Well folks—VHS of the Week is now in its fifth year...which means that I have now used the Friday before Memorial Day Weekend to lament the decline of the summer movie season approximately five times. A season that once featured a head-spinning array of the year’s best films big and small has, over the last decade and a half, been reduced to three big superhero movies...and also three other big superhero movies. When I stepped out to the cinema on this very weekend in 2018 I found Deadpool 2 on four screens and the Star Wars Han Solo side hustle on the other four screens. (Note: the last two screens were occupied by something called Show Dogs, which features an attitudinal Rottweiler police dog and co-stars Stanley Tucci, Shaquille O’Neal, and Ludacris. Why I did not buy tickets to this film immediately I do not know!). The summer always gave us tentpole blockbusters. Die Hard opened in the summer...as did Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and Terminator 2. But we also got A Fish Called Wanda in the summer. And Ghost...and Trainspotting...and KIDS! I’ve autopsied the reasons for the decline of the big screen experience over and over on this site. In last year’s Memorial Day Weekend post my nostalgia pains were particularly acute as I was two months into a quarantine that showed no sign of winding down. I wondered if I was staring down my first truly movieless summer movie season. I questioned when I would be able to “sit in an air conditioned room, pay $10 for a Cherry Coke, and scream in terror at A Quiet Place 2.” I now have my answer to that question: exactly one year. A Quiet Place 2 comes out TODAY and I might even be brave enough to triple mask and buy a ticket! If Hollywood has been at an inflection point for the last decade the pandemic caused that point to finally pierce the flesh. What’s left of the studios are funneling most of their product to streaming services. The theatrical window finally shattered into a trillion pieces. Only 11 people watched the Oscars this year and they were all Brad Pitt’s children. That’s not to say there weren’t some outstanding films released in 2020. I enjoyed Da 5 Bloods and Nomadland like the rest of y’all. Occasionally we’d even wire Amazon Prime $19.99, pop some popcorn on the stovetop, turn off our devices, and see if we could replicate a trip to the cinema watching Bill and Ted Face the Music at home. Answer: we could not. We cannot. A movie without a movie theater, for me, will always be a movie diminished. While I refuse to believe movie theaters will ever disappear completely, I do believe they’ll become a niche experience...like purchasing vinyl or...you know...VHS tapes.
I’ve talked long and obnoxiously about my special affinity for the summer of 1991, the summer where I made it my personal mission to see every last film that opened in the Worcester area. I was 12 years old and had fuck all to do with my days and nights. I occupied my waking hours playing an unreasonable amount of Sonic the Hedgehog, reading Premiere Magazine, and scanning the radio for Gn’R’s “You Could Be Mine” or The Scorpions’ “Winds of Change” (which was written by the CIA??). While ultimately unsuccessful in my quest, I did manage to see A LOT of movies that summer. It was a serious number of flicks for a recent 7th grade graduate with no income, siblings, friends, or transportation. Was 1991 the best movie summer in summer history? I would say that any summer that features Point Break automatically wins...but truthfully--no. It was not. Some of the worst films of ANY year slithered onto the big screen that summer. Since 1991 is turning 30 this year I thought I would spend the summer of 2021 revisiting both the highlights and lowlights of my favorite movie summer. So while y’all are out enjoying your first maskless cookouts in two years I’ll be hunkered down trying to barf up 5000 words about Life Stinks, Mel Brooks’ musical comedy about the homeless. You’re welcome. And also--I’m sorry. Enjoy!
