FAR more fucked up than what ended up on screen. What happens in this: four college students decide to break up the monotony of their midterm exams by driving out to a secluded lake and taking one last swim out to a raft...even though it is late October and, thus, way too cold to be swimming out to a raft. The guilty parties are Deke--the all-American, blonde-mulleted jock....his straight-laced pre-med student pal Randy...and the the ladies...the vaguely trampy LaVerne who has a crush on Deke...and Rachel...who has no character arc to speak of. In the short story the foursome drive up to the lake in the middle of the night...blasting Thin Lizzy on the stereo of Deke’s Pontiac Firebird all the way there. In the film they head to the lake in the middle of the afternoon...blasting a Thin Lizzy sound-alike prolly ‘cuz they couldn’t afford actual Thin Lizzy (Instead of “Dun...Dun...DunNuh”...It’s “Din...Din...DinNin”). They’re all screwin’ up to the lake...ripping ganja and talking to each other in vaguely racist garbled Spanish. At one point Deke says “I feel the need for WEED”...which is surely a reference to Top Gun...which came out when this movie was in production. They arrive at the lake...which looks more like a puddle in the Universal Studios backlot. But with a raft, of course. They all swim out to the raft and complain that the water is as cold as balls. I did a little research and found that the reason for this is that the water was, in fact, as cold as balls. The actor who played Deke (and who’s last name is Beer. Heh) got hypothermia and nearly DIED. Hope it was worth it, brah. They reach the raft and everyone is psyched...even though Deke is wearing a gold speedo. It’s all good though--apparently he tucked his weed under his taint and it survived the swim so everyone can smoke up on the raft. Deke and LaVerne are all over each other and Randy is pissed because he like...likes her or something. Nothing wrong with some sideways glances. Far more innocuous than what happens in the story...which is that he randomly...and without provocation...starts beating the SHIT out of LaVerne! A lady. He just starts fantasizing about hitting her...and then he does it!! Hey man...the coke ain’t that bad! What in the name of Christ and all of the apostles?? Oh wait...did I mention the “thing”? Right so they are on the raft doing whatever and they notice there’s this big ominous spot on the lake moving towards them. In the story it is described as a hypnotizing mass full of swirling colors. In the movie it looks like they just threw a ton of trash bags into a lake and tied them together. Seriously...it looks like slightly menacing floating cabbage. The trash bag cabbage floats under the raft and yanks Rachel into the water. She keeps resurfacing...each time more bloodied and with less body parts. It’s gross and terrible and all...but honestly...her character wasn’t really developed...so it’s hard to feel much about it. Randy tried to jump in and save her but Deke is all “dude, forget it....she’s DEAD!” Kid has a good point right there. Randy proceeds to puke everywhere. It is mad gross. They discuss their next move. LaVerne wants to swim for the shore. The dudes tell her they are gonna “smoke her” if she doesn’t shut her mouth. I proceed to puke everywhere. It is mad gross. All ‘a sudden the trash bag alien comes through the raft and starts to chow on Deke...nut hugger briefs and all. So he’s all dead now...which leaves Randy and LaVerne. They gotta stand very, very still on a plank otherwise the trash bag cabbage will eat them up. They stand stock still though the night (why they do not just text someone to come rescue them I do not know). They eventually lie down to sleep. Well...LaVerne does, anyway. Randy stays awake and pulls LaVerne’s shirt off and starts licking her breasts. I’m watching this and thinking, you know, sexual assault and such...but in the story they actually have intercourse...and she’s way into it...even though he BEAT HER UP! Whatever..the thing eats her through the raft. Randy the raping lady beater swims for the shore and manages to outrun the cabbage bag. He’s sitting on the beach yelling “I beat you!” and then a crabbage tidal wave crests over his head devouring his entire body. Who’s the asshole now, asshole?? I’m glad Stephen King got sober. The end.