It will probably come as little surprise to hear that Stephen King sits way, way atop the list of living authors with the most book-to-film adaptations. And that’s not even counting the seemingly endless deluge of Stephen King-related product that has started to show up on streaming services like Netflix and Hulu over the last few years. 46 years after the release of his debut novel King has been adapted so many times that he is now starting to be re-adapted. It, originally a 1990 ABC miniseries, came to the big screen in 2017 and, in a case of the world’s most appropriate (or inappropriate) timing, a reboot of the adaptation of his novel about a worldwide killer pandemic (The Stand) is scheduled to drop in the middle of an actual worldwide killer pandemic. Me, I personally can’t wait for Sleepwalkers 2: Sleepwalk Harder...but I’m a man who really enjoys watching killer cats feast on incestuous mother/son vampire duos. That’s just my jam! King has been actively involved in the production of a fair amount of these adaptations (not Kubrick’s Shining though...don’t even go there) yet he has just one directing credit on his CV: the 1986 film Maximum Overdrive. According to his 2001 memoir On Writing, by the mid 80's, Stevie was whacking up a couple of grams of cocaine every day and then slugging down a case of Miller Lite tallboys to calm his nerves. And I’m inclined to believe the man because if there was ever a movie that feels like it was directed by someone zoomed out on the devil’s dandruff it’s Maximum Overdrive! Just look at the friggin’ trailer! Instead of featuring scenes from the movie they decided to have a heavily bearded King pitch his flick by talking directly into the camera. Dude is so jacked up he has gone cockeyed. That said, I think Maximum Overdrive is incredible. It’s about a killer truck and it’s based on a King short story called, umm, Trucks. Actually, what happens is that the earth passes by some malignant comet that causes all of the world’s machines to go berserker and murder all of the humans. People get eaten by their cars and lawnmowers and immersion blenders...all while the AC/DC BANGER “Who Made Who” plays in the background. The survivors of the appliance-ocalypse, Emilio Estavez and the voice of Lisa Simpson (Yeardley Smith) and Donald Trump’s second wife Marla Maples (appropriately cast here as “2nd woman”), take refuge in a truck stop and prepare to do battle with a fleet of nefarious circling 18-wheelers led by a truck with a scary green goblin face. True story: I waited tables with the son of the guy who painted that goblin truck...which makes us...absolutely nothing (the truck and I).
I could sit here all day and crack wise about Maximum Overdrive but, as luck (or lack thereof) would have it, I do not own a VHS copy of said film. So instead of a truck that kills people y’all are gonna hear about a car that kills people. That’s what Stephen King is all about: things that kill people. You know--cars and trucks, giant rats, big dogs, vampires, corrupt prison wardens, poop aliens, Kathy Bates, coronaviruses and so on. The flick is called John Carpenter’s Christine...and it’s crazy that John Carpenter was still getting above title credits in 1983, especially on a Stephen King adaptation. Hey, I say the man who made Halloween (and later, Big Trouble in Little China) can put his name wherever he damn well pleases!
What happens is this: we open at a Detroit automotive assembly plant in 1957. Although it’s 1957 we hear “Bad to the Bone” by George Thorogood & The Destroyers on the soundtrack. I’m not sure how many times that song has been licensed but it has to be in the hundreds. GT probably made enough money from that tune to retire at 40...but here he is...70 years-old and still coming to the Hampton Beach Casino Ballroom in New Hampshire every summer so the townies can get tanked up and try to triple fist during “One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer.” I have a buddy who went to see him a few years ago and I asked if he was still doing the “B-B-B-B-Bad” thing. He said yes, but only half assedly. Anyway, a red Plymouth Fury rolls down the assembly line and a dude pops the hood to get a look at the works. The hood falls on his hand, which prolly hurt like a bastard. One of his co-workers hops in the front seat and then just drops dead. No further information is available as to why this gentleman expired. I guess these back-to-back incidents are supposed to establish that this particular vehicle is bad...possibly all the way to the bone.
We jump ahead to September 2, 1978 where we meet a high school senior by the name of Arnie Cunningham, played by the kid who was too chickenshit to try the Triple Lindy in Back to School so Rodney Dangerfield had to do it for him (Keith Gordon). Arnie is a nerd. We know this because he wears ill-fitting Buddy Holly glasses and knocks over some trash cans on the way out of his house. His best bud Dennis, though, is a full-on letter jacket-wearing football hero jock. This all seems like boilerplate 80’s teen horror movie territory...until these dudes start talking. They are mad offensive, even for an 80’s flick. Dennis tells Arnie he should go after a girl at school because she’s a “walking sperm bank” but Arnie says that he doesn’t even have enough to make a deposit and will just continue to jerk off. GARROSS! When they arrive at school they are alerted to the presence of a new female student who “looks smart but has the body of a SLUT!” The young lady’s name is Leigh and she looks like a librarian or a pre-indictment Lori Laughlin and not at all like a slut. One of the guys mention that she has nevertheless given him a boner. Dennis and Arnie move on to shop class, which is teeming with 40 year-old bullies. The mutton chopped ringleader, Buddy Repperton, looks like Animals-era Roger Waters and carries a switchblade. He calls Arnie “cuntingham”, steps on his glasses, and stabs the shit out of his homemade yogurt lunch while his follow classmates yell “stick him!...stick him!” The shop teacher finally rushes in to break things up. Buddy waves the knife at the teacher and calls him a “cunt fuck” so he is sent to the principal’s office. Shit man--I got detention for an entire week for throwing Drakkar Noir on a kid who stole my San Jose Sharks Starter Jacket. What the hell kind of high school do THESE kids go to??