Today we’re here to talk about Ron Howard’s Backdraft...the answer to the question--”what would happen if a hunky fireman calendar unexpectedly came to life?” My dad was kind enough to bring me to the 7PM show on Friday May 24th, 1991, enabling me to kick off my summer movie season real proper like. What I remember most about sitting in that packed house three decades ago was the amount of whispery chatter about whether the man who plays Kurt Russell’s character’s father in the opening flashback sequence is also Kurt Russell. Two things about this--1. While we are never really shown a closeup of this character’s profile IT IS CLEARLY KURT RUSSELL!! Like oh my god, people--he’s just wearing a phony mustache! This means that Kurt Russell gets to die not once but TWICE in Backdraft! And don’t go giving me shit about spoilers...I just saved you 138 minutes! And 2. If you weren’t convinced Kurt Russell’s father was played by Kurt Russell you would just have to NOT KNOW! It isn’t listed in the credits and there is no internet because it is 1991. Whaddya gonna do? Call Universal Pictures and ask ‘em? Write a letter to Parade Magazine and hope they run it some Sunday?? “My friend says that Kurt Russell is in Backdraft twice and I say he isn’t! Which one of us is right??” Anyway, what happens in Backdraft is this: Like I already told you, we open with a flashback to the year 1971, which is 20 years before the events of this film and friggin’ 50 years from the year I’m currently writing to you from. The McCaffrey children, Stephen and his brother Brian, are playing hide and seek in a Chicago firehouse when the alarm is struck. Stephen is the older of the brothers and already a huge bully. We know this because he pushes his younger brother around and repeatedly asks Brian “who’s your brother, BRIAN!?” as if Brian would somehow forget the identity of his only sibling. The kids hustle down to see what’s the rumpus and their pops, Captain Dennis McCaffrey (Mustache Kurt Russell) scoops up Brian and offers to let him ride along to see real life tragedy in action. Stephen is not acknowledged or invited. As the truck is pulling out of the station, Brian looks back at Stephen with a huge smirk on his face. Stephen flips him off. Nice Kid.
Here I should say that, although my late grandfather was a firefighter in the years before I was born, most of my knowledge about the firefighting profession comes from having gotten ripped on Shirley Temple’s and danced to Footloose at the annual Grafton Firehouse Chicken BBQ every September from 1983 to 1990. In other words--I know nothing about firefighting. I do know that, in my 20 years working in the restaurant business, I have had to call 911 on several occasions for mostly minor emergencies; unruly patrons, mild health scares, fender benders outside of the restaurant. And even if I were to tell the 911 operator that the emergency wasn’t much of an emergency, three fire trucks were ALWAYS dispatched, sirens a blazin’. I guess protocol is protocol but...are 12 firefighters really necessary for a broken taillight and a bruised elbow? I mention this because, in the world of Backdraft, every alarm indicates the fire of all fires. Heroics will be required...always. Civilians overcome by smoke inhalation will be laddered to safety...or someone will burn to death. Every single time. I realize Backdraft is an action movie and there ain’t much action watching the company roll out to endless “gassy odor in the street” calls...but it’s also like...SRSLY??! Actually, I wouldn’t mind watching a feature length film of a bunch of lame ass fire calls. Very Jim Jarmusch. Anyway, take this opening sequence that I've been dancing around for the last two paragraphs. It couldn’t possibly be more ridiculous unless you had cantankerous goblin and man whose singing voice does not match his appearance in any way David Crosby standing on the street corner screaming “my apartment’s burning!” What’s that? That’s actually THE David Crosby?? Well ain't that some shit! When Mustache Kurt Russell’s truck arrives on the scene, they discover a six story apartment building all lit up and a frantic lady howling “my baby!....my baby!” Russell grabs his pal Johnny Adcox (veteran character actor Scott Glenn) and races up the ladder, leaving his seven year-old child unattended just feet away from a potential building collapse. In a span of about 30 seconds, the old man leaps from fire escape to fire escape, rescues the baby, and fucking winks down at Brian! How he can see his boy from six stories up and through thick plumes of building fire smoke, we do not know. The crowd below cheers. When Russell heads back inside to finish putting out the fire, Brian sees something his old man can’t see; The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire...and water would be helpful ASAP, motherfucker. But it’s already too late. Russell pokes the ceiling with his ceiling poker and the entire building EXPLODES! The crowd below does not cheer. Brian’s dad is vaporized right before his little eyes! It’s cool though ‘cuz the explosion blows the old man’s helmet right off of his head, causing it to sail out of the building and land fortuitously at Brian’s feet. Brian picks up the helmet and looks inside and OH MY GOD it’s full of scorched brains and shit! Not really though. Or….probably. Brian clutches the helmet and weeps and the press photogs snap Pulitzer Prize winning pics of him and shouldn't someone call this kid’s mom to come pick him up??? Were the McCafferey children born without a mother?? Jesus.
