Here’s the deal: My parents were mostly happy to indulge my crippling movie watching habit, offering pick up and drop off service to the cinema and coughing up the dough to help cover my not insubstantial video store late fees, I would always start to get a bit of pushback when school let out for the summer. You see--I was born in New England and have lived there my entire life. Like any good Masshole will tell you, whether you asked or not, up here the out of doors remains too cold to inhabit for 315 days out of the year. But my moviegoing thirst wasn’t seasonal...it was INSATIABLE. I wanted to watch movies all the time...always. If there’s a better combination than a hot summer night, a wood panelled basement, and a horror movie watched on a weathered VHS tape I have yet to hear of it! But my folks couldn’t understand why I would choose to spend that heartbreakingly brief season of euphoria-inducing sunshine glued to the tube. But I did….and still do! In fact—right this very moment it’s a cloudless, 90 degree day in early June and I’m inside typing a 3000 word joke review of a 30 year-old movie instead of sitting on my front stoop sipping muscadet and watching the sidewalk gum boil. Since my parents had jobs they had to go to, I was free to hang out on my waterbed watching Tremors all damn day. My folks still forced me to go on vacation at least once a summer (tough life, right?). Every August, my dad would bring my older cousin Nick and I to Misquamicut Beach in Westerly, Rhode Island. ...which is...you know...a beach. They got sand and surf and fried clams and maybe some Ski Ball and that’s about it. But for me, it might as well have been Cote d’Azur. I LOVED it! I was nine years old on our first trip and had rarely left Worcester County so what the hell did I know? The hotel we stayed at had Pole Position in the lobby. I mean...who needs the French Riviera?? Did a week in the sun and sand quell my appetite for the flicks? Not even a little bit. I would pick up a local newspaper the day we arrived, turn to the movie section, and stick a list of local showtimes under my dad’s nose. My poor dad...who wanted nothing more than to pound brews from sunup to sundown….maybe dip out to the car for a jazz cigarette while Nick and I were busy setting up the Monopoly board. He specifically did NOT want to leave the beach and drive to a movie theater. At all. And looking back, I can’t say I blame him. After all, there was probably more Coors Light in his blood than blood the entire time we were on vacation. But in the summer of 1989 I caught a lucky break: it rained! And since one can only play so much Pole Position, my father relented and agreed to take us to the movies. But unfortunately for my parents (and everyone else who has ever had to deal with me) they only had one child...and only children be PUSH-Y! Although it had been in theaters for over two months, we had yet to see Tim Burton’s Batman. I can’t think of a better way to while away a rainy summer day than watching Jack Nicholson rip it up as a Joker. Films like Batman were created for that express purpose. Except I DID think of a better way to spend that afternoon...and it involved watching the Tom Hanks cop dog buddy comedy Turner & Hooch. To say my dad and cousin were not on board with this would be an understatement. But I whined and pouted and cajoled and produced a review from the Westerly Times that awarded T&H a higher score than Batman ( Southern Rhode Island being so well known for its award-winning film criticism and all. Pauline Kaels just crawling out of the woodwork down there). I got my way. We saw Turner & Hooch...and it sucked. In 1990 we got another rainy day and everyone got hyped to go see Steve Martin in My Blue Heaven….until I announced that we had to see Air America, starring rehabbed substance abuser Robert Downey Jr and unrehabbed anti semite Mel Gibson, or I would LOSE MY MIND! What can I say?I thought in my heart of hearts that Air America was going to be the best movie in a summer that had already seen the release of Die Hard 2 and Total Recall. I also thought Slaughter’s Stick it To Ya was better than Abbey Road in 1991...what are you gonna do? Another year...another overcast beach day. “Perfect time to go see Kathleen Turner in V.I. Warshawski, right fellas?” I said, pleadingly. This time the unthinkable happened: I was overruled. IGNORED! NO ONE wanted to see V.I. Warshawski...not in our beachside hotel room or anywhere else in the world. Now it was my dad’s turn to produce a one-star review of my pick. My cousin and father both wanted to see City Slickers, which opened June 1st and was still playing in the middle of August. I stomped by British Knight’s and whined a blue streak. “City Slickers?? With the guy from Running Scared?? Oh I’m sure that will be funny...OH SURE!” but this time my cries went roundly ignored. Nick was already 15 and could beat the shit out of me and my dad was, you know, my dad. I think I even threatened to just NOT watch the movie if they brought me to see it. It was 1991–what was I gonna do? Sit there and live Tweet about how pissed off I was?? What happened was—I watched City Slickers. And I loved it! So I watched it again for this Films of Summer ‘91 project I’m workin’ on...and I still dig it! City Slickers currently has a Rotten Tomatoes score of 90%...which is 81 percentage points higher than most of the movies I choose to review on this site. So...I don’t know...I guess we’ll see how I do!
