March 8, 2019

I know what you’re thinking: “Tebo...have you not had your fill of Demi Moore’s bare flesh!?” I would like to point out that Demi Moore had her entire face/chest/talent level surgically enhanced/removed in the years between About Last Night and last week’s VHSOTW Striptease. It is literally a different person! (and yes I know what “literally” means). I have a bit of history with this particular film...and here it is: Growing up I had my regular video store haunts all over Worcester County. Places where they knew to be sure to have a copy of The Great Outdoors on reserve for me the day it was released on VHS...less I come into the store and throw a tantrum. I was a mean little prick! When I started school in Grafton in 1990 I would often spend the night at my grandmother’s house...and she insisted we rent from the video store that used to be across from Lake Ripple (I want to say it was called...eh...Lake Ripple Video? I really can’t remember). I wasn’t a fan of this store for a couple of reasons; they never had new releases on new release day...plus the rosary bead-clutching old lady who ran the joint was always busting my chops about renting smutty movies (but then renting them to me anyway). “WELL! 9 1/2 Weeks! We’ll see about that! That’ll be $2.50, please.” So one day I’m browsing through the comedy section at Lake Rip and I come across a copy of the 1986 comedy About Last Night...and I notice that Sister Mary Gigolo has placed a sticker on the front that reads...in huge bold letters...RATED X! Now I’m curious so I pick up the box and flip it over. On the back I find a taped-on note that says the following: “This film is RATED X! Must be 21 or older to rent. WILL CHECK ID!!” Now...a few things: About Last Night is definitely not rated X. It’s rated R...which means who have to be at least 17 to buy a ticket to see it in a theater. And if you are 18...you can check out the skin flick room. All video stores had one...until Blockbuster came along...with their religious indignation. You need to be 21 to buy booze in most states. 21 has never has anything to do with age restrictions on motion pictures. But this here video store proprietor decided that folks who were old enough to vote and go to war and go to the nudie bars were not old enough to handle whatever the fuck it was that went on in About Last Night! So now OF COURSE I had to rent it immediately...even though I was pretty sure I had already watched the TV-edited version with my mom and been bored to tears. Problem was, I about 10 years shy of 21...but that didn’t stop me from pulling the tape off of the shelf...covering it with a copy Ducktails: The Movie...and marching right up to the counter. And of course she saw it and started wailing and clutching her chest and threatening to call my mother...things she did NOT do when I rented Porky’s or Slumber Party Massacre Part 2. So I never got to see About Last Night....but I thought I’d check it out now to see what got that old bag into such a tizzy back in the day. About Last Night was re-made in 2014 with an all African American cast...which means if video stores still existed and you came in asking for About Last Night the clerk would have to say “black or white?” This flick is based on a David Mamet play from the 1970’s called Sexual Perversity in Chicago. Mamet has got props for life for writing Glengarry Glen Ross...but my old buddy Phil Wilcox told me he used to come into Mike’s Movies...ask where the David Mamet section was...and then go stare at his films reverentially. Or maybe that was Peter Wolf? But he doesn’t have any films, right? I can totally see him doing it anyway. He’s a pain in the ass, that Peter Wolf. ANYWAY...the film opens with an extremely Mamet-esque, rapid fire back-and-forth between Rob Lowe and Jim Belushi that’s vulgar as shit. If I was a chaste old granny I would probably not have made it past the opening credits. So Lowe and Belushi play Danny and Bernie respectively...a couple of swigin’ cads who work for a restaurant supply company by day and carouse aggressively by night. In 1980’s movie Chicago everyone is just crushing beers and rippin’ butts 24/7. In fact...that’s pretty much how I found the city of the broad shoulders to be on my recent visits there. Great town, that Chicago. Right of the jump the fellas are out getting shitfaced when they meet Demi Moore and Elizabeth Perkins. Belushi scores points with Perkins because he’s unhandsome yet loud and funny (fun fact: The Belushi character is played by Kevin Hart in the 2014 version. I mean...I guess they are both short?) Lowe, on the other hand, is cut...like....from marble. He walks into the bar and ladies literally throw their panties at him (see now I am using literally incorrectly as this does not happen). Whatever...he’s supposed to be this unbelievably handsome, irresistible