We jump forward to 1991, where Brian McCaffery has morphed into Baldwin Brother least likely to break your jaw over a parking spot, Billy Baldwin. After spending a lost decade schlepping around the country, working as a failed rodeo clown and a failed stereo salesman and a failed log cabin salesman, Brian has returned home, joined the academy, and earned his spot among Chicago’s bravest. We know all of this because, when Brian bellies up to the bar to order a Bud Light at his post graduation celebration, the bartender recites this information to the audience pretty much verbatim. I usually enjoy piecing these things together on my own...but you know...once in a while it’s nice to have a one-scene character just explain the entire plot right up front. Meanwhile several blocks away, a local businessman opens the front door of his tony brownstone and is instantly uncinerated. Brian and his hammered firefighter buddies are drawn out of the bar by the sound of emergency vehicles racing by. Outside, Brian runs smack into Jennifer Jason Leigh and is all “oh snap! Loved you in Fast Times! Let’s get a brewski!” and she’s all “remember when we were dating and you up and disappeared for six years?? Hard pass.” Dang! Even though these dudes are shoeless drunk, they decide the best course of action is to follow the firetrucks to the fire and see if they can “help out.” When they arrive they find some dude’s charred corpse stuffed through the window of his Porsche 944. Me? I’d probably go back to the bar and see if anyone wants to split a plate of loaded nachos at this point but Brian sticks around long enough to see big brother Stephen (mustache-less Kurt Russell) emerge from the fiery ruins of the brownstone looking like some hero character from a movie poster (note: this might be the actual image they used on the movie poster). Despite their torrid surroundings, the brothers McCaffery regard each other coolly. Stephen didn’t go to Brian’s graduation...they hate each other’s guts etc. Stephen tells Brian that he switched his fire station assignment and that he will now begin his firefighting career under Stephen’s supervision. He Tells Brian that he better be ready as they have the toughest station in all of Chi-Town. And why is that exactly? Are some parts of the city more prone to fires than others??
The next morning, Brian cruises by Stephen’s pad (in his vintage BMW?? I thought this kid was a chump??) to see if he can’t smooth things over with his bro before they have to start awkwardly fighting fires together. Turns out Stephen is married to Risky Business Star Rebecca DeMornay, which is awesome...but she has kicked him out of the house for being a crazy asshole jerk...which is less awesome. Stephen has been living in squalor on the family boat, which is slowly rotting away in dry dock. Question—are there a lot of boats in the Chicago area?? Not trying to be a dick...I’m genuinely curious! I know they got that lake and all. Stephen spends all of his non-fire fighting time getting wasted on his boat...listening to Cream 8-tracks on his, you know, 8-track player. Brian is all “how come you don’t want me to be a firefighter?” and Stephen says “when you have bad day, someone dies.” Brian also notices several large canisters of some random ass chemical called tryptophan or some shit stowed away on the boat but I’m SURE that won’t come up again.