Dennis and Arnie are on their way home from school, feeling lowdown about the beatdown, when Arnie spies a busted up ’57 Plymouth Fury for sale in some Old Timer’s yard. The Old Timer offers to sell it to him for $250 smackers. Arnie figures he can buy it and fix it up and drag race the bad guys or whatever. So it’s gonna be like Better Off Dead but without any jokes. I’m in! Then the Old Timer starts to ramble on about how the original owner, his brother, was super obsessed with the car and wound up dying in it and left his aura in there or whatever. The car’s name is Christine...which you probably already know, as it is the title of the movie. Unless you thought the movie was gonna be about Christine Lahti, in which case, I’m sorry for your luck. Arnie buys the Plymouth and all of the weird juju that comes with it. I wonder if someone is out there buying my 2001 Saturn from a trash heap right now. I’m pretty positive I didn’t leave any weird energy in that particular car...but I just KNOW that there’s a 30mg time-release Adderall under the carpet somewhere.
Arnie brings Christine home and his parents are, like, unreasonably furious (about the Fury). Like, his mom cries and wails and beats her chest. Jesus lady...it ain’t like the kid came home with a pregnant teenage bride! He is forbidden from keeping the car at home so he takes it to a local junkyard that rents out garage space. The junkyard owner, played by veteran character actor and Gremlins 2 star Robert Prosky, tells Arnie that he “can’t run that mechanical asshole without an exhaust hose.” It’s at this point that I realize that the reason my cousin Nick used to call me a Mechanical Asshole when we were children is because he heard it in this movie. Mind: blown. Even though Arnie is paying for the space Prosky cusses him up and down and tells him to shut his goddamn pie hole. Man, everyone in this movie is a fuckin’ asshole! Even though he has no automotive know-how Arnie is confident he can trick out this ride. Dennis asks him why he’s so obsessed with this janky ass old car. “I finally found something uglier than me,” Arnie says, his voice quaking with sadness. “You aren’t ugly...just queer” Dennis replies. Ha...ha...ha...
Arnie gets the car into fighting shape in no time at all. He even impresses old Bob Prosky, who offers the kid a job changing toilet paper rolls in the shitter in exchange for access to the junkyard. One Afternoon in the school library Dennis asks Leigh out on a date but she turns him down. Then she chews on a pencil eraser and some kid in the library says he wishes the pencil was his dick. Man, you want someone to chew on your DICK!? So it’s about 40 minutes into the movie and I’m still waiting for the car to start chopping people up. What gives, y’all? There’s also NO score whatsoever...which is strange given that John Carpenter is probably the world’s foremost scorer of horror flicks. The only tunes we hear are 1950’s chestnuts that automatically play on Christine’s stereo system. Actually, one of the first songs she plays is “Keep-A-Knocking” by Little Richard...and he just died...so I guess that’s one victim.
One afternoon Dennis is doing his football hero routine when he sees Arnie roll up in Christine with Leigh in tow. They hop out and sit on the hood and start sucking face and HUH!?? These two characters have not yet interacted in the film...not once! And now they’re playing tonsil hockey!? I’m not the only one shocked by this turn of events. Dennis is so distracted he runs head-on into another player’s head and is diagnosed with instant CTE. In the hospital, Dennis tells Arnie that his football career is over. Arnie responds by telling Dennis that “this new chick is hot for my bod” He then asks Dennis “has it ever occurred to you that part of being a parent is trying to kill your kids?” Before Dennis can answer Arnie is out the door, letting that question just hang in the air like a cloud of hospital farts.
Arnie and Leigh head out to the drive-in in a pissing rain storm. They kiss a little and then Arnie heads straight for 3rd base (and when you’re famous they let you do it--The President). Leigh is like not so fast, ya rapey prick! She accuses Arnie of being more interested in Christine than he is in her...which is pretty on the money. Arnie gets out to fix a busted windshield wiper and the car starts to choke Leigh. I mean not literally....it’s not like the shift column comes to life and wraps around her neck. She’s just...you know...sitting there choking on nothing in particular...and it looks dumb as shit. Luckily a passerby pulls her out before she loses consciousness. Drive-in experience ruined, Arnie offers to give Leigh a ride home. I’d be like fuuuuck you dude, I’m calling a Lyft. She relents and even gives homeboy a chance to make things right on her doorstep. He tells her she’s just sexually frustrated. This does not go over well. At all.
