I know that I have probably mentioned the fact that my parents weren’t particularly adept at censoring the type of movies I brought home from the video store when I was a kid dozens of times. I had carte blanche to rent pretty much whatever I wanted from the local shops. It’s not like I was trying to bring home skin flicks or nothin’...but my tastes ran a little outre for a 12 year old. You know....I’d bring home Wild at Heart instead of Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken and tell my mom I made an honest mistake if she happened to walk in the room and see Crispin Glover filling his undies with cockroaches. Once in a while an overly concerned video store clerk would get all self righteous and call my mom to narc on me. “Yeah Gail...I got your kid here...and he wants to rent 9 1/2 Weeks! (pause) What’s it about!? (covers mouth and whispers into the phone about ice cubes and strawberries). My poor mom doesn’t know movies from Simon! So that flick went on the permanent “no fly” list. Well, the other night I was flipping through the HBO and one of those Fifty Shades movies was on and I watched some of it. Look, there are three of those movies and one of them is always on the TV! You think I’d watch that shit on purpose?? Ok, shut up about it! Anyway I was watching Donny Johnson’s daughter and Jamie Whatsisname do their what-have-you and it got me thinking that I might finally be old enough to watch 9 ½ Weeks without catching hell from my mom. Luckily my local thrift store had a copy for 50 cents American...so I brought it home and watched it...and what happens is this: We open with a montage (the first of about 100 montages in this movie) of Alec Baldwin marriage escapee Kim Basinger walking to work through the streets of A Very 80’s NYC (porno theaters all over Times Square, steam belching from subway grates, a meatpacking district that’s full of meat instead of $25 glasses of Cab Franc). Basinger plays Elizabeth, an art gallery worker in her early 30’s. She’s recently divorced but it doesn’t seem to bother her none. She makes decent coin and she gets to crush wine and do a shit ton of shopping with her cigarette rippin’ friend Molly...who is played by the lady who plays the villainous owner of the Cleveland Indians in that flick Major League. One afternoon, while Elizabeth is at the Asian specialty market looking for kimchee or whatever, this suave motherfucker sidles up next to her and shoots her bedroom stares before immediately disappearing in a cloud of smoke (note: in this film the smoke machine is turned up to 11 at all times). Mr Mysteriouso’s name is John (they couldn’t have named him something a little more 80’s slick...like Cade or Drago?). He’s played by the actor Mickey Rourke, who was breathtakingly handsome in the 1980’s (seriously...even I had to step outside for some fresh air when he appeared on screen...lordhavemercy!)...and who now looks like mangled horse shit. And look...I know he quit acting and took up boxing for a long stretch...and I don’t have his boxing stats in front of me...but he must’ve been a pretty lousy boxer because his grill is JACKED...UP! Like...if he gave you an ID with a picture from 1989 on it you’d be like “Sir, this is clearly not you...you may not board the plane.” But in this flick my man Mick is an ADONIS! And he knows it too. His entire acting style...if one can call it that...is to purse his lips, squint his eyes ever so slightly, and just STARE. And it works too because why wouldn’t it!? Elizabeth instantly wants to know this unknowable specimen! They run into each other again at an upscale outdoor flea market with a terrible reggae band. This time he invites her to an Italian restaurant where he speaks Italian gibberish and chews with his mouth open. “You ever try the linguini concozzi?....Ever had Camistrato Passolini?...Did you know Vitello Palopito got his brains blown out at this table?” I bet this was some weird method acting bullshit Mickey Rourke made up on the spot. Total Brando head, that guy. After dinner, John takes Elizabeth to a house boat and whips out some seduction vinyl. The artist is Billie Holiday...which is great. The song is “Strange Fruit”...which is not so great. “Black bodies swinging in the southern breeze.” I know I feel like ballin’! John gestures toward the bed. Elizabeth tells him he’s being awfully presumptuous. He tells her that no one can hear her scream from the house boat. She tells him she wants to leave, like, yesterday! Cut to: Elizabeth is at her desk at the art gallery and she receives a real smart arrangement of flowers and she’s all giggles and smiles. Next thing you know she and John are skipping around Coney Island carrying an inordinate amount of balloons and DID I MISS SOMETHING??? How did we go from rapey house boat to this?? Did they lose a couple of scenes to cut down the running time?? So they’re super happy all of a sudden. John puts Elizabeth on a ferris wheel and slips the guy running the thing a tenner to stop it once she’s at the top. While she screams in terror John laughs at her and invites the ferris wheel operator out to coffee. Dudes....I don’t like where this flick is headed at all! Elizabeth is rescued from the ferris wheel by the fire department, after which she locates John at the local cafe, drags him over to the espresso machine, jams the milk steaming wand into his ear and turns it all the way up! OK...so I totally just made that up. They just carry on like nothing happened at all. Later that afternoon they meet a kid who says he will fart the theme to Jaws if they pay him five dollars. They give him the cash but when the kid farts it just sounds like a fart and not like the theme to Jaws so they ask for a refund. I