What happens is this: we open in Pamplona, Spain….where one million strong have gathered for the annual running of the bulls. You know what event I can’t fucking believe is a real thing? The running of the bulls. What’s THAT all about,I wonder? I should google it later. Among the assembled bull evaders are three ungratefully wealthy New Yorkers played by Comic Relief 1-20’s Billy Crystal (Mitch), The Wonder Years narrator Daniel Stern (Phil), and man who deserved better than to die after shooting an episode of Entourage Bruno Kirby (Ed). Mitch is a neurotic ad exec because Billy Crystal only has one speed and it's neurotic something or other. Phil is a grocery store manager who is unhappily married to a woman whom he frequently fantasizes about assaulting. And, even though he looks like Super Mario leapt out of the screen, Ed is a swinging cad. The fellas have travelled to Spain for the San Fermin Festival, yes, but also to prolong their youth or some bullshit. Do you have to be young to sign up to run from bulls? I bet it helps. I couldn’t run to my kitchen right now and it’s 20 feet away. I’d be like...you fuckin’ got me, bull—now where the dank tapas at?” The fellas run from bulls...which is awesome...but Mitch gets gored in the asshole...which is less awesome. They bring him to a local hospital where he tells the doctor not to sew up anything important (“I’ll sew ya asshole shut and keep feedin’ ya!”--The Wu-Tang Clan). I wonder how much coin you have to drop for emergency medical procedures while vacationing in Europe. After the exchange rate and shit? Gotta be gnarly. After an animated opening credits sequence that goes on for approximately 37 minutes, the fellas return to their lives as affluent New Yorkers. Mitch is happily married to Thirtysomething star who is now 70 Patricia Wettig but the dude is in full on meltdown mode ‘cuz….get this...HE’S TURNING 39!!! The horror...the horror!! I originally saw this movie when I was 11….and my DAD was only 32...so to us 39 was ancient….so we could groove with what this movie was throwing down. Now I’m 42..which is the same age as Billy Crystal was when he made this movie. Now he’s older than the old Borscht Belt comedian he played in his career-derailing follow up to this flick, Mr Saturday Night. My father is now dead. ANYWAY! Mitch is a bundle of exposed nerves...even though he lives in a dope ass apartment with baller views of the Manhattan skyline. Here I need to point out that Mitch is shown riding the Roosevelt Island Tramway, a cable car that flies high over the Queensbboro bridge, to work, which clearly suggests that he lives on Roosevelt Island. You know who has two thumbs and lived on Roosevelt Island for 9 months in 2001? This guy! I haven't been back in 20 years but I heard they eventually spiffed up the joint and people started intentionally moving there, no doubt lured in by the fact that it’s where they filmed Jennifer Connelley’s scarcely enjoyed 2005 film Dark Water. But in 2001 it looked like the set of a David Fincher movie. Specifically: Seven. They had one restaurant, an abandoned mental hospital, and row after row of these blocky Easter European-looking high rise apartment buildings. But hey--they also had a video store and a Gristedes where you could buy a 6-pack of Meister Brau for $2.99...so my needs were met. So yeah--there’s no way 1991 fictional Billy Crystal lives on Roosevelt Island. He’s got a cushy job buying radio jingles...but his boss, veteran character actor who is now cancelled Jeffery Tambor, thinks that he’s lost his touch. That he isn’t as hungry as the younger guys who work for the station. Tambor relays this to Mitch in a scene that feels like a carbon copy of the scene in Parenthood' where Steve Martin’s boss tells him that he needs to spend less time with his family and more time trying to “get guys laid.” And the reason for this is that City Slickers was written by Lowell Ganz and Babaloo Mandel, who also wrote Parenthood. And Splash. And The Money Pit. And A league of Their Own. That’s an ace resume right there, y’all. Tambor puts Mitch on work probation, which makes his already acute malaise feel more malaisious. After work, Mitch has to drop by his 10 year-old son’s classroom because it’s Bring Your Father to School and Make Him Tell the Class About His Employment History Day. Puzzlingly enough, Mitch is one of only two dads slated to speak in front of the class. I’ll let it slide though ‘cuz the other dad, Danny DeVito look alike and actual Danny DeVito voice double Bobby Costanzo, is hella funny. Mitch’s son, who looks like notoriously terrible restaurant patron Jake Gylllenhaal at 10 years old because he’s 10 year-old Jake Gyllenhaal, is embarrassed that his old man doesn't have a rock star job and tells his classmates that Mitch is a submarine commander. MItch gets up in front of the class and delivers an incredibly poignant and devastatingly depressing description of what the children can expect from the rest of their lives. “And then in your 50’s you’ll have your first surgery...although you’ll call it a procedure.” Jesus. You’ll have to excuse me while I go and check if the shower rod can take my weight.