charmer and what have you. But I could not shake the feeling throughout the entire movie that his character reminded me of someone...and that someone is Ted Bundy. He doesn’t laugh much and he always seems slightly sleepy/irritated...like he might snap at any second. And look...I love Robbie Lowe. He’s Sam Seaborn. He’s Benjamin from Wayne’s World. But his affect is WAY off here. It’s like he his acting chops aren’t sharp just yet. Anyway...the guy is hot...and Demi Moore goes home with with him and he’s all “I have these special headphones where we can both listen to music at the same time” (80’s aphrodisiac if I have ever heard of one) and she’s all “that’s neat...let’s have intercourse.” So they do. As these things sometimes tend to go down...they quickly decide they would like to continue having said intercourse. So they start “hanging out”..and we are treated to the first of like 50 montages. This first montage is set to a song called “So Far So Good” by the band On the Nose and it was clearly produced by the Chicago of Commerce: They ride the L...they check out the Sears Tower...they catch a Cubbies Game...they fondle Roger Ebert’s thumb...they attend a Naked Raygun gig. Moore’s boss and guy who played the principal in the totally rad 80’s flick Summer School is not happy with this new romance because THEY are schtupping and this Rob Lowe guy means that they will no longer schtup. Lizzie Perkins also gives the Demi a ration of shit about her new beef. I would’ve been like “well I’m not the one that has sex with a 12 year-old boy who happens to be living inside of Tom Hanks!” But see, Big didn’t come out till ’88...so you couldn’t really say that. Moore and Lowe ball in the shower...and it’s pretty graphic. Not 21+ graphic...but I did what my mom always told me to do and left the room until the scene was over. Lowe is like “I love yo...um...I mean I love making love!” She concurs. They quickly move in together and there’s another “moving in/getting to know you” montage set to a song that I enjoyed a great deal until I realized it was by Bob Seger. Does that mean I like a Bob Seger song?? Why can’t they play this one (“Living Inside My Heart”) on the radio instead of playing “Turn the Page” 300 times a motherfucking day still in the year 2019?? There’s some pretty racy ballin’ scenes within the montage...I mean no full pen or nothin’...but there’s a scene where Moore and Lowe walk to the kitchen naked in the middle of the night and you almost see Lowe’s left testicle when he’s opening the fridge. I slow mo’d it a bunch and I can’t tell if it’s a ball or the shadow of a ball. He also runs outside to get the newspaper in his tighty whiteys. I’m really thinking it’s the sight of 22 year-old Rob Lowe in his undies that had this old video store lady drawing X’s all over the VHS box....slash watching it in slow motion every night. So now the movie is at the halfway point...which means the relationship will immediately start falling to pieces. And boy howdy do things go downhill! They start fighting like whoa. He’s all “why you gotta leave ya tampon wrappers in the trash” and she’s all “why you gotta be such a serial killer prick bastard?” They cook Thanksgiving dinner for Perkins and Belushi...who hate each other...and are both determined to sabotage the relationship. Shitty planning if you ask me. Belushi is all “C’mon Danny...you should be out scorin’ broads!” I gotta say...I rag on Jimmy Belushi a lot but he’s fantastic in this flick. And also: K-9...which we’ll get to soon enough. Eventually Lowe tells Moore that he doesn’t love her and kicks her out of his spot. She’s like “fine, fuck you, pal.” He immediately sleeps with 20 women...but he’s sad or some bullshit...so he tells Moore he wants to get back together...and she tells him to go shit in his hat. There’s a sadness montage where Lowe keeps showing up wherever Moore happens to be and screaming in her face. This somehow does not do the trick. So he gives up and buys and old school greasy spoon diner car and fills it with so many neon lights it starts to look like that mall store Rave from the 80’s. He does the entire build-out alone. As someone who has worked 20 years in the service industry I call bullshit on this scene. Flash forward a few months into the future--Lowe and Beloosh are at some park playing in their softball beer league. Moore rolls up on her bike and she and Lowe apologize to each other and blah blah blah. They are super happy to see each other....for no reason other than it is time for the movie to end. They make plans to have dinner that night (and ball. you know they’re gonna!). The movie ends on an up note. Instead of learning the valuable life lessons About Last Night has to offer 12 year-old Danny Tebo goes to his grandma’s and watches Patrick Swayze rip a dude’s throat out in Roadhouse. The end.