When Brian shows up for his first day on the job, the entire company is already racing to a four-alarm blaze at a half-abandoned dress factory. Old Adcox is still with the department, having been completely unaffected by the same explosion that blew Mr McCaffery to bits. There’s some brief chatter about waiting for backup but this Stephen motherfucker wants to charge in there like a bull. (Did I mention that his nickname is Bull? Well...it is). Dude is Snake Plissken on speed. He’s Tango AND Cash! He tells Brian to stay right beside him and off they go. Inside, they find both a raging fire as well as ample clean air in which to hang back, converse, and occasionally scream stuff like “let’s take this bitch head on!” Seriously, I’ve had Pop-Tart burns that created smokier conditions than the fires in this film. Brian tries to hang tight with his brother but Stephen is just an insufferable showboat, diving straight into the flames and tossing off one-liners left and right. This particular fire frequently wails like a T-Rex with a skinned knee, which I’m fairly certain is not something that fires do. Brian hears someone screaming for help so he leaves Stephen’s side to see if he can go hero it up. Brian locates a lady victim, throws her over his shoulder, and hustles her to safety. But get this: the lady he rescued was actually just a mannequin. And get this PART 2: The real lady victim they rescue from the fire is is wearing the SAME CLOTHES as the mannequin! That’s some stupid shit right there. After the fire, Brian ducks into an alley to barf. When Stephen finds him he screams “I told you to stay right be-fuckin’-side me, Brian!!” If they gave out an Oscar for the delivery of one single line it would've gone to Kurt Russell for that line....and yes...I know that Silence of the Lambs also came out in 1991. Blah blah fava beans and Chianti snorrrrre. So we’re about 30 minutes in and me, you, and everyone we know would be perfectly content to watch these two foul-tempered Irish brothers bust each other’s balls and fight smokeless fires for another hour or so. But SOMEONE decided this movie needed another half dozen extraneous plotlines...so enter the character of Alderman Swayzak, played by the great J.T. Walsh...a man who’s quest to star in every other movie ever made was thwarted by an untimely visit from the grim reaper. The Alderman is running for mayor and is also involved in an evil scheme to shutter all of the city’s firehouses and turn them into....community centers?? You can’t put out a fire with an organic cooking class, bro. Naturally Stephen hates the Aldermen and threatens to punch his lights out. Jennifer Jason Leigh is the Alderman’s assistant because of course she is. An Alderman is a person governing a kingdom, district, or shire as viceroy for an Anglo-Saxon king because Merriam-Webster says it is.
When the men of ladder whatever arrive back at the station, Brian and his fellow rookie buddy Timmy decide to have a long conversation about their respective goals for their firefighting careers. In the shower. Butt naked. Look..I get it—Baldwin’s gotta be showin’ ass...but this shower room is HUGE! Ten shower heads by my count. Why would you choose to shower RIGHT NEXT TO SOMEONE unless you absolutely had to?? Also—save some hot water for the other firefighters, ya rookie pukes! Later that night the entire company hits the Drunken Fireman’s Ball to slug brews, listen to a Pogues cover band, and act out a bunch of other Irish stereotypes associated with Irish firefighters. Stephen gets shitcocked and punches his estranged wife’s new fireman boyfriend in the face like 10 times. Alderman Swayzak approaches Brian to compliment him on his daring rescue of that mannequin...which is already on the front page of the newspaper!! What, did they have an Evening Gazette or something?? Also--if the Alderman is singlehandedly attempting to decimate the Chicago Fire Department would he really show up at a ballroom full of loaded firemen? (Quick note: you may notice I am occasionally using the term “fireman” as opposed to “firefighter.” And the reason for this is that there are exactly two female characters in this film who only exist so that they may be duly sexed by the male characters. It is what it is). The Alderman offers Brian a cushy desk job but Brian is all “I have been a firefighter for approximately 8 hours...lemme see how I feel after a three minute firefighting montage set to a lame ass Bruce Hornsby tune.” And then: a three minute firefighting montage set to a lame ass Bruce Hornsby tune. Man, I don’t like Bruce Hornsby...and no...the fact that he toured with The Grateful Dead does not move the needle for me. Stephen keeps treating Brian like a piece of shit even though, I don’t know, he seems like a pretty solid fireman to me! Eventually, the company is summoned to yet another scorcher with yet another lady wailing “my baby!” out on the street corner. This time there’s a problem with the water...in that there isn’t any. But Stephen goes charging into the building like Big Trouble in Little Chicago. Everyone else in the company is like “dude, you can’t knock this thing down with curse words' ' but Stephen runs straight into the burning apartment and starts whacking away with an axe and shouting “Don’t take any shit from it!! (the fire)” Fire, indiscriminate prick that she is, refuses to cooperate and soon Stephen is fully engulfed. Brian hangs back on a staircase, certain that he just watched his brother burn to death like his father before him but OPE! Stephen emerges from the flames cradling a live baby like a football. The dude is a baby rescuing MACHINE!! After the fire is over Stephen is like “whaddya say, Brian” and Brian is all “fahhhhhk this noise--I QUIT!” He calls JJL and tells her he wants to work for the Alderman...and the movie effectively reboots itself as a boring ass procedural crime drama.