Mitch’s wife throws him a 39th birthday party and his boys Phil and Ed show up with a bag of molly and things get SLICK! Just kidding--they mostly sit around drinking Grolsch and trading one-liners. Ed, who is now engaged to a lingerie model half his age, has a suggestion for their 25th annual Bro Down...and his suggestion is this: they will fly to New Mexico and help drive a herd of cattle down (up?) to Colorado. Ed’s idea is dismissed immediately and ferociously. But then something kah-razy happens! The voice of Lisa Simpson barges into the party and, in full view of all of the guests, informs Phil that she LATE! You know...for her THING!? Her lady time!? Phil’s like “humina humina what’s that gotta do with me??” but dude...we all know y’all have been smashing. And his wife knows what’s going on...which is a real problem. For all of the regular reasons, yes, but also because the grocery store Phil manges is owned by his father in law! And Lisa Simpson’s voice is a cashier at said grocery store! Shit, I bet the Gristedes on Roosevelt Island is hiring. A huge blowout ensues, wherein Phil tells his wife that he hates her. HATES HER! He tells her that “if hate were people..I’d be CHINA!” Not gonna lie...I’m not really sure what that means exactly. I do know that this scene brings the party to a screeching halt. Afterwards, Pat Wettig asks Mitch if he’s happy. He says that he is not. She asks if he wants to go herd cattle in New Mexico. Also no. She asks him if he’s gonna impregnate a teenaged grocery clerk. FOR THE THIRD TIME...NO! She tells him that she wants him to go to New Mexico to “find his smile.” He agrees because...well...it wouldn’t be much of a movie if they just went to Vegas and did a ton of blow, would it? Then it would be The Hangover. Again--not much of a movie.
The dudes fly to New Mexico and travel to a ranch that’s run by man who I almost didn’t recognize as he is not playing a racist sheriff, Noble Willingham. He tells the assembled amateur cattle herders “you come out city slickers but you’re goin’ home cowboys.” I don’t know about y’all but every time I’m watching a movie and where a character says the name of the movie I feel like tearing my shirt off and running out of my house cheering and banging pots and pans together. Just me? Cool. There, they join a group that includes an african american father/son dentist duo, an alcoholic chef, a pair of rapey ranch hands, and a portly ice cream making duo (played by the great David Paymer and the man who I assumed was long dead but is actually still alive Josh Mostel) that is so clearly supposed to be Ben & Jerry that I’m shocked they didn’t sue Columbia Pictures. Representing the entire female race is Supergirl star and possibly my first celebrity crush Helen Slater. I feel like she was everywhere in the 80’s but I checked her IMDb and it turns out she was only in like four movies. But they all MURDERED! She’s single and Daniel Stern’s character is single and if they don’t end up together by the end of the movie I’ll eat the movie. Ed is ready to dive right in and start wrestling cattle but his buddies are miserable. Phil keeps talking about how much he wants to murder his now ex-wife. Maybe you shouldn’t have cheated on her slash married her in the first place, homie. After a visit to the ranch gift shop to pick out some new cowboy duds (note: a gift shop??) Mitch makes a half-hearted attempt at learning how to use a lasso and nearly hangs himself to death. Before they can even hit the dusty trail those shithead ranch hands start to sexually harass Helen Slater. Mitch leaps to Slater’s defense. Tells the dudes that their behavior “isn’t exactly 90’s behavior.” They look like they’re about to pull out all of Mitch’s curls one by one until a shadowy figure appears on horseback and chokes out one of the dudes and throws a knife at the other dude’s balls. The camera pans up and HOLY SHIT! It’s Tango & Cash villain and man who accidentally gave Marisa Tomei a Best Supporting Actress for My Cousin Vinny Jack Palance! Palance is Curly the ranch boss, who is also a badass old fashioned republican macho cowboy. Dude lights his cigarettes by striking a match on his OWN FACE! Phil sizes up this dark rider and says “did you see how leathery he was? He was like a saddle bag with eyes!” Man...this movie had ZINGERS! By the mile. Speaking of—when Curly overhears Mitch talking some mile smack about him he rolls up to Mitch and tells him that he craps bigger than him. Now that’s gold! Not to be confused with Curly’s Gold...which is the sequel..and also terrible).