mention this because it makes ZERO sense and has nothing to do with anything...and is also the best part of the movie. So there’s that. Back at Elizabeth’s apartment John blindfolds her and tells her to get undressed. He then takes the ice out of his vodka soda and dribbles it all over her bare torso. She’s like “this is kinda neat...but can’t we do it...like...regular style?” And then....the scene ends and it’s the next day! Did they ball or not?? Who edited this friggin’ thing?? John brings her to his new grayscale 80’s movie penthouse where he shows off his new 5-disc CD player. Hottest scene in the movie, if you ask me. He also gives her a watch and tells her to look at the watch every day at 12 o’clock and imagine him touching her. He does not, however, specify if that 12 AM or PM! Dude...that sort of thing matters! Ope...it’s looking like 12 PM ‘cuz the next day Elizabeth locks herself in the slide projector/mop closet at work, cranks the Eurythmics, and has herself a good wank. Aaaaand now we’ve reached the infamous refrigerator scene! You know...the one they spoofed in the 1991 film Hot Shots starring intentional HIV transmitter Charlie Sheen? John blindfolds Elizabeth, makes her kneel in front of the fridge, and then makes her eat a bunch of random shit. It’s like the Blindfold Challenge from Top Chef but with 100% more sexual malice. At first he feeds her strawberries and strawberry jello and you’re like “ok...that’s sexy-ish”. Then he makes her eat a pepperoncini and a cold crab rangoon before pouring honey all over her. Have you ever had honey stuck on any part of your body? It’s about as sexy as an overflowed shithouse. Just watching this scene made my acid reflux act up. Gah! Man, I hope these assholes didn’t have roommates. “Umm...Liz....do you know what happened to my bottle of honey? And why is the floor all sticky?” The next night at dinner Elizabeth asks John is he’s like to accompany her to a party at her art gallery...and the dude starts banging his head on the table! I guess that’s a ‘no’, eh? He tells her he ain’t about all of that. He just wants to sexually humiliate her in private...not stand around some bougie gallery party eating bacon wrapped scallops and sipping prosecco. Cool. I wonder what Kim Basinger enjoyed less; acting in this movie or being married to Alec Baldwin. So John continues being a total piece of shit to her. There’s a super long montage set to Bryan Ferry’s “Slave to Love” where they shop a bunch more and he throws her fedora into the middle of Canal Street and they fuck in a clock tower somewhere. You know what song rules? “Slave to Love” by Bryan Ferry. One night Elizabeth tells John that she wants to know what it feels like to be a man. I’m thinking...alright...time for a pegging scene! Nope. Elizabeth dresses in a tuxedo with a top hat and gives herself a mustache with a sharpie. She even carries a cigar to give it a George Burns vibe. The chances of anyone mistaking her for a man? Less than zero chances. Oh...but some dudes DO mistake them for gay men and hurl homophobic insults. This leads to a chase scene where they all stumble onto the set of Madonna’s “Express Yourself” video where it is raining torrentially. They get into a rumble with the homophobes and Elizabeth fucking STABS one of the dudes! They immediately call 911 and bring the dude to the hospital. Just kidding! The wounded man crawls away to die and John and Elizabeth have ferocious intercourse against the wall. She tells John that she loves him mid-hump. He does not reply. So...I mean...where is this movie even headed?? This guy John...he likes weird sex stuff...and Elizabeth does too. Freaks gonna be freaks. How am I supposed to feel at this point...besides hungry for strawberry jello? Still...they carry on. They steal fancy jewelry because why not. Elizabeth does a striptease to Joe Cocker’s “You Can Keep Your Hat On” that is less sexy than that movie Striptease. I don’t know what all goes on in strip clubs these days...but the sound of Joe Cocker’s voice makes me want to put more clothes ON...not take them off. Finally, John commands Elizabeth to get on her hands and knees and crawl around eating $20 bills or some shit. She’s like “look, can’t we just Netflix and chill once in a while?” He says they cannot. He takes her to the Chelsea Hotel and tries to set up a 3fer with a hooker who purrs and growls (according to my notes her names is Gato but she is listed in the credits as “whore”. Real nice). Elizabeth beats the shit out of the hooker (so no 3fer then? bummer!). She shows up to the big gala at the art gallery solo and sits in the corner crying even though Ronnie Wood from the Rolling Stones is totally at the party! You can’t cry around Rockin’ Ronnie! Instead of, you know, going home...Elizabeth inexplicably sprints to a live sex show in Times Square where she kisses a complete stranger. This upsets John...who is somehow also at the very same live sex show. Of all the gin joints in the world!! The next morning Elizabeth tells John that’s she’s had enough with all of the Fifty Shades of Grey shenanigans. John does not get the reference as these books are still 25 years away from being published. He tells her that he can act like a normal human being...that he has a mom and dad and whatnot. We didn’t think you were raised by alpacas, bro. She says this shit has gone on long enough. 9 1/2 weeks to be exact! So it’s not just a clever title (actually it isn’t that either). Elizabeth leaves. John says he hopes she’ll be back by the time he counts to 50. Well guess what? That motherfucker is still counting because Kim Basinger keeps right on walking....all the way to the set of Fifty Shades Freed...where she had a cameo in 2018. The end.