Brian is sent to work for Inspector Don Rimgale, who some of you might recognize because he is Robert DeNiro. Rimgale brings Brian to the parole hearing of one Ronald “Shadow” Bartel, who is totally Donald Sutherland (speaking of showin’ ass!). Sutherland looks about 90 years old and is still alive as of this writing which means that Donald Sutherland has been 90 years old for approximately 30 years. I guess he’s a pyromaniac who terrorized the city back in the 60’s and lit the fire that left Rimgale with burns over 80% of his body. Despite the fact that this dude is all twitchy and speaks to himself in a childlike sing-songy voice, the parole board is ready to approve his release. Oh! But then Bobby DeNiro leaps to his feet and pulls a Bobby DeNiro. The parole board is all “who are YOU!?” and DeNiro is like “WHO AM I!?? Hey Shadow--You like fuckin’ burnin’ people, hah? Look at me, acehole...you like lightin’ fuckin’ fires jerkawwf?? What would you do if they let you outta here??” Shadow says that if they let him out he would “burn the entire world.” Parole: Denied. Rimgale is investigating another fire wherein a man opened the door of a movie theater only to have it explode in his face. Traces of that obscure triglyceride chemical were found at the scene of both fires, leading Rimgale to believe there’s a serial arsonist on the loose (“I’m your firestarter...twisted firestarter”--Prodigy). Says that the torcher doesn’t actually like fire because he is setting fires that blow themselves out. Brian looks thoroughly bemused by this information.
Brian makes a halfhearted attempt to adjust to his life as an assistant investigative whatever the fuck. He puts on his finest suit/face and attends fancy cocktail parties...but he’s still hardened in the pants area by the sound of firetrucks racing by. JJL senses this and asks Brian if he wouldn’t like to show her his fire station (heyyyo). She asks him if he misses being on the job. He says that he does...yes. He tells her that the station is so old that they used to store hay for fighting fires in the attic (note: HAY??). Then they climb on top of a firetruck and start fucking...which is good on them I guess...but all I can think about is the fact that Jennifer Jason Leigh just had a fairly graphic sex scene with Alec Baldwin in the film Miami Blues, which came out exactly one year before this flick. One year….TWO Baldwin brothers! Soooo much goddamn chest hair! I wonder if JJL also thought about this while pretending to ball brother Billy. I bet that she did. Unfortunately a fourth alarm is struck for a skyscraper fire and the truck they’re riding pulls out of the station while they’re still mid-coitus. Now they’re screwing atop a truck that’s speeding through the streets of Chicago. I mean...why let that stop you?? Meanwhile over at the skyscraper fire, Stephen and his crew (remember them? They’re still in this movie) are first to arrive. They take the elevator up to the floor where the fire is supposed to be but can’t seem to find the fricken’ thing. Stephen grabs Timmy the Rookie and splits off to check out a different part of the building against Adcox’s vehement objections (mmm hmm). Stephen tells Timmy to be sure to check the doors for heat before busting them open with his axe...but Timmy does not do this. He axes a door open and it explodes in his face, instantly burning him beyond recognition. Sux. A half-sexed Brian arrives at the fire just in time to see his onetime shower buddy being stretchered out. They ALL go to the hospital with Tim...the entire goddamn company. I guess the fire will just have to burn itself out then? In the ER, the prognosis is grim...and it’s pretty clear the onus is on Stephen. We know this because Brian gets up in his face and screams “YOU burned him, Stephen!” Stephen yells “FUCK YOU!” and they proceed to pound the living shit out of each other right there in the ER. The nurses are bullshit. Stephen drinks about 75 beers and shows up at his ex’s house….but this time she takes pity on him and invites him in for a little ball sesh. Did you know that Rebecca DeMornay was dating Leonard Cohen when she made this movie?? True Fcat! She co-produced his album The Future right around this time too! I wonder if Leonard Cohen enjoyed Backdraft. I’m going to say that he did not. The next morning, Stephen puts his toothbrush back in his toothbrush holder and scrambles up some eggs for his 10 year-old boy, figuring he’s reclaimed the title of Man of the House. But when Bex wakes up she’s all “yeahhhh last night was some laffs but we need you out of our lives ‘cuz you’re a crazy animal and prolly gonna die soon anyway.” I mean...she’s not wrong!