Once this ragtag crew finally take their bovine buddies and giddyup they spend an awful lot of time just embroiled in lengthy conversations about the meaning of life. It’s all primo dialogue too. They could totally adapt this movie for the Broadway stage...EASY. It’s like Blazing Saddles meet Neil LaBute minus all of the overt racism. Not sure how they would handle the cows though. Here I should mention that City Slickers was directed by the same dude who directed Tremors...which marks the second time I have mentioned Tremors in this review. Would this movie have benefited from the presence of a couple of underground flesh eating snake-a-zoid monsters? I mean--what movie wouldn’t?? Anyway, Ed mentions that he would like to bang the shit out of Helen Slater and asks why Mitch doesn’t ever feel like cheating on his wife. Mitch says that he prefers to admire Picassos in museums...not rip them off the wall. Fair doss, mate. Ed says that he wants to put babies in his model girlfriend but is afraid he’ll screw it up by being unfaithful. Mitch suggests that he, you know, not do that. When dawn breaks on day #2, Mitch pulls out a battery-powered coffee grinder, correctly surmising that there is nowhere to find a decent cup of fair trade sumatra in the wild wild west. His portable device spooks the herd, though, and the animals destroy the entire makeshift camp before splitting for points unknown (“BULLS ON PARADE!!!”--Rage Against the Machine). Everyone is ripshit at Mitch. Hey, Josh Mostel has a CELL PHONE...in 1991...and no one gives him any guff. Can’t possible catch more than a bar or two in the middle of the Rockies. Curly looks at Mitch like “Ok Mr Matcha Latte--me and you are gonna ride out and round up all of the strays together.” Mitch jokes that his time alone with Curly will be just like Deliverence...because rape is hilarious. After they round up the cows, Mitch and Curly make camp for the night and engage in a little gettin’ to know ya jibber jabber. Curly tells Mitch that he doesn’t find his humor very funny. You know what tho? I do! Billy Crystal absolute crushes it in this movie. Makes me feel kinda bad that he squandered the good will he built up here with...every single movie he has appeared in since. Mitch asks Curly if he’s ever been in love...which is probably not something you would ask a chain-smoking 76 year-old cowboy you have known less than 48 hours and who has been a total prick to you the entire time. Curly says that he fell in love with a redhead that he met ONE TIME and didn’t even bother speaking to. Bro, you are mad old...maybe sign up for Tinder before it’s too late. The next morning, Curly tells Mitch that the secret to life is one thing (holds up index finger)...but won’t tell Mitch what that one thing is. It’s the single most annoying mystery since we tried to find out what exactly Meatloaf will NOT do for love.