Later that night the gang of bad guys from an hour earlier in the movie break into the garage and pound Christine into smithereens! They smash out the headlights and taillights, tear the seats apart with a switchblade, and take a shit on the dashboard! At this point I like the bullies more than anyone else in the movie so I don’t really have a problem with any of this. Arnie is predictably apoplectic when he finds out. His folks pull a 180 and offer to buy Arnie a brand new car. He responds to this by calling his dad a motherfucker and then trying to choke him to death. Not very polite, bro, Arnie returns to the garage and stares at Christine with the sex eyes. “Ok...show me!” he whispers. Christine proceeds to put herself back together...which was some nifty shit for 1983. OH! And now there’s a score all of a sudden! It’s mostly the Halloween score recycled with a couple of “Pyum! Pyum!” noises thrown in. John Carpenter still does these tours with his son where they perform scores to his movies live. I bet he doesn’t get a lot of requests for Christine.
Once Xtine is all healed up she goes out looking for the members of the bully gang. She finds the chubby one. He pulls a knife on the car, which ain’t gonna do much. Car beats knife every time. Christine chases the kid down an alley and crushes him to death...but we don’t get to see anything! This movie is completely bloodless! They couldn’t have had the kids guts spray all over the windshield?? Or at least had an eyeball pop out! This is the 80’s, man. Come on! This murder business earns Arnie a visit from the local law enforcer, who is totally Harry Dean Stanton! The year after Christine came out is the year Harry Dean had both Paris Texas and Repo Man in theaters, which means he had the best 1984 out of any entertainer except Prince. HDS is suspicious ‘cuz he had heard Christine was totaled and she now appears untotaled. Arnie has no explanation ‘cuz he DGAF! The car is making him EVIL. We know this because his hair starts to grow out and he buys a black leather jacket. He calls Leigh and tries to patch things up after the choke-a-thon. When she demurs he screams “fuck you, bitch!” into the phone. She is unimpressed.
Later that night Christine chases down Buddy and his surviving henchman. She/it/the car follows Buddy to a gas station and then crashes into it, blowing it and everyone inside of it the fuck up. Buddy manages to escape but Christine chases after him...fully engulfed in flames! I’m not sure what’s scarier; being chased by a car or being chased by a car that is ON FIRE. I’m thinkin’ the latter. Christine catches up to Buddy...‘cuz it’s tough to outrun a flaming car. His fully torched body is spat from the rear tires. He dies. Christine returns to the junkyard still horny for murder and decides to choke old man Prosky to death for shits and giggles. Ok, so now there are very few cast members left alive. Leigh calls Dennis out of genuine concern for Arnie’s well being, even though he called her a fucking bitch. Dennis says he thinks the car is evil...kind of like the house in Poltergeist but on wheels. He plans to hang out with Arnie on New Year’s Eve and try to talk some sense into him. Arnie is shitfaced when he picks Dennis up and takes him out on the highway where he drives 100mph and says super alarming stuff like “let’s toast! Death to the shitters of the world!?” Shitters as in toilets?? What are you even talking about, kid? So the friend intervention is a no go. Arnie just starts talking gibberish and making derogatory comments about women and you know what song they should’ve used in this movie? “I’m in Love with my Car” by Queen. That tune rules.
Right...so eventually Dennis and Leigh decide they are gonna lure Arnie to the junkyard and kill Christine with a bulldozer...even though this car can regenerate itself from any and all types of damage. They are gonna have to chain that sumbitch to the bottom of Crystal Lake or something! Arnie comes screwing into the garage in Christine, crashes into the office, and is thrown through the window. When Leigh finds him he’s got a giant shard of glass sticking into his guts. At long last...some blood! Arnie pulls out the glass and promptly drops dead. See you never, Arnie. Dennis and Leigh spend ten minutes trying to crush the evil car with the bulldozer...which is about as exciting as spending ten minutes watching an evil car being crushed by a bulldozer. They manage to, you know, kill it. Cut to: the next afternoon. Dennis and Leigh are hanging outside of the junkyard with Harry Dean, who calls them heroes. Christine has been cubed. Extreme close up on the cube, which starts to move ever so slightly. ROLL CREDITS! Big time set-up for a sequel that never arrived. Why didn’t they make Christine 2: The Bitch is Back!? And Christine 3-D? And Christine 4 on the Floor? And Christine 5 Alive!? I think the answer is that Christine sucks and no one wants to make, or see, those movies. I mean...I guess they still could, right? The end.