Brian returns to his job and tells DeNiro that he’s eager to start doing his job. He wants to catch the creep who torched poor little Timmy and blah blah blah. DeNiro explains that the skyscraper, movie theater, and porsche brownstone fires were all set by the same person utilizing a method wherein a fire is set but remains incognito only to erupt when oxygen is introduced. Following the eruption the fire quickly burns itself out, therefore posing little risk to anyone ‘cept for the poor bastard or bastardette unlucky enough to open the door. This nifty parlor trick is called a backdraft, which is also the name of the movie we’re talking about. I have absolutely no idea if it’s a real thing and I’m way too lazy to look it up. All I know is that when I Google “Backdraft” the first thing I see is this movie (and also--BACKDRAFT 2 from 2019...starring Billy Baldwin AND Don Sutherland!!! I had NO IDEA this was a thing...did you?? Well, we do now!). It appears that the three victims were all good friends with The Alderman so naturally Brian assumes he’s the one who did the fires. He goes to JJL and hectors her into stealing the Alderman’s private files. He’s a real cock about it too! She’s like “yeah, this is a really important job for me. And also--remember how we were having intercourse like 5 minutes ago? Maybe watch your tone.” Brian storms off. Relationship over. Brian and Bobby D figure that the Alderman has been shutting down firehouses and converting them into community centers to award lucrative construction contracts to his now-deceased construction cronies...even though it couldn’t cost more than, what, $50K to turn an pre-existing fire station into a Community Center?? They don’t even need to take the poles out! They figure The Alderman is their guy but when they show up at his house to confront him, they find him half dead and the REAL killer in the process of setting up his backdraft trick. Brian tussles with the killer and slams his back against a flaming electrical socket, leaving a flaming electrical socket burn mark on the killer’s back that should help identify him five scenes from now. The killer manages to escape and set off his works. Brian saves the Alderman’s life but DeNiro is blown 50 feet in the air like a DeNiro-shaped missile and is impaled on the stake of a fence. Don’t worry...he’s totally fine.
With DeNiro laid up with an impaled chest area, it falls on Brian to solve what’s left of this mystery. He returns to prison to see Donald Sutherland, who continues to speak in indecipherable riddles and GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!!! Jesus Christ!
After about 10 interminable minutes Brian starts to understand what The Shadow is telling him: the fires are being started by a firefighter!! I mean--DeNiro ALREADY MENTIONED that the killer was using an obscure discontinued chemical that can only be found in the hull of his brother Stephen’s boat! So Stephen is the killer then? Cool. Brian races to Stephen’s station and breaks into his locker to look for evidence and whatnot. While he’s rummaging through the locker, though, he glances over at the shower room, where he sees Adcox toweling off. And guess what?? He’s got a flaming electrical socket-shaped burn on his BACK!!! Holy fudgsicles it was Scott Glenn all along! I actually didn’t see that coming. I kind of liked JJL for the killer...not gonna lie. Before anyone can say anything about anything the alarm goes off. There’s a fire in an explosives factory...and it’s the biggest fire since the Chicago Fire!!! While the guys start to suit up, Brian sprints out the back door, where he runs into Stephen, who has also simultaneously solved the mystery. Brian’s like “yeah...your boy Adcox. Sorry brah.” Stephen says that he will handle it AFTER the big fire. Like...dude...this guy killed three people and burned a fellow fireman half to death. Maybe he should sit this one out and think about what he did! But you know crazy fucking Stephen won’t listen to shit. He splits for the fire and Brian hems and haws before borrowing some gear and boarding another truck. But get this--the truck that Brian is riding on? It CRASHES!! By the time he pulls himself from the upturned truck Adcox and Stephen are already deep in the jowls of danger.