Later that afternoon, one of the cows unexpectedly goes into labor and Mitch is forced to yank a baby calf out of his mama's area. This scene shocked the bejeezus out of me when I first saw it...because I still thought baby cows were delivered by the stork! This scene is unbelievably graphic. Amniotic fluid flowing like the river wild! It’s also fake. The baby calf is real, though. He’s cute as shit. Mitch names him Norman and his thoughts are voiced by Roseanne Barr. Not really, though. Mitch returns to camp with a new animal buddy and some serious pep in his step. But then, like 30 seconds later, Curly up and fucking DIES! Massive coronary while smoking his 100th cigarette of the day. Those cowboys killers will kill ya, cowboy. The crew returns to New Mexico and are immediately issued refunds. Just kidding! The fucking bury Curly in the middle of the desert and put the rapey cowboys in charge of their crumbling caravan. Things quickly go from shitty to amazingly shitty. First the drunk chef drinks more than even a drunk chef can handle and drives his old timey Deadwood horse carriage off a cliff. Luckily, he only breaks both of his legs, which is more than I can say about those poor horses. One day--three graves dug. The Dentist and his son volunteer to leave the movie to bring the chef to a hospital in Taos, bringing the number of persons of color in this movie back down to zero. Can’t say I blame ‘em. When night falls, the shitty cowboys find what’s left of the chef’s stash and get Serge Gainsbourg-on-an-80’s-talk-show drunk. Naturally, we assume that they’re gonna go after Helen Slater again. But no--they drag out poor little Norman and put a GUN to his head and ask who’s hungry for veal osso bucco. Mitch tries to intervene but they call him homophobic slurs and punch him in this face. This shit is DARK, dudes. There’s a minor scuffle during which Phil gains control of the gun and has a full on Travis Bickle at the end of Taxi Driver meltdown. The cowboys are like “this motherfucker is TRIPPIN’...let’s skip the calf murder and jam!” Day saved, Phil retreats to his tent where he breaks into chest-heaving sobs. Ed and Mitch rush in there to comfort him. Phil says that he’s worried he will never see his children again. As his children are not characters who are featured in this film, I remain unconcerned. He also says that the voice of Lisa Simpson was not really pregnant with his child. Actually, I think he says this way earlier in the movie...but...just putting it out there.
The majority of the remaining cast members decide that the best course of action at this late hour of the film is to leave the cattle behind and just go the hell home. David Paymer points out that the animals will most likely be cheeseburgers by the year’s end anyway. Ed and Phil insist on bringing in the herd because, well, this movie needs to end somehow. Mitch waffles and disappears for a bit before re-materializing in a slick new set of cowboy gear. What’d he ride intro town and hit up a fuckin’ Boot Barn?? So now it’s just the three lead actors tasked with trying to move about 100 large animals across state lines. And wouldn’t you frigggin’ know it--the weather immediately takes a turn for the bullshitty!? Clouds to the left of them...lightning to the right. They eventually reach a creek that’s swollen from the rainwaters and have little choice but to lead the cattle through the rapids. They manage to do so...and unremarkably. I’m sitting there watching like “this is the big climax of the movie??” It ain’t exactly Keauna Reeves jumping out of an airplane without a parachute, know what I’m saying? But my girlfriend is like “dude, who has eyes on Norman??” Lo and behold--little Norman is left behind, struggling for his life in the raging river. Mitch dives in and saves him because of course he does. It’s bad enough Jack Palance won an Oscar and they had to come up with bullshit reasons to put him in the sequel. Imagine if there was a ghost calf too?? When the dudes finally limp to their destination, they find all of their original travel mates relaxing on the front porch, sipping tea and eagerly awaiting their return...like they all wouldn't have gotten the FUCK up outta there, flown to their respective homes, and unleashed a flurry of zero-star Trip Advisor reviews (“Attempted murder and unexpected equestrian burial were NOT listed in the promotional materials!”). Everyone hoots and hollars and Helen Slater gives Phil the thumbs up, which means that, even though they have exchanged less than 3 words during this entire movie, they are totally gonna fuck. Mitch breathlessly asks Noble Willingham if he’s happy that they saved the lives of his cows and he says that it doesn’t really matter as they will be on a plate at Smith & Wollensky’s before you can say “helleeewwww.” Everyone is bummed but...you know...they just kinda leave it at that. It is what it is.
The titular city slickers return to their native city and assure their wives/girlfriends/Helen Slater that they’re forever changed by the experience. Ed is going to make babies with his young girlfriend, Phil is going to hit the classifieds and ball Helen Slater, and Mitch found his smile AND learned the meaning of life. Mitch’s wife is all like “you seem much better now...maybe you should quit your job”...and he’s like “do you think we’ll still be able to afford our $5000 a month penthouse and tuition for our children and be able to jet off to Spain once a year? Oh, and also have enough dough to board a baby calf in New York City (Mitch brought Norman home with him...because of course he did). And she’s like “sure dude--we’ll be fine.” You’ll be FINE!? Oh yeah?? I’m already older than all of the leads in this movie and you know what I can afford to do when I’m feeling directionless...or if I’ve lost my smile? I CAN GO FOR A WALK! That’s it! I couldn’t even afford a Lonely Planet tour guide to New Mexico let alone a plane ticket there! Man, everyone in this movie has affluenza. This movie sucks. Just kidding, I give it an A-minus. The end.