Brian arrives at the scene and asks the other dudes if they’ve seen two firefighters hashing out their troubles. They point to the roof. Sure enough, when Brian reaches the roof he finds his brother and Adcox deep in conversation...because there’s no better place to confront your buddy about the murders he’s been committing than the burning roof of a burning warehouse. Stephen is all “dude, you’re a serial arsonist?? Fuck’s the matter with you!?” Adcox says that the guys who were shutting down the firehouses were causing serious staff shortages that put thousands of firefighters in harm’s way and would definitely lead to an increase in deaths among their firefighting brethren. So...he decided to...you know...kill ‘em. Stephen is like “Hmmm...you make an undeniable point, my murdering friend.” Brian brings up the inconvenient yet unavoidable fact that one of his fires grossly disfigured poor Timmy. Adcox calls Brian a pussy and says that his old man would “fucking puke” if he saw what became of him. Before they get a chance to plumb their complicated family dynamic any further, the roof collapses. An extended action movie sequence ensues. Eventually, the McCafferey’s confront Adcox on a catwalk in the middle of the inferno. Adcox whacks Brian with his axe (not the sharp side tho...so it’s all good). He looks to do the same to Steve but BAM!! An exploding barrel knocks out the catwalk! Adcox and Stephen are left holding on for dear life. Adcox, who is burning up like a marshmallow on a stick, looks up at Stephen and says “let me go, Bull!” Stephen says “you go...we go.” And so they do. They go. Adcox lands on a barrel and snaps fully in half. Can’t say he didn’t have it coming. Stephen lands on...another catwalk? So he must be ok then, right? That’s what Brian thinks when he reaches him and finds him conscious. Stephen is like “somethin’ hurts in my lower part...mind taking a look?” Brian opens Stephen’s jacket and DUDE...his fuckin’ GUTS are hanging out. Like...you can see his liver and shit. No bueno, folks. Shit is exploding all around them. The other fire dudes are trying to reach them but they keep getting blown back. They lose control of their firehose, which dances through the room like an untamed cobra. Brian’s like “ahh shit...guess it’s my time to shine, eh?” He tackles that beast in slow motion and douses the flames, enabling the other emergency personnel to evacuate his brother. They load him into an ambulance and Brian hops into the back for the ride to the hospital. Stephen is like “this is great! The fire...it didn’t get me!” I mean...that’s technically true...and also not. Stephen instructs Brian not to tell anyone that Adcox was the murderer so that he can receive a hero’s burial. Brian agrees. The paramedics pretend to not be listening. Stephen, like he did at the beginning of the movie, says “who’s your brother, Brian?” “You are, Stevie,” says Brian. Then Stephen says “I’m gettin tired a sloubbin a jahhhh fahhh sssssss” and Brian is all “dude..WHAT!?? Could you repeat that??” But Stephen cannot hear him. He’s dead. Cut to: Stephen’s funeral. It’s wicked sad. Brian is crying...Rebecca DeMornay is crying...I’m crying...Kurt Russell and Mustache Kurt Russell are up in heaven...crying. Goldie Hawn...I’m sure she was watching somewhere….crying. Bob DeNiro probably doesn’t cry but there’s totally a catch in his throat.
Now here’s where I usually lament the lack of a denouement in a film. In this case, I feel like I’m all set. It has been over two hours. Play a sad Randy Newman song and send us out into the night. But no...that was just the first of THEE endings! In the second one it was Colonel Mustard who started the fires! Seriously though--after the funeral, Brian and DeNiro barge into Alderman’s Swayzak’s TV press conference and present him with his stolen files, detailing his vaguely corrupt fire station cessation scheme. So that’s the end of his career...but is NO ONE concerned that they still don’t know the identity of the arsonist? Are they going to just stop investigating now?? And does Brian really have that little interest in rekindling his relationship with JJL?? I know Stephen was a crazy asshole but I’m starting to think god took the wrong McCaffery. Well...I guess that….OH WAIT! The movie has still not ended! We also learn that Brian went back to fighting fires! Ok...now it’s over. Ron Howard throws up a graphic that reads “there are over 1.2 million active firefighters in the United States.” And there’s over 1.9 million active McDonald’s workers too...so what of it? The end.